Sunday, March 03, 2013
The hardest thing for me to do each day is to face the day. To wake up, open my eyes, and eventually climb out of bed to face the day and what needs to be done, if anything, or the nothing that needs to be done on some days is devastating. There are days that I would just stay there, wallowing in sorrow but my legs begin to hurt after a while. The days when I have nothing to do are the worst, the lonliest, the saddest. When my legs start to hurt is when I finally climb out of bed, brush my teeth, and start my day. If I don't start to move my muscles will just hurt more; so, get up? I must.
I know that I have to find something to do with my time, with the days to fill them and get me through my terrible grief. I know that I must but I have lost the desire to do anything particular. I have lost the passion for most things. People tell me to volunteer. I don't want to and I would be a lousy volunteer right now. Besides, I am lacking the will to commit to a schedule and most places want that committment. I am also lacking the desire, the passion, or whatever it is that drives people to volunteer.
Don't get me wrong, I have volunteered a lot over the years. I was a Girl Scout leader for many years, I worked on Military Chaplains' retreat weekends until I was "fired" because neither my husband nor I were military, I worked a crisis hotline and moderated training groups for many years, I volunteered and my kids' schools, I helped produce the first all night graduation party at one school in the area, I volunteered at the churches I have attended, etc. Maybe I am just volunteered out!
The good thing? My work starts up again soon. I will work with photographers in a high school the 14th and 15th of March. I will have to be at the school early; so, I won't have a choice but to get up and get moving. I know it will be hard but being with the high school seniors will be fun and I will have a few dollars toward the taxes I owe this year.
Now, to get myself moving, get clothes in the dryer, clean the cat's box, but first I will wipe my tears and blow my nose, things that I do a lot anymore.