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pegasus, or dreams of flying

Sunday, March 10, 2013

in schooltime years I very often had flying dreams.

some were 'cool', the real sensation of flying and enjoying the view, but being far from the scene of action and very alone up there.
but more often than not I also had the sensation of not being able to return to solid ground, even though I wanted to. I would keep getting higher and higher; it was like breathing in and not being able to breathe back out again. I was almost on the verge of panic, and I guess only waking up could alleviate this discomfort.

the metaphor here is plain to see: no solid ground under my feet, no solid basis, no foundation. also, being detached from the world. disconnect.

where does this come from?

same as always, the 'adam and eve' syndrome; blame it on your parents, who blame it on their parents, who blame it on ... adam and eve.

(where else do all our problems take root? and how do we stop the circle? whatever... this is beside the point right now.)

do I have grounding in my family relations? no.
did I have unconditional support from family members? no.
can I rely on family when in difficulties? no.
is there a warm, supportive feeling in my family? no.
can I trust even one member of my family? no.
was my birth welcomed? no.
was there a bond between me and my mother? no.
are our family dynamics healthy? no.
is it any wonder I feel detached from it all? no.
should they expect appreciation from me now? no.
should I feel guilty about this now? no.
should I wonder about all the negativity in my life? no.

is it a surprise that my best friend is a cat? no.

does realizing all this make it any easier for me? no.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • EABL81
    I'm so sorry that your family hasn't been there for you. I also had flying dreams when I was young, but in mine, the difficulty was breaking free enough to really be able to soar. I've overcome that issue now, and I know that you can find the strength within to do that as well. Sometimes your real family is the one you choose for yourself. I call my best friend my "sister of the heart". Those people with whom I have chosen to surround myself are my closest family now, and I'm the better for it.

    All the best in your journey!

    1319 days ago
  • KELPIE57
    So maybe ask yourself, what does make it easier? Just a thought
    1319 days ago
  • CANDOK1260
    emoticon sorry that your family don;t appreciate the wonderful great person you are their loss not your
    1320 days ago
    My answers to your questions would have been the same. One day I realized it was up to me to change it. No I was not loved but could I love myself-YES. And I have worked hard on doing that. Nurturing my inner self. I love to fly in my dreams but I always seem to have the controls. I used to love flying over my childhood friends & chiding them to catch me as I would fly higher. In later years I seem to fly over places I wish to see such as Scotland. What a view!
    1320 days ago
    Sometimes my computer is my best that healthy!
    1320 days ago
    I hate to read that you're carrying all that negativity around with you. We can get in a vicious cycle when things aren't going well, and circle down the drain in our very own pity party. How about a challenge? How about coming up with some positive things about yourself to balance out all that negative that you've lined up in a row. Shoot them all down!

    I know it's so much easier said than done, but you do have the strength in you to do it. I KNOW you do!

    1320 days ago
    Awwwww . . . . it is the very ones you EXPECT to be there for you who sometimes aren't and that hurts so much!

    1321 days ago
    I love words in the English language like - still, but, although, in spite of all this.
    Seeds germinate and push through whatever surrounds them. I believe you can push through to the beauty of sun light. Congratulations on all your minutes! Wow!
    1321 days ago
    Your not alone. It feels that way to me sometimes, because some of my "closest" friends are here, online. But, I am reaching out more. My sister has a distrust for people (we had a difficult upbringing, but we were loved growing upI'm so sorry you didn't have that). My sister's best friends are cats. she rescues them, cares for them and finds them good homes. She has made good people friends doing this as well. So, I agree with you that sometimes your closest "family" is not your family at all. Take good care of yourself. emoticon
    1321 days ago
  • TBRUNNER45204
    Sometimes the families that we are born with are not our true families. I am much closer to the few friends that I have than I was ever to my birth family. There is no blame, We make mistakes, our bodies, mind and soul pays for those mistakes. It is up to you, to me to anyone else here to take responsibility for what we do or have done, accept it, forgive yourself and move forward.
    Do a friend search on here, find someone that lives close to you "spark" a new friendship. Cats are great, but they can not fulfill all of your needs.
    I sincerely hope that you are ok

    1321 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    I can identify...but remember you are NOT alone. Big hugs.
    1321 days ago
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