One day at the time
Saturday, March 09, 2013
I have an "eleventh-step" OA-friend. We call the other every week day morning and talk 5-15 minutes about the past and coming day - if we had fear or were angry, if we held on to our food plans. This we have been doing since... I don´t even remember because we started before I moved back here so it is at least since 2008, probably 2007... after one or two year I went to her town for an AA convent and got to met her family ( that I thought I already knes very well).
Last autumn they found tumors in my freinds head and she was operated two weeks ago. They couldn´t remove all the tumors which will be stressing I guess but she survived and is coming home again. And somehow I have gone all this time, since I learned about her cancer, without really thinking about how hard that must have been on her. I did have cancer myself ten years ago, I do remember the constant panic and fear that I had to learn to handle, I know how stressful it was but also how many good things and insights I got from it..
My friend lost 20-25 kilos when she joined OA, since then it has been a struggle. She has been 5-10 kilos away from her goal weight and a year ago she did one of these "kamikaze" things with only eating nutrition fluids for many days, she did lose a lot on that.But this autmun has been hard on her and she has gained back and even more... and now she is scared - two months of sick leave and not being able to exercise, staying at home, there is a high risk of nibbling away and she can´t afford that really. Ordinary she is very active, exercises three times more than me...
SO we spoke and I said maybe we could help each other with our plans this time. After all my struggles I know that I can´t do this alone – but I can´t do it being accountable either. I can´t deal with authorities like an OA sponsor, I need to be in a support group with people who does not judge or preach – and I am very quick to smell that they do even when there were no intentions to.
I don´t know if it is possible to have rules and boundaries without having tha accountability. After all these years I know that the two roads that seems to work the best for me is:
1) To weigh and measure evertyhing and have a very strong plan and no allowancese to get away from it.
2) To have main principles like "one serving three times a day and follow the "plate model" with 1/2 vegetables, 1/4 protein and 1/4 carbs.
For the moment I am too much into my disease to follow number two, I will have to do number one. I think both solutions require preplanning to work, I can´t improvise as I have been trying for a while now, sooner or later it always ends up with a bad choice.
And it has to be a commitment one day at the time, I really have to convince myself every morning that this is really tough, I can´t be sloppy about routines or planning if I want to succeed.
I am thinking about giving up the pilosopher course, the evil thing in my head wants to gloat and whisper "hey, you gave up - again, you are a failure..." but I am not giving up on my song writing course and I found that I don´t think it is interesting enough to do the work to pass examen... the coice to day is to go to the lecture or not, if not I will have to work more to accomplish the paper I need to do to get my university clearance for the next level but it is still doable.And as I have not read the two books I was supposed to read before today I think I will pass – and make the decision wether to give it all up or try to catch up later. I have a slight headache, but I am grateful because when I woke up this morning I thought it would be migraine and that would have destored all day. A slight headache is peace of cake – I think I have a lurking cold that keeps me from breathing right at sleep.
Yesterday was a very "clean" eating day, I had 1500 cal all prplanned and I was never hungry. I am commiting to this today - for today I will not eat outside my plan no matter what. And the plan is: Breakfast - two whole wheat flax seed sandwiches with smoked salmon and coffee with milk. Lunch: fried cabbage with spinach and carrots and parmesan cheese and sunflower seed sprinkled upon it (Daughter will get mac and cheese I think) Dinner: chicken breast with rice and vegetables. Snack - an apple. The cabbage might give me some stomach ache, I really have to see to that it is cooked well.