I posted this to my spark team today and realized...it was a blog.

And I needed to say this out loud and I decided I needed to remember I said it out loud, so I am posting here so I can find it later.

I have been trigger food free for 5 weeks now. 5 weeks of logging what I eat every day without fail- 5 weeks of not eating my trigger foods....I am happy with my progress- slow but steady- and considering all my health issues I'll take what I can get. I reset my tracker when I began this new focus.

Because I weigh so much I expect to lose a lot. Other people do. But when I started SP I did have a good successful year and lost 100 pounds- only to stall out for an entire year. A year of doing well with exercise and food and not losing. A year of increasing exercise- changing what I eat- nothing. It was also during this time I was diagnosed as celiac. And I fell apart. I ended up- over 2 years- gaining back 70 of those pounds I'd lost.

During that year of not losing I went to Dr's...I have several health issues that make losing weight 'difficult'. They told me this. I was still frustrated. I wanted results! I deserved them!

You know what? I now would be happy to still be at -100. I would be happy to be there even if meant staying there for 3 years. Because I felt better about me- I felt healthier- and now...now I am back fighting my way there.

When I started this new focus 5 weeks ago I told myself I would be happy with 1 pound a week. 1 pound a week average is over 50 pounds and wouldn't most of us be happy with a 50 pound loss at the end of the year? Heck yes. So am I happy when I lose a pound? Of course not. But I tell myself it's okay- because I know it is good for me to accept this.

I had another epiphany about food. Because my calories are 'usually' low- 1300 to 1400 most days with some higher 1700 days thrown in- I am often, late at night, feeling very hungry. My stomach is actually growling and I can tell I am physically hungry. But- I know I have had a good amount of food for the day- and...I have figured out that being hungry- won't kill me. It's actually something that is okay for me to feel. I have my tea at night- satisfies my desire for sweet/strong flavor at night- and I'm good. I honestly don't think I've ever thought it was okay for me to be hungry before. Now I actually kind of like the feeling- I just let myself feel it- knowing it is okay. Weird, I know.

Progress. Just progress. I can almost 'see' a light far, far off. Where I will be willing to do more- give up more- work harder. I know I'm not there yet- but I think I finally got on the right track to see the light. At least for today. And today is what I have.