Sunday, March 10, 2013
in schooltime years I very often had flying dreams.
some were 'cool', the real sensation of flying and enjoying the view, but being far from the scene of action and very alone up there.
but more often than not I also had the sensation of not being able to return to solid ground, even though I wanted to. I would keep getting higher and higher; it was like breathing in and not being able to breathe back out again. I was almost on the verge of panic, and I guess only waking up could alleviate this discomfort.
the metaphor here is plain to see: no solid ground under my feet, no solid basis, no foundation. also, being detached from the world. disconnect.
where does this come from?
same as always, the 'adam and eve' syndrome; blame it on your parents, who blame it on their parents, who blame it on ... adam and eve.
(where else do all our problems take root? and how do we stop the circle? whatever... this is beside the point right now.)
do I have grounding in my family relations? no.
did I have unconditional support from family members? no.
can I rely on family when in difficulties? no.
is there a warm, supportive feeling in my family? no.
can I trust even one member of my family? no.
was my birth welcomed? no.
was there a bond between me and my mother? no.
are our family dynamics healthy? no.
is it any wonder I feel detached from it all? no.
should they expect appreciation from me now? no.
should I feel guilty about this now? no.
should I wonder about all the negativity in my life? no.
is it a surprise that my best friend is a cat? no.
does realizing all this make it any easier for me? no.