It's March 4 today. I've been "trying" to loose weight since I got home from Las Vegas. Then I was re-ignited to challenge myself to loose weight in January. We booked flights to Las Vegas and I wanted to loose 10lbs to fit into my jacket for the most recent half marathon I ran.
Needless to say, I haven't gotten there. I was 236lbs when I started this. This morning I was 231.5. Mind you, I was dehydrated and hungry - I hadn't eaten or drank any water Sunday. Long story short, I was sick. Stressed out so badly that I didn't want to eat anything. I didn't get hungry until after 11pm, so I waited until morning.
Needless to say, here I am two months later, and essentially right where I started.
I've had nothing but excuses. Yes I've had pain. But I haven't been in pain everday. On days when I wasn't in pain, I tended to make excuses.
I was afraid of triggering the pain again.
I know fitness and moving won't trigger the pain. In fact, it helps me keep it at bay.
what a sorry excuse. It wasn't even true.
Something is standing in my way.
I'm standing in my own way.
But why? What is wrong? What is keeping me from doing what I need to do? What am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid of:
finding out I can't actually do this.
I know. It's silly. I've done it before. I liked the results. So why am I actually afraid I can't do it now?
finding out I'm not as strong as I need to be.
Again, I know better. I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I know this.
Maybe I just don't think I deserve this?
Maybe I don't deserve to be happy again?
That's the depression talking. I know it is. But it's such a loud, overwhelming voice in my head right now. I don't know if I can drown it out.
I don't feel that I'm doing enough, so why bother.
It may not be enough yet. But it's more than I did yesterday. Or the day before. So I should just get out there and do SOMETHING!
I have to admit, I honestly almost never look forward to getting my running shoes on and going out for a run.
What I do look forward to:
Feeling accomplished when I've done my workout.
I don't get this every time. I don't know why. Maybe I need to look at this closer.
Again, I don't always get them. I know they are not always there, but they will come as I build up my foundation.
Actually feeling stronger and better about me
It takes a long time to get there. Between now and then, the voice telling me I'll never get back to that tends to win.
I really need to find a way to just do what I need to do, and forget about external positive re-enforcement for now. I just don't know how to do this.
If I get out there and start moving, and see no change on the scale, it's hard to deal with.
If I go out and give it all I've got, and still feel completely exhausted after every workout, it's hard to believe I'm making progress.
It's hard to go and try, then find out you just can't make the goals you've set for yourself for that day. You just can't run the 10min straight. It's still too much. It gets so easy to start berating myself. Comparing me to who I was a couple of years ago.
It's so hard to find my motivation to get out and do anything, when my Hubby is encouraging me to not do it. He'd prefer I stay home, rest, and spend my energy on him.
It's hard feeling like you are not enough. You are not enough to do what you want to. You are not enough to be there for someone who loves you so much. You are just not enough.