Friday, March 08, 2013
You know how you have vague expectations about how you will spend your life. I didn't have specific plans, just a vision of many years of retirement where I could enjoy my life with my hubby in my new body. But sometimes life gets in the way of the plans you have. Last night while I was out taking my granddaughters to dance class, then McDonalds and the Playland there, hubby got the dreaded call. When you get a call that late, you know it can't be good news...and it wasn't. The cancer has spread, the Physician Assistant who called told him, there's a little bit in his hip. Well if you know cancer, a little bit anywhere is not a good thing. So the prostate cancer is already in his bones.
Somehow I already knew that. I have messaged a few of you here about my fears that the cancer was all through his body, he has had so many problems and even some pain. I guess I should be grateful that it's not all over the place, but "just a little bit in his hip."
Of course all I can think about is my dad who lost his battle with the same cancer. He was much older when he was diagnosed (77, compared to my very young hubby's 60), and did okay for a time, but about five years in, utilizing several different avenues of treatment, the cancer still spread to his bones, and he broke his pelvis. After that he couldn't walk and spent the last 8 months of his life in hospice in a hospital bed at his home, while I tried to take care of him. My attitude was not good, I always had a smile on my face when I was with my Dad, but I think, no I KNOW, he knew how much I resented being a caregiver. Sometimes I think hubby's cancer now is my retribution for being such a horrible person through all of that. And sometimes I blame hubby for not going to the doctor sooner. He always puts it off. He had been under the care of a urologist for several years for an enlarged prostate, but that is NOT a sign of cancer and his PSA levels were always low. Then, all of a sudden, the damn cancer has spread to his bones? WHAT? How does that happen so fast? Prostate cancer is notoriously slow growing. But of course his is aggressive. Of course it is. Sometimes I think if the worst can happen, it WILL happen to me.
I wanted us to grow old together, to travel in retirement, to be able to enjoy our grandkids and take them places, and have TIME to enjoy some time together after a lifetime of hard work. Now all I worry about is him breaking his hip or pelvis like my dad, being unable to walk like my dad, and of course losing his job and our health insurance with it. I really regret retiring now. I remember asking him before I gave my notice at work that I was retiring, "Are you going to get sick?" Cause I worried about it. I worry about losing him. I worry about being alone. I worry about losing all we have worked our lifetimes to get, about losing our house.
My boys are a bit blaise about it all. I told them last night, and today they have both asked if we can watch their kids overnight Saturday, while they go on a bus trip to a local casino to celebrate my daughter-in-law's birthday. I don't think they know what we are going through right now. My whole life has just been turned upside down.
I wanted this cancer to be curable. But now that it's spread to the bones, although it can be slowed, it can't be stopped. I may have him for another 10 years or maybe even longer. But it won't be without constant fear or without a constant medical battle to keep him healthy. And it will be terribly expensive and difficult. And probably my worst fear is that I will lose him sooner than that.
He was comforting me last night instead of vice versa. He is strong. But before when he beat melanoma, at one point he did finally collapse. He gave in to the fear and had a terrible few weeks. I guess our relationship is one where when one of us is weak, the other is strong. I was strong for him back then, and I will come to terms with this and accept it and be strong for him again. I just need a minute to get used to this horrible change in my plans....but right now all I can do is cry.