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So Over It


Saturday, March 09, 2013

I hit such a funk in Dec, as my last post indicates, worst than I had over the summer. It really stinks, because I was starting to get my groove back and I just got sidelined emotionally this time. Iv been trying to work myself back into it, but its been difficult. One thing that is a good thing that has distracted me is finally getting permanent at my job. I interview and was hired for a different position in my office. Only took me 2 1/2 years!
I have started going back to Zumba, and Iv done a couple C25K sessions, but not more than 1 a week yet. I dont have the enthusiasm I used to. I attribute this to age i guess, Im jaded. Iv had too many expereinces of knocking myself out and A) not getting the desired results or B) getting the desired results and realizing that its not what i really wanted/needed. I dont know what I want/need anymore.
Im pretty apathetic about my future in general, although my career is improving. But personally, things have either been stagnating or gradually deteriorating for the past 7 years. Im not happy in my marriage but dont anticpate being happier out of my marriage either so Im just waiting it out. If this sounds depressing it is. The bright spot is my daughter who is now 11 and growing up. But this too depresses me sometimes, as she is growing up! I wonder at the lessons I am teaching her in life? Stay in a comfortable situation even if you arent happy? As much as well intentioned people try to advise me, the type of life she has is 200% improvement on the childhood I had growing up with alcoholic parents, so I honestly dont know what 'better' or 'healthy' looks like. And I am terrified that if I leave my husband it will traumatize her at our home being split up, so to even contemplate that is horrific. If it were truly an abusive situation I would leave. But its not. And I probably make myself more miserable than I have to be. Alot of it is being unwilling to accept situations as they are.
So, thats my life my situation. Being where I am, if I encounter setbacks, they really set me back. I cant seem to rebound or rally the way I used to. Im paralized internally, and when I have a setback, I am paralized by it for a time til I get over it. I guess for now Im over it-til the next time.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
CLAIRE_LEFT_SP 3/9/2013 7:44PM

    I am so worried for you. I know the state of mind I was in when I talked like that and, if you are the same, you are in emotional crisis. I urge you to see your doc about getting some medicinal support, even if just for a few months to get your mojo back.

Here's a quote from Albert Einstein: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." If your emotional life has been deteriorating, then it's not going to stop deteriorating until you change something. You say you are in a 'comfortable situation' in your post, but I don't hear anything comfortable about it: depressed, questioning your parenting skills, unhappy in your relationship.

In some manner you ARE in an abusive situation - it doesn't have to be physical. There is emotional and verbal abuse, too. And we can self-abuse with our negative talk. It's very hard to see the good side of things when we are so depressed, but we can self-soothe by positive talk. Some folks do well writing out affirmations and posting all over the house - that would drive me nuts! I do write down sayings I like on post-in notes and stick a rotating number of them on my mirror. In the morning, I look at myself, smile, and say them out loud. Silly thing, really, but it has helped at least start my day smiling!

Now, practice!
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MANLEYSANDY 3/9/2013 10:40AM

    Taking care of you is the best thing you can do for you and your daughter! What you want and need is important...try to keep that in mind.

Hang in there and as it has been said, just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, it seems silly but it works!!

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