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My World Comes Crashing Down

Friday, March 08, 2013

You know how you have vague expectations about how you will spend your life? I didn't have specific plans, just a vision of many years of retirement where I could enjoy my life with my hubby in my new body. But sometimes life gets in the way of the plans you have. Last night while I was out taking my granddaughters to dance class, then McDonalds and the Playland there, hubby got the dreaded call. When you get a call that late, you know it can't be good news...and it wasn't. The scans yesterday showed that the cancer has spread, the Physician Assistant who called told him, there's a little bit in his hip. Well if you know cancer, a little bit anywhere is not a good thing. So the prostate cancer is already in his bones.

Somehow I already knew that. I have messaged a few of you here about my fears that the cancer was all through his body, he has had so many problems and even some pain. I guess I should be grateful that it's not all over the place, but "just a little bit in his hip."

Of course all I can think about is my dad who lost his battle with the same cancer. He was much older when he was diagnosed (77, compared to my very young hubby's 60), and did okay for a time, but about five years in, utilizing several different avenues of treatment, the cancer still spread to his bones, and he broke his pelvis. After that he couldn't walk and spent the last 8 months of his life in hospice in a hospital bed at his home, while I tried to take care of him. My attitude was not good, I always had a smile on my face when I was with my Dad, but I think, no I KNOW, he knew how much I resented being a caregiver. Sometimes I think hubby's cancer now is my retribution for being such a horrible person through all of that. And sometimes I blame hubby for not going to the doctor sooner. He always puts it off. He had been under the care of a urologist for several years for an enlarged prostate, but that is NOT a sign of cancer and his PSA levels were always low. Then, all of a sudden, the damn cancer has spread to his bones? WHAT? How does that happen so fast? Prostate cancer is notoriously slow growing. But of course his is aggressive. Of course it is. Sometimes I think if the worst can happen, it WILL happen to me.

I wanted us to grow old together, to travel in retirement, to be able to enjoy our grandkids and take them places, and have TIME to enjoy some time together after a lifetime of hard work. Now all I worry about is him breaking his hip or pelvis like my dad, being unable to walk like my dad, and of course losing his job and our health insurance with it. I really regret retiring now. I remember asking him before I gave my notice at work that I was retiring, "Are you going to get sick?" Cause I worried about it. I worry about losing him. I worry about being alone. I worry about losing all we have worked our lifetimes to get, about losing our house.

My boys are a bit blaise about it all. I told them last night, and today they have both asked if we can watch their kids overnight Saturday, while they go on a bus trip to a local casino to celebrate my daughter-in-law's birthday. I don't think they know what we are going through right now. My whole life has just been turned upside down.

I wanted this cancer to be curable. But now that it's spread to the bones, although it can be slowed, it can't be stopped. I may have him for another 10 years or maybe even longer. But it won't be without constant fear or without a constant medical battle to keep him healthy. And it will be terribly expensive and difficult. And probably my worst fear is that I will lose him sooner than that.

He was comforting me last night instead of vice versa. He is strong. But before when he beat melanoma, at one point he did finally collapse. He gave in to the fear and had a terrible few weeks. I guess our relationship is one where when one of us is weak, the other is strong. I was strong for him back then, and I will come to terms with this and accept it and be strong for him again. I just need a minute to get used to this horrible change in my plans....but right now all I can do is cry.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry. Miracles happen in medicine all the time, so don't give up hope. Stay strong and enjoy whatever time you have together. I'll be praying that it is a long time.

    My brother-in-law is in a similar situation right now, but is staying hopeful. He's currently getting radiation treatment.
    1806 days ago
    im so sorry to hear that. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. you are a very strong woman.
    1808 days ago
    Pam, I'm catching up on blogs, and I'm SO sorry I missed seeing this sooner. That is terrible news to have to hear, and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your hubby!
    1809 days ago
  • COFFEE_123456
    Hi - just stumbled on your blog and found your sad news. I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope that you have lots of support from your in-person and online friends.
    1811 days ago
    emoticon and emoticon
    1814 days ago
    Pam, I have only joined SP today and gravitated to your success story because I am 63 and was looking for someone who knew my challenges. So I first read of your amazing success and then of your recent heartbreak. I am so very sorry. Your weight loss will be a big factor in your ability to be his partner in this journey--as bitter as this news must be, I imagine you are so grateful that you are well and mobile now. Take care of yourself.
    1814 days ago
    So sorry for your news. It is good that you and your hubby take turns being the strong one - imagine if it weren't like that. I am sure your son's are very concerned but are dealing with this news the best they know how - having your grandkids around might be good distraction for a few hours. You are strong and you and your hubby will get thru this some how.
    1814 days ago
    Praying for you and your family.
    1814 days ago
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    I'm so very sorry for all that you are going through right now......
    1814 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about this, but don't give up, as others have said,there could be a better outcome to this than what you expect. And we are all here for you.
    1814 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    It must have felt a bit like salt in the wound when your sons asked you to babysit, as though your world wasn't crashing in around you. I am sorry. You may have to be terribly blunt with them but I know how much you adore those beautiful grandchildren so they may provide some balm for your weary heart. I vote with everyone else, that this is NOT punishment for your less-than-perfect attitude about being a caregiver. Being a caregiver is exhausting, often thankless, work. Most caregivers, if they are being brutally honest, will tell you about their resentment of the role at times. The important thing is, you DID the caregiving, Pam. You didn't run away from your dad in his time of need, you put a smile on your face and you did right by him. I do not blame you for equating your dad's illness with your husband's. It will be hard to separate the two illnesses, and what could be two very different outcomes. As awful as this is, I cannot help but think how much more difficult it would all be, if you were still morbidly obese. Thank God you committed to properly caring for yourself and your body, before this crisis hit you like a ton of bricks. You are so much better equipped for whatever lies ahead. Don't borrow trouble, dearest Pam. Life only comes at us a minute at a time and, while it is completely natural (and even somewhat helpful) to imagine what may lie ahead and how you will deal with it, please do give yourself some breaks by being "right here, right now". I hope you do give yourself the freedom to cry your heart out from time to time. I hope you indulge yourself by losing yourself in funny t.v. shows, fluff-filled magazines, bubble baths....I wish I lived nearby so we could walk and talk. Do you have someone trusted you can do that with - you pour your heart out while they just listen? I didn't mean to go on so long but I am so touched by what you are going through, Pam. I am thinking of you and your family. God bless you all.
    1814 days ago
  • AMBER281
    I am so sorry to hear this news. The dreaded "C" word is never easy to hear.
    Just know it's not your fault and that you have a lot of supporters here.
    I wish you and your hubby all the best!
    1814 days ago
    I am so sorry!!!!!!!!
    1814 days ago
    You're husbands cancer is not punishment for your resentment at taking care of your father. Bad things happen to good people. You know better than many people life doesn't always follow your plan.

    Enjoy every moment with your husband. As I heard Valerie Harper say in an interview today, "don't go to the funeral before the funeral" . In other words, while you're both living, LIVE and focus and enjoy every moment you have.

    Karen emoticon
    1814 days ago
    You and your family are in my prayers.
    1814 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    GINILEE4 has given you some lovely, kind words of advice, and I don't think I can do better, except to add: Don't borrow trouble. Make life manageable by taking things one day at a time. Big, big hugs to you and your loved one.
    1815 days ago
  • -RUBIES-
    I can't say I understand, because I don't. I've never been in a situation like yours. It seems as though your sons are choosing not to deal with the news. Perhaps you can get in a good support group. Most important, pray.
    1815 days ago
    I will be praying for both of you, for strength and that God will send his angels to sustain you.
    1815 days ago
    I am so very sorry to hear about your husband. I will pray for you and your family. emoticon
    1815 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear about this, Pam. I hope that your husband is able to get the best possible treatment and that you're able to have many, many more happy and healthy years together.
    1815 days ago
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    1815 days ago
  • MSHEL7
    So sorry about your husband.
    1815 days ago
    Prayers for you and your family Pam. We can never find the right words to say to anyone when this happens, just know your Spark family are here for you.

    1815 days ago

    Pam. There are no words that I can give you to make it better. Know you have as much support as there is to be given. Also, as others have said, don't preplan what you don't know. Different people respond totally differently to other people. As for retribution, put it aside . There is no blame here. We take what we get in life and we fight to survive. You will both come through this as it is planned for you. Remember your faith and a few prayers, while maybe not your style, won't do any harm. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Take it 1 day, 1 thing at a time. Focus on what you need to do next and when and move toward that step. Babysteps , you know the routine, you do it every day. Same applies here. Sending you love and big {HUGS}

    1815 days ago
    My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
    1815 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    I'm sorry that the two of you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. emoticon
    1815 days ago
  • WINNIE1978
    Keeping you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers! emoticon
    1815 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope all the love being sent your way helps. We're here for you, even if we can't be there physically for you.
    Please take care of yourself.
    1815 days ago
  • PUNZIE73
    I'm so sorry to hear about this. I will keep you in my prayers.
    1815 days ago
    I am so sorry you are going through this. emoticon emoticon
    1815 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/8/2013 1:28:24 PM
    You have my prayers for you and your family that all goes well with this affliction. Please be encouraged and take it one day at a time that's all we get. emoticon
    1815 days ago
    I'm so sorry.


    I know you will take a deep breath and do what has to be done. But for now, let yourself grieve for lost dreams.

    1815 days ago
    So sorry for the news....will be praying for you and your hubby...hugs
    1815 days ago
    Pam, I am so sorry for the devastating news. But you have to have faith. There are so many different forms of cancer. People respond different.
    My nieces husband has been living with bone cancer for over 10 years. He's about 60 too. It does make him tired, but he's under treatment and he is living a normal life.
    IT might sound Pollyanna, but attitude and being positive is one thing many cancer survivors have said was important in there battle with the disease.
    We never know what lies ahead for any of us, we just have to make the bet of what we have here and now.
    My heart goes out to you and your husband. May God be with you and help you in all ways possible.
    Hugs Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1815 days ago
  • KROLES55
    My heart and prayers truly go out to you and your husband..Please know that I will be praying for you and your husband..

    1815 days ago
    Oh, Pam, I got on your page today to see how you were doing with your weight maintenance, and have come across your PAINFUL blog/news! I'm SO VERY sorry! I will add your husband to my prayers. When you get a minute, can you PM me his name. {{{love, hugs, and prayers}}} Susan
    1815 days ago
    My heart goes out to you and your husband. Sometimes life just does not seem fair :( Many prayers will be sent your way.
    1815 days ago
    emoticon Sending Hugs and Prayers to both of you. There may be No Cure (yet!) but I am sure that there have been advances in the Treatment of Prostrate Cancer since your Dad's diagnosis. His Prognosis & Duane's is likely to be different thanks to those changes.
    emoticon From what little I do know of Treatment -- for Cancer or any other Disease -- Attitude plays a Huge Part in the outcome. You will get through this because BOTH of You are Strong, Positive People. It will NOT be easy, but what is in this Life? You have the Strength and Prayers of ALL Your Spark Friends supporting you when you need us.
    emoticon For what it is worth, I DO NOT Believe that this is in Any Way, Shape, or Form Retribution for how you did or didn't take care of your Dad. We will Not Know on this side of Heaven the "Why's" of MANY things we go through here. But I just can NOT Believe that Retribution has ANYTHING to do with it. If it did, where is the "Retribution" for all the People who Truly Do Treat their Families HORRIBLY, and yet sail Happily through Life getting Blessings on top of Blessings?
    1815 days ago
    I am so sorry, Pam.....((((((hugs)))))))))
    1815 days ago
  • TERRYT55
    Oh, Pam.........I am so sorry. I can't imagine what you are both going though. I'm upset just reading about it. I will keep you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers.

    Libby said it day at a time and do what you've been putting off NOW.

    1815 days ago
    emoticon emoticon I am so very sorry .. my heart aches for you. I pray that you have that miracle than can happen - I've seen it before. Blessings & Light to you. Jackie O
    1815 days ago
  • BOVEY63
    You and your hubby are in my prayers.
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    1815 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    I'm so sorry to hear this news. Not good at all. I can understand your worries as my husband seems to be ready to let himself die rather than take care of himself-not the same since he has a choice in the matter, I know. But I do worry about being alone and having to deal with everything myself. I'm sure right now the kids are just going to try to live life pretending nothing's wrong because they don't see his pain like you do. My prayers are with you all emoticon
    1815 days ago
    My heart breaks for you....... But - as trite as it seems - life happens, and we must go on. Take heart that while the news MAY not be good - you'll have your hubby for a good long time. You haven't seen the doctor yet??? Has he presented any long term prognosis? Take the pressure off yourself now - and try to comfort your husband - he must be frightened too.

    I know all about instant, negative, life-changes. I got the news about my cancer at night; alone - after surgery to remove a BENIGN tumor in my neck. Not meant to be --- it was malignant - lymphoma - chemo followed+all the side effects. Then in subsequent years --- just when I thought I was well again --- POW!!! something else life threatening hit me. Year after year after year. And I'm alone to deal with it all. Whatever plans I had for my retirement - are in the dustbin.

    Yes --- life throws curve balls at you --- all you can do is either duck, or try to hit it out of the park!!! (enough of my metaphors.....)

    You've accomplished so much that is positive in your life --- keep the faith --- be sure to become completely informed about your husband's condition --- take it a day at a time --- and try to do NOW some of the wonderful things you were putting off until later.
    Life happens!

    1815 days ago
    There are no words to express my sorrow. I understand.

    emoticon emoticon
    1815 days ago
    1815 days ago
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