Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Hilary is a wonderful healer who I see every couple of weeks. I am so blest!
Not sure where to start.. today Hilary did her magic on me once again. As she was working on my energy having her hands on only my head, I began to hear and see the visions of Mama, Uncle C., Daddy brainwashing me over and over that every time I put a bite of food in my mouth, it was to remind me of just what I was, a piece of sh!t. With the visions of everything that was ever crammed down my throat................. and everything else imaginable that they did to me came flooding back to me….. tears…..
EVERYONE HAS TO EAT!! Just imagine, that with every bite of food you put into your mouth, it is a reminder of just how bad, dirty, filthy, dark, sh!tty, gross and everything else bad that you are. What THEY wanted to make you feel, what THEY crammed into my head over and over for 18 years. How brilliant they were to hypnotize me that for each and every time I put food in my mouth, it was so I would not forget who I was. In reality, every time I put food in my mouth, especially cramming the food down to make me feel better or make it go away, to numb myself it was in fact, punishing me. Reinforcing the hate and disgust of myself, continuing on with the punishment and reenactment of everything that I DID, but the truth is that it was everything that that was THEY DID to me. I know it was not my doings or fault but, such brainwashing over and over as well as all the things they did to me to make sure I knew what I was made of.
So no wonder why I have fought an eating problem all my adult life. Not knowing that it meant and why. Not knowing it was reinforcing punishment that they put into my head.
So, now as if Debbie Ford would say… step back, look deep within and name this little one, this part of me that was remembering and dealing with this. Give her a name, Elizabeth.. What is her gift to me???..........all I can think of is guilt and shame…… She helped me hide all the pain and shame, she helped me push away all the memories in order to keep going. She helped numb me from horrific memories. She helped me stuff food down when I knew they were going to starve me for 2 or more days. Is this a gift? I am still only feeling shame, maybe that is what I am supposed to feel right now in order to release it.
How in the world am I going to change this deep programming? So deeply imbedded that It took till now for it to come out. Just turning 56 but with guilt of eating and pigging out at the buffets while on our Birthday getaway trip. Gaining so much weight. Gaining weight is also a punishment, I do not deserve to be thin and beautiful. Hmmmmmmm that is only for good people and I am certainly not good. I know in my heart that I am good, but not in my head. Something in me refuses to accept this part of me, this “shadow” Why would I want to hold on to this part of my life? What would it mean if I accepted her? What would it mean if I accepted that I was good and never deserved what happened to me? Why is it so much easier to believe the bad stuff instead of the good? WHY CAN’T I LET THIS GO?????
I AM WHAT I AM!!!!!! Just came to me.. Maybe “GOOD” and “BAD” are too triggering of words for me…. I can give it a different name. I am what I am. be in the now be ok with who I am right now and let the rest go. I do not need to be good or bad, I just need to be ME! I am not good, I am not bad. I AM WHAT I AM!! how cool is that? these words sound familiar, can’t remember if it was Jesus who spoke them or ?
I looked it up…the response God used in the Hebrew Bible when Moses asked for his name (Exodus 3:14). “I AM THAT I AM”…. WOW
Did God give this to me? God is not good or bad, he just IS!! He/She is everything. I came from this same likeness, same Spirit, same Love. WOW, did I just feel a huge shift inside. I need to print this out to remind me of who I am. I AM THAT I AM…. meaning I AM WHAT I AM!
Now looking inside at this part of me, little Elizabeth doesn’t seem so bad and dirty. I don’t seem so bad and dirty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got lots to think about.....
I am only putting this out here for to help someone else. Not to make you feel bad or sorry for me but maybe to give you your own lightbulb! or AHAA moment. My pain.... just hope it helps you too. Helps you see who you really are as well.
"I AM THAT I AM"