Saturday, March 09, 2013
I hit such a funk in Dec, as my last post indicates, worst than I had over the summer. It really stinks, because I was starting to get my groove back and I just got sidelined emotionally this time. Iv been trying to work myself back into it, but its been difficult. One thing that is a good thing that has distracted me is finally getting permanent at my job. I interview and was hired for a different position in my office. Only took me 2 1/2 years!
I have started going back to Zumba, and Iv done a couple C25K sessions, but not more than 1 a week yet. I dont have the enthusiasm I used to. I attribute this to age i guess, Im jaded. Iv had too many expereinces of knocking myself out and A) not getting the desired results or B) getting the desired results and realizing that its not what i really wanted/needed. I dont know what I want/need anymore.
Im pretty apathetic about my future in general, although my career is improving. But personally, things have either been stagnating or gradually deteriorating for the past 7 years. Im not happy in my marriage but dont anticpate being happier out of my marriage either so Im just waiting it out. If this sounds depressing it is. The bright spot is my daughter who is now 11 and growing up. But this too depresses me sometimes, as she is growing up! I wonder at the lessons I am teaching her in life? Stay in a comfortable situation even if you arent happy? As much as well intentioned people try to advise me, the type of life she has is 200% improvement on the childhood I had growing up with alcoholic parents, so I honestly dont know what 'better' or 'healthy' looks like. And I am terrified that if I leave my husband it will traumatize her at our home being split up, so to even contemplate that is horrific. If it were truly an abusive situation I would leave. But its not. And I probably make myself more miserable than I have to be. Alot of it is being unwilling to accept situations as they are.
So, thats my life my situation. Being where I am, if I encounter setbacks, they really set me back. I cant seem to rebound or rally the way I used to. Im paralized internally, and when I have a setback, I am paralized by it for a time til I get over it. I guess for now Im over it-til the next time.