Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Just cuz it's been awhile and one of my students is absent today so I've got the time.
I'm still struggling. Really struggling. I keep thinking that I've only been struggling recently and that I've done pretty well for most of the school year. I'm not totally sure how accurate that is. I've been having issues since thanksgiving and mostly off track since then with short stints of being on track along the way. But I think it's only started to become really overwhelming recently. I mean juggling everything. I've stopped fighting against the fatigue so much. Which means eating worse and laying on the couch as opposed to working out. Which only makes the fatigue worse. I'm just so exhausted. I'm completely in a fog that I can't seem to snap out of at all. Like I've just hit the auto pilot switch and checked out. I'm sleeping till the last possible moment in the morning, spending the least possible time preparing for the day, putting in the least amount of effort into work and then going home and doing the least amount necessary until I can park it on the couch and stay there until its an acceptable time for me to transition to the bed. And then oddly enough, right when I should be going to sleep, like 930 so that I can feel rested the next day, my body starts fighting it. So I don't fall asleep till 11 or 12, then I wake up a bunch of times during the night until like 6 am when my body is finally ready to settle into sleep and then the alarm starts going off at 630. What the heck is up with that?! Then it all starts over again. I'm close to tears every morning as I'm getting ready for work and have no patience with anyone or anything. And I resent having to go to work more than I could possibly convey. I resent being on a schedule. I resent having to devote my whole day to things that are just not my priority in life. And If I could just have one day to sleep in a little bit, maybe I could feel semi normal again. But that's pretty impossible. Even on the weekends, I still have kids. And I know I'm just making it so much worse by eating bad. The only way I ever broke this cycle in the past has been to just break it. Force myself to eat right and exercise till I feel better. But right now, that feels impossible. I feel like work is sucking the life out of me. All I can think about it not doing it anymore and then I beat myself up about it because the vast majority of people go to work everyday and have a lot worse jobs than I do and aren't falling to pieces like I am. I've got my mind made up that I'm not going to be happy or get anywhere till I'm able to stop working and I don't know how mentally healthy that is, but that's the way it is.
At least I have spring break next week. I know that makes me sound even worse. I have a pretty cushy job in some ways. But it still prevents me from having time for the things that I value. And it still leaves me totally drained. I definitely can't do this for the next 30 years till I can retire, that's for sure. I don't think I could even if I wanted to. I have so much pain in my hands all the time. Interpreting is becoming painful which is kind of unnerving.
I just need to make it till the weekend and then I can relax a little and hopefully get my health back on track so I'm in a better space, mentally and physically to get through the rest of the school year.
I'm just having this inner struggle where I'm beating myself up for letting my health slide and not getting closer to my weight loss goals. All my time related goals are out the window. I'm not getting anywhere. And then on the other side, I'm trying to give myself permission to flake out cuz just getting through the day seems to be so difficult for me at the moment. So I keep going back and forth with that and it's just making me feel and act bi-polar.
My goal is to juice during spring break. I need to do something kind to my body because I've been abusing it a lot lately. Hopefully that will help me get out of this funk. I just need to learn how to ignore the cravings. Where oh where is the motivation I had this time last year?