Wednesday, March 06, 2013
I'd skip this blog if i were you. :-/
I've been having a rough time of it lately folks- I won't lie. I'm not sure how to fix all the problems I'm having, many of which are related to anxiety. I'm in some high stress classes, trying to write a research proposal, overwhelmed by extracurriculars and my job?...Well it's just demanding more and more of my time as well. It's gotten to the point that I'm worried about my health.
I had heart palpitations in class on saturday. I've had difficulty breathing, and even when I'm sitting doing nothing there's this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I briefly flirted with the idea of going to the emergency room, with the heart pounding that's how bad it was.
I haven't exercised in a gym in over a month. And now with the breathing trouble and the anxiety, I'm scared to start again. I should see a doctor... but first,I need to find a physician who accepts our insurance. the husband was annoyed that we had to pay my august doctor's appt at the Allina clinic in full, despite them saying they accepted our insurance. Everything is a mess. I need to do a million different things. I kinda just want to crawl into a ball and hide under the desk. I've told my husband about the anxiety, and he just kinda laughed it off and didn't take me seriously. I told him I wanted to take a week off from work to pull myself together and he was like "just make a doctor's appointment, you don't need to take a week off." But I feel so overwhelmed, and like I'm letting everyone around me down.It's affecting my sleep. I can't turn my mind off. it just keeps berating me and cycling through all the things that still need doing.
I wish I had someone here to talk to. I wish I had some kind of support system, and someone other than my dog to reassure me, and tell me everything is going to be okay. I wish that I was a warrior, not a worrier. That I could cope with all the stress piling around me.I'm just so unhappy.i wish there was help, or a Calvary to come rescue me.
I'm in a bad place.
I'm back up to 175.5. stress eating nom nom nom. I'm not cooking much because cooking involves going to the grocery, and carrying back the bags alone. and I think that if I keep putting it off i can get the husband to come with me, but instead he keeps picking up frozen meals at target on the way home from work. And instead of making a grocery list or fighting with him about it, I just let it go, because I can't do it right now. I can't deal with that, and the laundry, and my job and my graduate program and all these things. I can barely keep the apartment presentable, and get my assignments done.
and I read everything I've just written, and I'm ashamed that I'm like this. and I feel like a depressed, lazy poorly managed slacker. I can't even work up the strength to make a list. I don't know what to prioritize. Everything is important. Everything needs to get done.
I Just. Can't. Deal.
And in the end I just come back here to spark, and cry a bit as I rant out my frustrations at whatever poor soul clicks the link to read this. This is a mess. and I'm sorry I wrote it. But I'm posting it anyway. And I hope that I have an epiphany or something that makes all of this more bearable. I hope that I can look back on this and laugh and say "How silly! Why on earth did I ever think this wasn't all manageable"