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CAGEDBIRDSONG
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I LOVE SPARKPEOPLE (But I Love My SparkFriends More!)

Friday, March 08, 2013

Last time I blogged, I sort of threw up all over the page. I felt guilty about it. I wanna be perfect you see. I don't want to be boring or pessimistic or a "Debbie Downer." So, I try to limit those blogs as much as possible and stay positive when I put something out "here."

When I logged back in and looked at all the responses to my last blog, it brought tears to my eyes, and I may have even sobbed a little bit. It's not about the number of responses. It blew me away that so many of you took the time to write such detailed, thoughtful, helpful, caring, loving, WONDERFUL responses to help me deal with my pain and anxiety. Writing those kinds of responses is time consuming and every one of you have lives to live.

I love you guys. There. I said it. I appreciate every word written.

You all don't really know who I am in real life. I try to keep things pretty anonymous here on SP because I don't want people I know in my community to read my blogs. What I put in my blogs is personal and makes me feel far too vulnerable. I'm not that open with folks. I hold my cards close to my ample bosom.

You see, I'm a perfectionist. (Not with everything. There are plenty of sloppily accomplished areas in my life.) The things that really matter to me have to be perfect. Fear of not being perfect sometimes handicaps me. My perfectionism blends with a fear of failure and fear of rejection--failure and rejection being the opposite of perfection, right? In person, I'm socially awkward--although I like to think I cover this pretty well with a quiet, studious facade.

I think I've always been socially awkward. I freaked when it was time to start preschool and can still vividly recall the feelings of separation anxiety triggered by it. However, life is the way it is and preschool was where I needed to be.

The summer between 4th and 5th grade, my family moved. All my friends were left behind and I started school in a very rural elementary school where everyone knew everyone else, and all the parents and grandparents and greatgrandparents had all gone to school together for generations. Except me. I was a city girl. I spoke proper grammar and was the fat kid. I was doomed from the start. Of course I didn't know this my first day of 5th grade in my new school. Mom and Dad told me I would make new friends--and eventually I did.

That first week, I sat behind a girl who was on the chubby side and she had the prettiest, long brown hair. I thought she was nice. So, I spent one night writing a two page letter about how I wanted to be her friend. At the end, I wrote, "Do you want to be my friend? Check yes or no." Of course, I drew those silly little boxes for her to check. I was so nervous giving her that note. I had poured my heart and soul into those pages. She read it, quickly checked "no" and tossed it back over her shoulder. Hmmm. I guess I laid it on a little thick, huh? I don't think she ever looked me in the eye again. Then again, I didn't look her in the eye again either.

Today I still proceed with caution in my relationships, frequently keeping people at arm's length. Wondering when I will run off the friend whom I believed to be so close. Wondering if I am saying the right thing or doing the wrong thing that will cause my friends to see me as the imperfect being that I am. I know that is silly, that we are all imperfect, and our eccentricities and imperfections make us interesting and fun.

Since my divorce I have lived my life in a tiny box. My family has pretty much been the extent of my social life. Mom, Dad, my kids, Brother and his wife and kids, Sister and her husband and kids.

Since becoming involved with SP, I have developed wonderful relationships with you guys. Some of us know each other better than others. I've had the opportunity to meet a SparkFriend in person (can't wait to catch up with her again) and when I get the chance will meet more of you. I've also been lucky to reconnect with an old friend (old, in that I knew her 15 years ago, not old as in age) and introduce her to SP. Lo and behold, she's been on her own journey as well and the timing has been serendipitous. Tonight, she and I are going to a movie and going to enjoy healthy refreshments while we talk and catch up. I'm so excited!

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What I've been trying to say for the last novel is that you guys help me feel accepted. You make me feel loved and valued. Most importantly, you make me feel safe. Thank you.


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As far as my plan goes, I'm doing great right now. My anxiety is soothed and I've realized things aren't so black and white. The end of the world has been narrowly averted! (please note sarcasm).

I've been killing it at the gym and am enjoying a rest day today. Because I don't know ultimately what kind of weekly calories burned number I'm going to average, I've been keeping my daily calorie differential at 1000 calories until I gather more data. I will probably have a smaller differential today because it's a rest day, and I want to eat more than 1200 calories. This morning I stepped on the scale and was at my lowest weight since joining SP. Whoo Hoo!

For the record, I love my new HRM. It is the bomb diggety. I like certainty. I like hard data. It makes me feel secure. I am sure I will plateau again and gripe about it again, but at least I know I can accurately measure my calories burned.

Yesterday I was called "skinny." While I know it's not exactly true, it feels good to hear the compliment.

Have a great weekend my beautiful, wonderful SparkFriends!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v AWOOD1973
    Wow! What a fantastic blog! I am soooo proud of your weight loss accomplishments, so far. I am looking forward to what you are going to do next! You will hit that goal of yours! I just met you, but already, I am intrigued by your ability to look past what has happened in the past and move forward with your life. What a great example you are setting for your kids! You stick with what you are doing. You are one strong person, even if it takes a bit for you to realize that sometimes.

    What a loss for the girl that decided your friendship was not worth it. I am honored that you added me to your list of friends. Just look at all of the replies to this wonderful blog of yours!

    Take care in knowing that you are not alone. And if we aren't struggling with our weight issues, we are struggling with something in our lives!

    Amy emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1199 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/20/2013 5:18:01 AM
  • v PICKYNICKI
    I loved reading this blog and I love you too!! I can relate to most everything you said and I was hanging on every word!!

    I also enjoy all of the time and every word that you invest in my SP life. I'm so happy that you are doing so well and that you are killing it at the gym. I think it's AMAZING that you are at your lowest since joining SP and I couldn't be prouder.

    I would also like you to know that my acceptance does not magically stop at the confines of SP. Although we haven't met I consider you a wonderful friend (how could I consider you any less with all of the support and encouragement we have given). For me friendship is unconditional and extends beyond the virtual web :)

    Keep rocking it girl! You are worth it and you are proving that!! emoticon emoticon
    1205 days ago
  • v EMMAEKAY
    I am also on the chubbier side with long brown hair. Can we pretend you wrote that note to me, and that I checked yes, and that everything was awesome ever after?

    Check yes or no. ;)

    Seriously, though, you are amazing. Through all of the struggle and stumbles, you pop back up every time. Your resiliency is an inspiration to us all.
    1205 days ago
  • v HAPPYERIN
    Congrats on your weight loss, awesome chickie!

    One of the glorious things about Spark blogging is that you get to air all of your thoughts, good and bad, and people are there to support you. It's cathartic just to have that release when you're feeling frustrated or getting down on yourself because you ate a cookie (ahem, I've had days like that!). And you are right, we have built some amazing relationships this way, and I think it is party because we all have a similar goal in mind: reach our personal goals, yes, but find that support we needed and give as much as we get!

    Don't ever hesitate to air your feelings here. We are here for you!
    1206 days ago
  • v BRADMILL2922
    Congrats on hitting your new lowest weight since you joined SP! That is a big accomplishment that you should be very proud of! Keep killing it at the gym!
    1208 days ago
  • v ATTACKFATCAT
    I'm glad that SP can be that source of positive support that you need. I can really relate to a lot of the social anxiety issues growing up. I've ALWAYS felt like the odd one out...my personality and perspective has always been slightly off of center, so to speak, so it's hard to find a niche in which I feel comfortable. I wasn't in the cool kids crowd, but neither did I quite fit in with the band geeks, the super-smart kids, or the goth/emo/insert your stereotype here. I had a lot of friends in all different circles, but I didn't have many super close friends. I've been a loner most of my life, I suppose. In some ways, I prefer that. I'd rather surround myself with my family and the few people who are close to me (in small doses) than be a social butterfly IRL. Most of the people I know IRL end up just irritating me or making me sad for society as a whole.

    Here at SP and other sites, it's so much easier now to find people who are more like me. I am really grateful for that because when I need a positive non-toxic support system, this is the place I come to if I can't talk to B about it. So I'm glad I can help someone else with that as well emoticon
    1208 days ago
  • v ABEAUTIFULMESS1
    Woohoo! You're doing so well! It can be really hard to get through that anxiety (I know first hand- I have generalized anxiety with social anxiety which has really affected my ability to be in social situations and not be the awkward turtle in the room) but over time you learn different skills and tools in order to be more successful- even if its in the form of blogging and making connections with others that may be a little different. I'm so glad that you've been able to recognize some of these things and work toward improving yourself one step at a time- I think that everyone is constantly growing and learning and there's really never a "end" or a "perfect"....we always have something to work out/strive for even after tackling our "list" of "imperfections"... new ones are always being added to the list and its human to continue to strive toward something better- that's what makes life fun, (or if its not fun, its at least interesting!) Remember to bless yourself for everything that you've accomplished and make sure that you are giving yourself the credit you deserve!
    1208 days ago
  • v SIMONEKP
    emoticon glad you're feeling better. Ditto on the HRM love!
    1208 days ago
  • v ASHPATCH11
    lowest weight since joing Sp hellz yeahhhhh!!

    New HRM!!

    You so got this girl!

    You lifted my motivation today :) thank you!

    emoticon
    1208 days ago
  • v ASHPATCH11
    I am glad you are enjoying ur hrm!
    Lowest number since you joined emoticon

    emoticon
    1208 days ago
  • v MSEMBERSTORM
    So very glad you have found a place to be comfortable. That is improtant. I was shocked when i found spark and felt ok. I am glad you are here. Keep working it. You are strong and wonderful. Don't forget that!
    1209 days ago
  • v LADYFROMTHEWOOD
    I hear you.
    Painful childhood memories. You had a very soft, tender heart, full of hope. You learned to draw back so you don't get hurt. What happened when we were children makes such a big impact unless we have equal/bigger healing episodes as we grow-up.
    Instead of healing, your ex was another hurtful life episode.
    Perfectionism is a coping method. A shrinking social circle as well.
    (I can totally relate.)
    But now, you are starting to heal? Because you are getting involved in a community in which we have "been there too," and recognize you for who you are. You shine! You are important! We see you! We have taken the time to read your heart and proclaimed "YOU'RE AMAZING!" You are no longer confined to a classroom or a community with limited social skills. You've put yourself out there on SP and we relate. We reach out to one another. You are a friend to me as well as I to you.

    Poor girl who checked "no." She can't look you in the eye b/c she KNOWS she did the wrong thing. I pity her.

    You, however, are on this shiny journey to find yourself and realize just how awesome you are. That you have hidden in the curtains for too long. You will gain more and more confidence as you continue to find your niche. Your true and trust-worthy friends. And the strength to demand that others treat you in a way you deserve - with support and joy. And to let the others fade away if they try to steal your smile.

    emoticon
    1210 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/9/2013 9:22:42 AM
  • v QUERIDAANA
    GLAD YOU ARE BACK ON TRACK AND KILLING IT IN THE GYM. THE EXERCISE IS PROBABLY A BIG PART OF YOUR EQUILIBRIUM AND HAPPINESS.
    1210 days ago
  • v 67YKCEB
    One word ..... INTROVERT. if you don't know what it means ....... it's you. (and me too.)

    Oh wait ...... second word ......... YES!!!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1211 days ago
  • v PITA_1988
    Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay on your accomplishment of lowest weight since joining SP! You certainly deserve to see all of your hard work and dedication pay off!

    Just keep on doing what you're doing, and we'll all be right here if you need us.

    emoticon
    1211 days ago
  • v HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE
    I'm so glad you feel comfortable here enough to open up to us. This is a long hard road, and it's even harder when you think you're doing it alone. And that's so NOT happening!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1211 days ago
  • v LISAMG1220
    To: My friend Tiffany....I am checking my box yes!!!!

    I heart you and I heart this blog so much that I literally have tears in my eyes. You have such a wonderful way with words, I was drawn in from the first sentence! I can feel the happiness. :) The only word that will fit this is AWESOME!!!!

    Way to go on your weight loss! I am so excited for you! I agree it is about time for another meeting of the minds. :)

    Hugs!! Lisa
    1211 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
 

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