Monday, March 04, 2013
When the bottom falls out from under you what do you do?
a) Hold on for dear life with broken fingers nails and white knuckles
d) Reach deep inside and find strength
e) ALL OF THE ABOVE
Ya, the answer is (e) all of the above.
After months of advising the owner of the firm that we were running on empty and new clients needed to be obtained somehow, someway he finally got the message last week. Albeit to late to save us.
Friday, afternoon, he let me know that we will be closing the doors for the final time at the end of March. THE.BOTTOM.FELL.OUT! O_O I sat stone faced and simply asked, "how do we prepare for that?"
Having seen the writing on the wall for months I wasn't all that surprised but it's still a shock to the system. I've spent 12 years of my life with this company. I don't like job changes so I hung through the best and worst of times. We've had partnership formations, break ups, embezzlement (by the owners wife), our corporate office was fire bombed by defendants in a case and we've hired/fired a few fantastic people and a few not so fantastic people.
I've been tasked with shutting it down but I'm not sure what that looks like. Gotta match and some gasoline? That should do it, right?! HA. I'd handle the task a lot better if I could get answers to my questions but Mr In Charge seems to be too busy to chat. *SHOCKING!*
My emotions are all over the map. The worst one yet, suddenly feeling insecure about my knowledge and know how of the business. That's a sinking feeling of all kinds of nastiness. *SHAKE.IT.OFF*
I'm also angry at Mr In Charge for not paying attention. For not listening. For always being the guy who dreams big but doesn't have a plan in place to make those dreams a reality. I'm equally angry at my Mr for being a spender. I told him months ago that things were grim and to stop the unnecessary spending. He didn't listen either.
I'm bitter at those around me for taking on my issue and making it theirs. I don't want to have to babysit someone else because they suddenly have a mental break due to my employment status. Really, this isn't about you! I tell them and then repeat ... this is why I don't share things because I suddenly have to be your rock and my own pillar of strength. I get the wide eyed stare and silence after that. Here's a thought ... ask me how I'm doing and if there's anything you can do. *VENTING*
I'm sad. It's been 12 years. TWELVE.YEARS!! I'm comfortable and I'm in charge.
I haven't found my happy place yet. I'm still looking!
Sure my Mr works but he makes just above minimum wage. He's been trying to get a new position with a higher wage but the market is competitive. Between his wage and my pending unemployment things will be TIGHT for awhile. Doable? Well, it's gonna have to be doable.
I'm holding on by my fingertips when it comes to my nutrition. I cannot afford to loose control. I can't slide into the blackness and allow binges to take over. Eat responsibly if nothing else right now. I can report I've not binged since the news. A couple of nights I felt the urge and knew if I stayed up after the Mr went to bed I'd be in trouble so off to bed I went to read. *CRISIS AVERTED*
Workouts are a must and I am sore to prove I put in the time. Saturday I was at the gym for Zumba and strength training and back again on Sunday. My workout friend is helping keep me focused and on task. For that I am eternally grateful.
This is a dark time for me right now and I'm trying to keep my head on straight. I'm looking for the next best thing and a soft place to land. I'm looking inward to find the strength I know I have and the power to push through.
When the bottom falls out ... what will you do?