Why the long absence?

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

So where does one begin after such a long absence? From the beginning I suppose. But don't worry, I'll keep it brief considering its been years since I was last on Sparkspeople.

Lets begin where I left off. I was at a point in my life where I was secretly struggling with nearly every aspect of my life and couldn't seem to gain the least bit of control. Fostering 2 young children was wonderful, but I lacked to support I needed from my DH. He had no experience at all with children, no understanding or even confidence of his abilities. Way out of his comfort zone. I was doing everything myself and at the time, I was happy to do it. You can imagine that it didn't take long to affect me and our marriage negatively. I didn't want to admit I didn't need help and he was more than happy to pass the buck. I didn't make myself or our marriage a priority, I focused on the children and became resentful and bitter. It didn't make anything better when we welcomed another foster child into our lives.

A few years of this and I snapped! I became physically and emotionally drained, and my temper was increasingly getting shorter, even with the children, my marriage was nearly at an end. I felt there had to be a better way, I was desperate. I clung on to the hope that God was never going to give up on me and that I needed to refocus and recommit to Him. I began going back to church and started going to house group. I was back on track, but far to go still. I was making headway in my spiritual journey and getting support from church and house group, but longing for my DH to get on board.

After a night of extremely heated arguing, I walked out. I had every intention of packing up and leaving, but he got in my way and refused to budge so I walked out with just my cell phone and keys. Our fighting had increased over time and the intensity was explosive. We were not physical but words can cut deep, just as much and take longer to heal in some cases. So I went for a walk to calm down and think of my next move. Ironically, it was my house group night so I called them to let them know I wasn't coming and why. They began to pray and I had agreed to go back and talk to my DH calmly. They interceded for us most of the night.

I had gone back home to find it empty. Not really surprising because one of our children had an activity and DH had to do an important errand. While I waited for them to return, I prayed that God would forgive my actions and change my heart. I asked God to intervene in my marriage and family and that whatever emotional damage that was done regarding the children, would be minimal. When they came home, We pulled the children aside and explained to them that it would be all right and that we were sorry for scaring them. We prayed as a family then sent them to bed. My DH and I sat on the couch with a very long awkward silence until I said I was sorry for my part in everything. I vented about all the built up frustrations over the years and my desperation for his support and understanding. He apologized for his part in everything as well and we were able forgive each other.

Since then, he has been coming to church and house group with me and the kids and even though we may still disagree on things, it has never been as bad as it was. He even gave his life to Christ!

So here I am. Making the time for myself, having the mindset that I am just as important as the ones I love and take care of. It's a balancing act, but with the grace of God I can do it!

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