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A lightbulb went off today - am I enough?

Monday, March 04, 2013

It's March 4 today. I've been "trying" to loose weight since I got home from Las Vegas. Then I was re-ignited to challenge myself to loose weight in January. We booked flights to Las Vegas and I wanted to loose 10lbs to fit into my jacket for the most recent half marathon I ran.

Needless to say, I haven't gotten there. I was 236lbs when I started this. This morning I was 231.5. Mind you, I was dehydrated and hungry - I hadn't eaten or drank any water Sunday. Long story short, I was sick. Stressed out so badly that I didn't want to eat anything. I didn't get hungry until after 11pm, so I waited until morning.

Needless to say, here I am two months later, and essentially right where I started.

I've had nothing but excuses. Yes I've had pain. But I haven't been in pain everday. On days when I wasn't in pain, I tended to make excuses.

I was afraid of triggering the pain again.

I know fitness and moving won't trigger the pain. In fact, it helps me keep it at bay.

what a sorry excuse. It wasn't even true.

Something is standing in my way.

I'm standing in my own way.

But why? What is wrong? What is keeping me from doing what I need to do? What am I so afraid of?

I'm afraid of:
finding out I can't actually do this.
I know. It's silly. I've done it before. I liked the results. So why am I actually afraid I can't do it now?

finding out I'm not as strong as I need to be.
Again, I know better. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I know this.

Maybe I just don't think I deserve this?
Maybe I don't deserve to be happy again?
That's the depression talking. I know it is. But it's such a loud, overwhelming voice in my head right now. I don't know if I can drown it out.

I don't feel that I'm doing enough, so why bother.
It may not be enough yet. But it's more than I did yesterday. Or the day before. So I should just get out there and do SOMETHING!

I have to admit, I honestly almost never look forward to getting my running shoes on and going out for a run.

What I do look forward to:
Feeling accomplished when I've done my workout.
I don't get this every time. I don't know why. Maybe I need to look at this closer.

The endorphins.
Again, I don't always get them. I know they are not always there, but they will come as I build up my foundation.

Actually feeling stronger and better about me
It takes a long time to get there. Between now and then, the voice telling me I'll never get back to that tends to win.

I really need to find a way to just do what I need to do, and forget about external positive re-enforcement for now. I just don't know how to do this.

If I get out there and start moving, and see no change on the scale, it's hard to deal with.

If I go out and give it all I've got, and still feel completely exhausted after every workout, it's hard to believe I'm making progress.

It's hard to go and try, then find out you just can't make the goals you've set for yourself for that day. You just can't run the 10min straight. It's still too much. It gets so easy to start berating myself. Comparing me to who I was a couple of years ago.

It's so hard to find my motivation to get out and do anything, when my Hubby is encouraging me to not do it. He'd prefer I stay home, rest, and spend my energy on him.

It's hard feeling like you are not enough. You are not enough to do what you want to. You are not enough to be there for someone who loves you so much. You are just not enough.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon It's always hard when the scale doesn't show us the results like we would like...remember changes are happening to your body in positive ways when you keep going-even over the bumps-we just can't always see them as a number on the scale. You can do it-I agree SP has lots of great motivation stories...I've even made pinterest boards to inspire myself to keep pushing through the rough times-everything from health to clothing to fun stuff to hobbies. You're doing great- emoticon glad you are dealing with the emotions-one of the best things you can do for yourself is just get it out. ((HUGS))
    1714 days ago
    You can do it! One small goal at a time.
    1719 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    1724 days ago
    Take it one step and one day at a time. You will get to where you want to be. emoticon
    1724 days ago
  • JANAMP09
    Keep working at it
    1724 days ago
    You need to put yourself first. Start slow, take things one step at a time. Tell yourself you are beautiful. Be proud of your accomplishments no matter how small. There are times when the scale doesn't move, but that is not the only way to show you are an achiever. Are your clothes fitting better, are you beginning to feel healthy. These are other ways to show you are achieving your goals. Keep pushing ahead, don't give up. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!! emoticon
    1724 days ago
  • DNRAE1
    You can do it, but you need to get some encouragement. There are some wonderful articles here on SP that will help with your motivation, and also your feelings of not feeling strong enough to do it. The first thing I started doing, was not letting myself expect to lose a pound every day. If I lost a pound a week, I started letting that be the exciting goal! Not gaining, tracking my food, and doing even 10 minutes of walking, or a short SP video, every day has really kept me going. I also find so much encouragement from my SP friends! Utilize this website to its fullest, and you will find yourself believing in yourself! Yes, You CAN do it!!!!
    1724 days ago
    Wow. I had no idea it was such a mess inside. I think this'll take a few more blogs and a lot more writing to get it all out.
    1724 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1725 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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