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One day at the time

Saturday, March 09, 2013

I have an "eleventh-step" OA-friend. We call the other every week day morning and talk 5-15 minutes about the past and coming day - if we had fear or were angry, if we held on to our food plans. This we have been doing since... I don´t even remember because we started before I moved back here so it is at least since 2008, probably 2007... after one or two year I went to her town for an AA convent and got to met her family ( that I thought I already knes very well).
Last autumn they found tumors in my freinds head and she was operated two weeks ago. They couldn´t remove all the tumors which will be stressing I guess but she survived and is coming home again. And somehow I have gone all this time, since I learned about her cancer, without really thinking about how hard that must have been on her. I did have cancer myself ten years ago, I do remember the constant panic and fear that I had to learn to handle, I know how stressful it was but also how many good things and insights I got from it..

My friend lost 20-25 kilos when she joined OA, since then it has been a struggle. She has been 5-10 kilos away from her goal weight and a year ago she did one of these "kamikaze" things with only eating nutrition fluids for many days, she did lose a lot on that.But this autmun has been hard on her and she has gained back and even more... and now she is scared - two months of sick leave and not being able to exercise, staying at home, there is a high risk of nibbling away and she can´t afford that really. Ordinary she is very active, exercises three times more than me...

SO we spoke and I said maybe we could help each other with our plans this time. After all my struggles I know that I can´t do this alone – but I can´t do it being accountable either. I can´t deal with authorities like an OA sponsor, I need to be in a support group with people who does not judge or preach – and I am very quick to smell that they do even when there were no intentions to.

I don´t know if it is possible to have rules and boundaries without having tha accountability. After all these years I know that the two roads that seems to work the best for me is:
1) To weigh and measure evertyhing and have a very strong plan and no allowancese to get away from it.
2) To have main principles like "one serving three times a day and follow the "plate model" with 1/2 vegetables, 1/4 protein and 1/4 carbs.

For the moment I am too much into my disease to follow number two, I will have to do number one. I think both solutions require preplanning to work, I can´t improvise as I have been trying for a while now, sooner or later it always ends up with a bad choice.

And it has to be a commitment one day at the time, I really have to convince myself every morning that this is really tough, I can´t be sloppy about routines or planning if I want to succeed.

I am thinking about giving up the pilosopher course, the evil thing in my head wants to gloat and whisper "hey, you gave up - again, you are a failure..." but I am not giving up on my song writing course and I found that I don´t think it is interesting enough to do the work to pass examen... the coice to day is to go to the lecture or not, if not I will have to work more to accomplish the paper I need to do to get my university clearance for the next level but it is still doable.And as I have not read the two books I was supposed to read before today I think I will pass – and make the decision wether to give it all up or try to catch up later. I have a slight headache, but I am grateful because when I woke up this morning I thought it would be migraine and that would have destored all day. A slight headache is peace of cake – I think I have a lurking cold that keeps me from breathing right at sleep.

Yesterday was a very "clean" eating day, I had 1500 cal all prplanned and I was never hungry. I am commiting to this today - for today I will not eat outside my plan no matter what. And the plan is: Breakfast - two whole wheat flax seed sandwiches with smoked salmon and coffee with milk. Lunch: fried cabbage with spinach and carrots and parmesan cheese and sunflower seed sprinkled upon it (Daughter will get mac and cheese I think) Dinner: chicken breast with rice and vegetables. Snack - an apple. The cabbage might give me some stomach ache, I really have to see to that it is cooked well.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I would imagine that the reason you didn't think about the amount of stress your friends cancer issues were is because it is too close to home.

    Sometimes I think that the people who have been through what we have been through should understand it more than anybody, but sometimes that is just too much for someone who has been too close to that issue to deal with it effectively when it happens in someone else. It's just easier to block it out or not deal with it.

    Even though you closed that part off, plainly you are a good and valued friend. Keep on keeping on.

    1683 days ago
    The picture in my mind of those flax seed bread and salmon sandwiches is making me hungry and I already finished my breakfast. I am so sorry about your friend. Life is so difficult some times.
    1683 days ago
    A lot of struggles here but in the end you've planned a healthy day. Enjoy your weekend.
    1683 days ago
    It sounds like a struggle for you every day. You have some strong demons to fight every day. Alot of people say they are addicted to food, but when I read of your struggles, I realize that I am quite fortunate. emoticon
    1683 days ago
    I think you should kick out that 'evel thing'. How is it giving up if you decide a course is not useful for you and you can use your time for better purposes, hm?

    1684 days ago
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