Monday, March 04, 2013
Well, it's been just over a year since I've written a new entry. The last time I wrote an entry I was at about 315 lbs. I stayed right around that, not going up or down too much, which is a good thing considering I ate whatever I wanted with no thought. Last week I suddenly decided to join a gym. There was no epiphany, no bolt of lightening that struck me or traumatizing fitting room experience. I've been doing yoga and tai chi for the last 6 weeks, twice a week for each (its required for my degree!) and I've been noticing how I'm not as tired in the evening, and if I sit down and put my feet up for a while they don't hurt when I stand up again. I am, by far, the fattest person in both of my P.E. classes, but that doesn't really bother me. I guess I just decided enough was enough. I won't say this is the last time I'm starting my "new lifestyle" because I've said that before. But, I will say this: this time, I feel more confident than ever. I've joined a gym, joined a weight-loss contest, been tracking my food religiously, and I have no desire to eat how I was before. Before this last week, I'd think nothing of buying a bag of candy or a package of oreo's and eating it all in one or two nights. Now, I'm eating more greek yogurt, chia seeds, spirulina and salad than I would have ever thought humanly possible. If I want a late night snack, I'm eating a low-cal, low-fat fudgecicle (love skinny cow) or some yogurt with a little bit of granola. Not the cup of granola on top of two cups of yogurt that I was eating before, and convincing myself that it was "healthy." When I went to the gym for the first time they weighed me (part of this competition) and I couldn't believe it: 324 pounds. Holy cow. That is officially the heaviest I have ever been. Before, I would weigh myself and I was in the 310-315 range, but I didn't really think anything of it. It's like I built a tolerance to it, it was accepted, it was who I was. But, people, that's 165 pounds more than I should weigh. That's TWICE what I should weigh. Holy cow. Again. After that sunk in, I started looking at everything else I did in my life that I had come to accept. I drive around campus over and over so I can get a closer parking spot and not have to walk the 1/2 mile to class from the overflow lot, I circle parking lots at stores to get closer ones, I take the elevator instead of the stairs, I bought bigger clothes in a size 24...all of these things I did are testament to the unhealthy life I was living and I wasn't even really aware of it. But, that's in the past. Every day, every hour and minute is a new start. I have a trainer at the gym now. A luxury for me, but I've already paid for the whole month to start myself out on a good foot. I have my gym membership. I took my old bike in for its necessary repairs and ordered a tag along trailer for my toddler to ride in so we can go on bike rides. I track everything I eat. Today, instead of the delicious meat, gravy and potatoes that I would have gladly piled on my plate, I had a salad and an apple, with a glass of water. When I went grocery shopping for healthier foods, I didn't buy even one cookie, candy, cake or chip. I have zero desire to eat them. Accountability is huge for me, and a big part of my motivation is that I don't want to show my food diary to my trainer and let her see that I ate 20 cookies, and I'm too honest to lie. Besides, the scale won't lie. If I tell her I am working out and eating right, and that number doesn't go down, she'd know I was lying. And what's the point of working with a trainer if you won't work with her, you will only lie to her? If the acceptance of another person is what it takes to motivate me right now, then that's what it takes. Eventually, my own changing body and how I feel will be my motivation, but for now, I'm afraid that simply wouldn't be enough. I've tried losing the weight on my own too many times to count. So, this time I am taking a different approach. Its not only the eating that my trainer motivates, but exercising as well. When I am working out with her, she'll say "give me three more!" and, ever the overachiever, I'll say "no, I am not gonna do three more. I'm gonna do five more!" And on that last rep, with my muscles shaking and my face sweating, I feel more accomplished than I can say.