Saturday, March 09, 2013
I have a family history of depression, though I didn't know it when I was first diagnosed, I thought low iron anemia might be the cause after a friend asked me questions and I answered yes to most. After my diagnosis, my mom and brother took an exam where you score to see if you might suffer depression. My mom only did it so my brother didn't have to do it alone and both of them were diagnosed. Three out of four of us diagnosed in less than a year. That was back when I was in my early 20's and I'm now, sadly, in my late 30's. I've been off medications for a while, but the symptoms came back and I mostly accepted that medications would help keep things under control. I've had to adjust the dosage levels throughout the years or move to different medications, but usually things have turned out okay in the end.
Unfortunately I've noticed, and it's been mentioned by my friend and roommate that some of those symptoms that show it's not as under control are back. It starts small but builds up, I don't want to go to work, I want to sleep, I don't want to go out and do anything, but stay home. I go out some to keep my friends from giving me too much grief, but even activities I love seem to be less enjoyable and those don't pull me out of the house.
This past round has probably been building or perhaps prompted by my brothers unexpected death. I fall into some really bad eating habits, I don't lose my appetite, but rather crave fast food and find ways to stop there most days, I have realized that I drink more to help self medicate and it gives me a temporary out to that constant feeling of sadness that just never seems to go away.
I've taken some steps to try and fight this since I do actually want to be happy and enjoy what remains of my life. Unexpected deaths do have that wonderful way of slapping you in the face and reminding you that life isn't forever and you just never know when no matter what your age. I saw my doctor and we are making yet another change to my medication, though I'm being sent to a psychologist since that is their primary focus, so medications may change again. I'm trying to remember to journal at night, though this entry will probably count for tonight's since it's emotions and thoughts I'm feeling today. I dumped out my open bottle of wine yesterday and will be giving up alcohol for a while to try and prevent it from becoming a crutch. I love wine and would prefer not to give it up forever, but a break from it would definitely be beneficial, along with lower quantities and frequencies. I've looked into a few yoga studios and will try to go once a week or more if I find it suits me. I'm trying to make sure I get to the pool to do lap swim once a week. This week didn't happen since I'm just happy I worked most of the week, but definitely not all of it.
Through in the wonderful 30 pounds I've regained in the past 4 or 5 months that have pushed me to my highest weight and it just adds one more kick when you're already down. I will go back down and taking steps in the right direction, though I'm going to need to remind myself that this will help me feel better eventually, even if it's not instantaneous. I'd love to find one healthy habit that would make me happy or even less sad, just for a while.
Anyone else have suggestions that might be helpful? Can't guarantee to try them all, but honestly, I'm kind of open to most anything at this point in time.