Wednesday, March 06, 2013
I will preface this by saying that this blog has very little, if not anything at all, to do with nutrition/weight etc...
Monday started out as a great day. I felt good, I had a good day with my students, minus the sore throat, I had a good day. I called "The Boy" like I normally would and he didn't answer which wasn't totally abnormal. A few minutes later I got a text that said "Call me when you get home ok" So I text back a quick "ok" and drove home. I called back when I got into the parking lot and the conversation did not go anywhere near how it usually goes. Usually its a "how was your day?" and then a response and then the same for the other person and then we decide what to have for dinner, or if we're going to hang out that night or whatever....not this time. This time it was a "I don't want to spend as much time with you as we've been....it's a lot" and my response was "well, we can hang out less during the week or whatever, that's fine, I can respect that you want some more space" (granted he's usually just as much a part of making plans as I am to hang out/dinner plans etc). Then it turned to "that's not what I want....I feel like we need to just stop spending time together." He then proceeded to go on for almost 40 minutes about how he's older than me (he's 40, I'm 28) and he's been through things that I haven't and he wants more for me and he thinks that I want more and I need to look somewhere else... He kept repeating this (in a variety of ways) and would add in "I'm not trying to break your heart" or "I care about you a lot and that's why I'm doing this".... "You're an amazing, beautiful woman, but I just know that I can't give you what you want and what you deserve" and he "didn't want things to get to the point where we resented each other and things just blew up and ruined everything including our friendship" Of course I'm sitting in my car trying to not just completely lose it.... trying to breath, not let him know that I was crying/trying to control my sobbing and he asks me how I'm feeling about all of it.... SERIOUSLY!?! How do you think I'm feeling!???? So of course I try to get through what I want to say- not that it would make any kind of difference- and basically state the fact that he's also my best friend and I never felt or feel obligated to spend time with him- the reason I do it is because I like spending time with him. Not that it makes any kind of a difference. He was very persistent on wanting to stay friends but I'm going to need some time before I can handle that. Anyways.... I'm a mess.... a total and complete mess.... I don't know what to do with myself and I just feel so lonely.
My best friend Meaghan came over Monday night (I called her almost as soon as I got in the door) and we just hung out and then went and got some food and alcohol.... I didn't eat a lot (my stomach is still in knots so its been hard to eat much of anything) but then we went back to my place and just hung out a little more...I honestly don't know what I would do without her....She ended up staying over which was good because I'm not sure I would have been able to get myself out of bed yesterday if it hadn't been for her.
Last night was really rough....it was the first day that we haven't talked or at least text in almost a year. Even before that it was rare to go a day without talking. I know that everything will work out and I will be okay, but right now, it doesn't feel that way at all. Times when I'm not busy/not with people is going to be the hardest for a while. I'm going to try to not let this whole thing put me into a slump and am going to make a huge effort to use my emotions to push me more to work out ("exercise makes endorphins, and endorphins make you happy... (and happy people don't kill people)" - 100000 points for the person who can name the movie). I don't know what I'm going to do without him.... I know that I don't have to be totally without him, but for now, I do because its the only way I'm going to be able to move on and try to get myself into a place where I'm able to have a healthy relationship with someone else. I want to be happy, and I'm generally a happy person, but when you get dumped by someone who you were great with out of nowhere, it kind of kills the happy. I absolutely hate dating and starting new relationships- I don't like the whole "figuring someone out" phase.... I was WAY past that with "The Boy" and I could totally be myself around him without any thought and I have never been with anyone where I could do that.... After 2 years of being with the same person and knowing what to expect and then going into not knowing where anything is going, not knowing what I want.... etc....its scary. I am going to take one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other and just work on getting through today...I'll tackle tomorrow when I get there.
Until Next Time