Sunday, March 03, 2013
Well, currently I'm in not all that great of a mood. I think that it is mainly to do with the weather, with it being so cold and dreary outside. We got a day or two of sunshine, but they feel like ages ago. I'm not sure really when they were.
I find myself realizing that for the most part, I just hide inside the house unless my sister or mother need me to drive them somewhere or we need to get groceries. I go to church on Sundays, work in the Nursery. If the weather isn't too horrible, I might go for a thirty six minute walk. Though again, that depends on the weather, so if it is rainy or visibility is really bad, I don't go out. I've gone out maybe twice in that many weeks.
I tried hanging out with my bff last week, but his girlfriend ended up messing that up, like always. >.> So, after walking 40 minutes to his house to see him, it was pretty much "Uh, we have time for one movie and some Chinese food and then you'll have to go home." Which made me not so much of a happy camper. This always happens. His girlfriend always calls up, says that she is available or as soon as she hears that I'm hanging out with him, she'll jump in her car and get there as fast as she can so she can hang all over him and make it seriously awkward so I end up leaving because it is so obvious what she wants to be doing. I can't get it through to her that I'm not interested in him that way and she won't believe me anyway if I did tell her, heck, she'll think that I want him even more than she does now. She also doesn't like the fact that I've been losing so much weight, and she keeps comparing herself to me, even though the bff has been telling her that her weight doesn't matter to him, that he loves her no matter what.
*sighs* I guess that is a big problem. I just want to hang out with my best friend, but it is seen as me having ulterior motives. I just want out of my house to de-stress, but then his girlfriend gets involved and it just gets so much more stressful.
On the mom's health front, I'm currently looking for doctors who specialize in vertigo, though I'm not really having any luck for finding any in our area. I was able to find a rehab center that has the needed physical therapy, so I'm wondering if an option would be to call them and ask them if they knew of doctor's that could see my mom, tell us what we need to do, and what sort of physical therapy she needs. I don't think that she needs the one with realigning the stones in her inner ear anymore, because the last time those were looked at, they seemed to be fine. So it looks like there was more than one cause to her vertigo. Her bad days seem more frequent, and we bought her a walker the other day. She hasn't used it yet, but we haven't gone on any major outings, so she hasn't really needed to use it yet.
Hopefully my sister will be able to get working in the next six months, I am really hoping. I'm worried about her, because she has never realistically thought about what she would do if our parents weren't around. I've thought about it a lot, but it never really occurred to her. I have a sort of plan of what I can do if something happens, I know people that would be willing to help me out and let me live with them for a couple of months until I could get everything settled and find my own place to live and a job, but my sister doesn't really have connections with people. None that are within just a few hours' drive anyway. Everyone she knows is either across the country or on the other side of the world. She just... ugh. I feel like a parent to her to. I've felt that way since I was in middle school. Always hearing from mom how she was bullied, how the school system never did the things that they needed to meet her needs, how difficult it was to get her to cooperate as a small child with her hearing aids, and of course, what I hear nearly daily is how the military health system screwed up and it is their fault that she has her hearing loss since she was almost a month overdue.
At times, it seems that my mother doesn't have that line between myself and her, of a parent/child relationship. Where you don't weigh your child down with all of the problems that you have to deal with. I understand telling me about them as I got older, maybe my last couple of years of high school, but when I'm starting to feel responsible for my older sister at the middle school level? I guess it is the way that she was raised. How she was told by her own mother that she might as well name her youngest two brothers, the 8th and 9th children of her parents, because she was going to be the one raising them. She started cooking for the entire family at the age of 10, right until she married my dad at 29. They depended on her a lot.
I might be reading way too much into things. I don't know. I just feel meh and I feel like eating a gazillion chicken nuggets when I really shouldn't eat anything else for today. I feel hungry, but I know I shouldn't be. *sighs*
I should be more social. Maybe that will help. A guy from church was telling me about this MLP:FiM group that he is a part of and he thinks that I would really enjoy it. Maybe I'll join the group, talk to a few people, and go to a couple of the meet-ups. I'd at least know him, and maybe I'd be able to make a couple new friends. If anything, it would give me a reason to get out of the house a few more times a month and take some time away from everything.
I'm looking forward to the Cherry Blossom Festival. I should be staying at a friend's house and we'll go to bed super early on a Friday so that we can wake up at 4 in the morning on Saturday and make the trek to DC. Hopefully with finding a place that serves breakfast 24/7 beforehand to eat, because I don't think I'd want to go on an empty stomach. Though, maybe she's gotten some breakfast foods in her house since then... Oh yeah! Protein waffles. That'll be much better.
I think I'm going to read or watch a funny movie or something. Get my mind off of things.