2 Months in Seclusion - 97lbs Down and Feeling Like a Failure
Thursday, March 07, 2013
I am basically a very up person. In fact sometimes to serious. My success on this journey in losing weight and getting in shape has been unprecedented in my life. Unfortunately, other parts of my life have not been so successful and I have been sabotaging those parts for the last 6 months. Around Christmas I started on a funk which I have been trying to end.
I have read a number of blogs and articles have said that losing weight and getting fit will not resolve all of your problems. I am living proof of that. My weight loss and fitness progress has been very satisfying. I had a nice reveal with my parents at Christmas time at 207lbs (down 78). My son and I cooked Christmas dinner and that turned out well. I ate way to much but I worked out some each day I was there. I hit my phase 2 spark goal of 195lbs at the end of January. I decided to let my body decide where I would go next and I have been in an aggressive maintenance mode since then and I am now down to 188.6. This is huge for me because I am now at a normal BMI. This could be the first time ever this always chubby kid can be called thin. I have muscle definition I have never seen in my body. I am now wearing 34" waist jeans, down from 46".
The icing on my fitness success came this week when I was picked by my ice hockey referee association to officiate a girls under 14 Illinois state championship game this Saturday. For this former fat official (who desperately needs new ref pants) this is a first and beyond what I expected. To quote the assigners e-mail, "We had many qualified candidates, but you were selected due to your dedication and commitment to our game. " Last year I had trouble getting anything but lower level your games and adult hockey.
Despite all of this there is my funk. The biggest factor in my funk is my lack of a job for the last 10 months since IBM outsourced my job. I have been living off savings, significant referee money and a small side job. But, the money is running out and I have some major repair expenses that I do not have the money to cover. My problem is that I am not doing a very good job looking for a good job. I think that I am afraid that my age will keep me from getting a good job so I do not try enough. I am having trouble getting past that.
The second biggest factor is that I have no personal life. While I am legally married, I have not had a relationship with my wife for about 8 years. Initially it was for my son's sake that I allowed us to share the same roof. Now, her dependence on me financially makes it impossible for me to just walk away. She has not had a decent full time job in more than 16 years. At least now she spends half of her time at her mom's house taking care of her and is only here part of the time when she works at a small part time job.
I think when I was fat I wrote off a personal life as not very likely. Who would want a 57 year old obese guy. Now that I am fit and active I need more. My son lives with me and we share a lot of interests, but that is not enough. I keep on telling myself to do something,, but my employment and marital status keep my on the sidelines.
To make things even worse, since Christmas I stopped blogging and communicating with many of my Spark friends. I did enjoy writing upbeat and hopefully witty blogs. Detailing my successes and discoveries was fun. It took me a while to get past the fear of blogging, but I was enjoying it. Once my funk started I could not talk lightly or proudly of my adventures because I just felt the failure. I have started several blogs to get back on track, but never followed through. Partly now because I felt that I had abandoned my friends.
I have decided to use my recent successes to try to leverage myself out of this state. I need to get back on the horse and work harder to get a job. I want to stay somewhat active on this site. I want to get to 185 which would be 100lbs loss. But, I need to make it more of a background activity and not my focus. Writing this down has been cathartic. I apologize for its length. I usually try for short blogs, but I needed to get this out. I plan on returning to the community part of SP for its help and to help encourage others.