"I AM THAT I AM"
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Hilary is a wonderful healer who I see every couple of weeks. I am so blest!
Not sure where to start.. today Hilary did her magic on me once again. As she was working on my energy having her hands on only my head, I began to hear and see the visions of Mama, Uncle C., Daddy brainwashing me over and over that every time I put a bite of food in my mouth, it was to remind me of just what I was, a piece of sh!t. With the visions of everything that was ever crammed down my throat................. and everything else imaginable that they did to me came flooding back to me….. tears…..
EVERYONE HAS TO EAT!! Just imagine, that with every bite of food you put into your mouth, it is a reminder of just how bad, dirty, filthy, dark, sh!tty, gross and everything else bad that you are. What THEY wanted to make you feel, what THEY crammed into my head over and over for 18 years. How brilliant they were to hypnotize me that for each and every time I put food in my mouth, it was so I would not forget who I was. In reality, every time I put food in my mouth, especially cramming the food down to make me feel better or make it go away, to numb myself it was in fact, punishing me. Reinforcing the hate and disgust of myself, continuing on with the punishment and reenactment of everything that I DID, but the truth is that it was everything that that was THEY DID to me. I know it was not my doings or fault but, such brainwashing over and over as well as all the things they did to me to make sure I knew what I was made of.
So no wonder why I have fought an eating problem all my adult life. Not knowing that it meant and why. Not knowing it was reinforcing punishment that they put into my head.
So, now as if Debbie Ford would say… step back, look deep within and name this little one, this part of me that was remembering and dealing with this. Give her a name, Elizabeth.. What is her gift to me???..........all I can think of is guilt and shame…… She helped me hide all the pain and shame, she helped me push away all the memories in order to keep going. She helped numb me from horrific memories. She helped me stuff food down when I knew they were going to starve me for 2 or more days. Is this a gift? I am still only feeling shame, maybe that is what I am supposed to feel right now in order to release it.
How in the world am I going to change this deep programming? So deeply imbedded that It took till now for it to come out. Just turning 56 but with guilt of eating and pigging out at the buffets while on our Birthday getaway trip. Gaining so much weight. Gaining weight is also a punishment, I do not deserve to be thin and beautiful. Hmmmmmmm that is only for good people and I am certainly not good. I know in my heart that I am good, but not in my head. Something in me refuses to accept this part of me, this “shadow” Why would I want to hold on to this part of my life? What would it mean if I accepted her? What would it mean if I accepted that I was good and never deserved what happened to me? Why is it so much easier to believe the bad stuff instead of the good? WHY CAN’T I LET THIS GO?????
I AM WHAT I AM!!!!!! Just came to me.. Maybe “GOOD” and “BAD” are too triggering of words for me…. I can give it a different name. I am what I am. be in the now be ok with who I am right now and let the rest go. I do not need to be good or bad, I just need to be ME! I am not good, I am not bad. I AM WHAT I AM!! how cool is that? these words sound familiar, can’t remember if it was Jesus who spoke them or ?
I looked it up…the response God used in the Hebrew Bible when Moses asked for his name (Exodus 3:14). “I AM THAT I AM”…. WOW
Did God give this to me? God is not good or bad, he just IS!! He/She is everything. I came from this same likeness, same Spirit, same Love. WOW, did I just feel a huge shift inside. I need to print this out to remind me of who I am. I AM THAT I AM…. meaning I AM WHAT I AM!
Now looking inside at this part of me, little Elizabeth doesn’t seem so bad and dirty. I don’t seem so bad and dirty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Got lots to think about.....
I am only putting this out here for to help someone else. Not to make you feel bad or sorry for me but maybe to give you your own lightbulb! or AHAA moment. My pain.... just hope it helps you too. Helps you see who you really are as well.
"I AM THAT I AM"
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Wow. I am so glad to hear you have the help and support to get past all of this. I am also so glad you survived all of that. It would destroy and kill most gentle souls. You not only survived, you kept your gentle soul in tact. You inspire me. To be my best and not let the crap in life around me change who I am
I really needed to be reminded of this today. Thank you for sharing. I now know I can find a way to move forward again. Accept that I was in a place that was not a good fit, and find the right fit.
1596 days ago
1596 days ago
YOU NEED TO SHARE YOUR HEART AND SOUL WITH CHILDREN OF ABUSE I HONESTLY BELIEVE IF YOU WILL SHARE OF YOURSELF WITH THEM AND HEAR THEM WITH A HEART THAT SOOOOO UNDERSTANDS YOU WILL IN TURN BE HEALED FOREVER. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM ANY LONGER YOU ARE THE VICTOR THE HERO THAT ROSE ABOVE ALL THE CIRCUMSTANCES PUT UPON YOU AS A CHILD BY THE VERY PEOPLE THAT WERE PUT IN YOUR LIFE TO PROTECT, LOVE AND NURTURE THERE IS NO GREATER CRIME IN MY EYES THAN TO TRY TO DESTROY ANOTHER'S SOUL.
YOU WILL HAVE TURNED YOUR TEST INTO A TESTIMONY .. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO HELP SO MANY JUST BY BEING YOU! .. SENT WITH LOVE ..DONNA
1598 days ago
That was aweful to have to go through that. I sometimes feel I don't deserve it either but not from abuse. I have always been overweight and used to feel so inferior because of people laughing. Then as I got older I realized that God made us all different because we are all special, one of a kind people. We are all connected through the power of being and spirit. when we hurt one...we hurt all.
We are all one yet apart. You sometimes have to dig down deep and pull out that higher self so that you can know just who you are.
" hands across spark people...season of hope."
1606 days ago
Wow, Jetta, what an enlightening moment for you....so happy for you that you have found something deep inside to be able to release, it's not easy, is it? Here's a good meditation....
Sit with yourself in silence, fill yourself with Light & Love, and let it all come up again, let yourself have a good cry, then using your hands/arms in a cutting motion across your body, say out loud, 'I cut the cords that are holding me back, I release all deep programming from my mind, body & spirit, and so it is, so it is, so it is'. Visualize it going from your body as maybe a shadow, or as dark clouds of smoke, going either out through your head, or down through your feet, asking your Angels to help rid you of this... then do a deep cleansing of your entire house, visualizing AA Raphael & Gabriel sending their Gold & Silver energy as raindrops coming all the way through your house, through every room, through your entire body, send it down to Mother Earth, ask her to cleanse it & send it back up to you, feel it going up through your body, spilling over you, up through the roof & all over the house, until your entire house and yourself are bathed in Golden healing light....Stay there for as long as you need, don't forget to stamp your feet to ground yourself when you come back & drink a couple of glasses of alkaline water....& maybe have a small sweetie to bring your energy back....
Good luck, dearest one.....you are the 'good-est' person I know...just think of all the thousands of people you have helped.....all because you are a good & decent person, and how much you Love people, ....there is such Love all around you Jetta....
I hope you can release it all honey.....if anyone deserves a good life, it's you....
You are always in my Prayers, darling....choose to be happy at all times, and it will happen....ans so it is, so it is, so it is....
Bye my sweet Lady Jetta....
Love is all around you, I can 'see' it....
1630 days ago
Comment edited on: 3/7/2013 1:48:29 AM
1631 days ago
Elizabeth gave you the gift of staying alive in the middle of those horrors. you can brainwash yourself back too. every time you eat say-I'm good , I'm perfect , I'm happy or whatever do you like
1631 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.