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I'm so tired and I hate working.

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Just cuz it's been awhile and one of my students is absent today so I've got the time.

I'm still struggling. Really struggling. I keep thinking that I've only been struggling recently and that I've done pretty well for most of the school year. I'm not totally sure how accurate that is. I've been having issues since thanksgiving and mostly off track since then with short stints of being on track along the way. But I think it's only started to become really overwhelming recently. I mean juggling everything. I've stopped fighting against the fatigue so much. Which means eating worse and laying on the couch as opposed to working out. Which only makes the fatigue worse. I'm just so exhausted. I'm completely in a fog that I can't seem to snap out of at all. Like I've just hit the auto pilot switch and checked out. I'm sleeping till the last possible moment in the morning, spending the least possible time preparing for the day, putting in the least amount of effort into work and then going home and doing the least amount necessary until I can park it on the couch and stay there until its an acceptable time for me to transition to the bed. And then oddly enough, right when I should be going to sleep, like 930 so that I can feel rested the next day, my body starts fighting it. So I don't fall asleep till 11 or 12, then I wake up a bunch of times during the night until like 6 am when my body is finally ready to settle into sleep and then the alarm starts going off at 630. What the heck is up with that?! Then it all starts over again. I'm close to tears every morning as I'm getting ready for work and have no patience with anyone or anything. And I resent having to go to work more than I could possibly convey. I resent being on a schedule. I resent having to devote my whole day to things that are just not my priority in life. And If I could just have one day to sleep in a little bit, maybe I could feel semi normal again. But that's pretty impossible. Even on the weekends, I still have kids. And I know I'm just making it so much worse by eating bad. The only way I ever broke this cycle in the past has been to just break it. Force myself to eat right and exercise till I feel better. But right now, that feels impossible. I feel like work is sucking the life out of me. All I can think about it not doing it anymore and then I beat myself up about it because the vast majority of people go to work everyday and have a lot worse jobs than I do and aren't falling to pieces like I am. I've got my mind made up that I'm not going to be happy or get anywhere till I'm able to stop working and I don't know how mentally healthy that is, but that's the way it is.

At least I have spring break next week. I know that makes me sound even worse. I have a pretty cushy job in some ways. But it still prevents me from having time for the things that I value. And it still leaves me totally drained. I definitely can't do this for the next 30 years till I can retire, that's for sure. I don't think I could even if I wanted to. I have so much pain in my hands all the time. Interpreting is becoming painful which is kind of unnerving.

I just need to make it till the weekend and then I can relax a little and hopefully get my health back on track so I'm in a better space, mentally and physically to get through the rest of the school year.

I'm just having this inner struggle where I'm beating myself up for letting my health slide and not getting closer to my weight loss goals. All my time related goals are out the window. I'm not getting anywhere. And then on the other side, I'm trying to give myself permission to flake out cuz just getting through the day seems to be so difficult for me at the moment. So I keep going back and forth with that and it's just making me feel and act bi-polar.

My goal is to juice during spring break. I need to do something kind to my body because I've been abusing it a lot lately. Hopefully that will help me get out of this funk. I just need to learn how to ignore the cravings. Where oh where is the motivation I had this time last year?
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SPARKLISE 3/20/2013 8:33AM

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HAPPYERIN 3/8/2013 5:16PM

    So sorry you are having a difficult time right now. Any chance that your motivation/lack of energy has to do with the gloomy weather? Usually by the time March rolls around, things are starting to get sunny, warmer, and less winter-blah, but this year it seems like we're still fluctuating between ooh-it's-getting-warmer, whoops-no-it's-not. Hopefully you can find some time next week to recharge and do some YOU things that will help you forget the stress! Best wishes!!

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RYDERB 3/7/2013 9:40AM

    emoticon I'm so sorry. Stress does terrible things to our bodies and our minds. Without proper sleep, it's a vicious cycle, so naturally you're feeling overwhelmed. Taking niacin is suppose to be a mood booster and isn't very expensive especially if you buy it as Sam's or Costco. I second the melatonin suggestion. I take it and it helps. Butů whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed and dissatisfied with my life, I make myself keep a gratitude journal. It helps me focus on all the things that are really important to me, and appreciate just how luckily I am. And taking the focus off all the negatives that are out of my control, leaves me feeling more energized. I think making a new vision board this week, could be a really good way for you to get in touch with what you want. Sometimes seeing the goal gives us more energy to keep fighting for it. Nikki you might be feeling weak and helpless, but you're not. You're strong, smart, and capable. You'll get through this.
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ILUVTHE80S 3/6/2013 7:32PM

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I was feeling just like you a couple weeks ago. I made myself stop eating and start exercising. I also hate my job. Mostly because I know I will be laid off in a year or I have to work for the replacement (horrible) company and my husband is currently working a temporary job that ends this month. I actually like the work, but not the environment and some of the people I have to work with. Everyday I was coming home laying on the couch and stuffing my face while zoning out in front of the TV. I didn't feel like talking unless it was to complain about something.

What made me start changing is that it was really beautiful outside one day and I looked outside and saw people playing and walking. My daughter really wanted to go outside, but I just couldn't get moving and sadly we sat in the house and did nothing, but watch TV. Later that night, my daughter said to me "Mommy, maybe you will feel better tomorrow and you will play with me.". That made me feel horrible! There is nothing physically wrong with me to keep me from playing with her...it was all mental. I started moving the next morning and cutting my calories. I didn't want to sit in the house one more day and watch life pass me by and not another summer hiding indoors when I should be enjoying life with my family.

You can do it! Find your motivation to get you out of this slump. Reading other people's blogs on SP has helped me keep up my motivation.
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JCARDINAL 3/6/2013 7:14PM

    I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you find a way to get out of this rut and turn things around for the better! emoticon

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CLRWILLIAMS25 3/6/2013 6:21PM

    So sorry you are dealing with this :( I can relate to most of what you're going through right now, except that I don't have kids yet, so I do get a break when I get home. It's so hard to get up for work every day when you don't want to do what you're doing. And it's hard to feel motivated to eat better and exercise more when you feel so down all the time. You sounds so overwhelmed with everything going on in your life and I wish I had the power to give you a mini vacation for a few days!
I know it sounds cliche, but getting some exercise really does help you feel better. I've been doing some short yoga videos I found on youtube and pinterest to help calm me down before I go to bed. It may not be hardcore exercise, but it's enough to get some of the feel-good benefits.

As for being tired all day and then magically being awake before bedtime, have you tried taking melatonin? I started taking it on weeknights about a month ago and it has been life-changing. I take it about 1/2 hour before bed and it helps to turn turn your brain off a bit so you can relax and get sleepy. I think part of my issue (and it sounds like yours too) is going to sleep the night before I have to go to work. I'm usually fine on Friday and Saturday night (no work= no anxiety I guess...).

emoticon Hang in there. You can get past this!

Comment edited on: 3/6/2013 6:22:22 PM

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