Sunday, March 03, 2013
Hubby and I got in an argument last night...in which he ended up ignoring me, as usual. I got pissed off and stormed out of the house at 3 am and went straight for the gas station to buy some cigs. I was doing good and hadnt smoked since Feb 12 but every time I try to quit he always has to do something to upset me and then cigs are the first place I turn to calm my nerves. So I ended up smoking two of them but I still didnt feel good enough to go back home.
I sat in my van in an empty parking lot staring at the pouring rain for 2 hours contemplating what I should do with myself. At 5 am I decided to go through the drive through and get myself a "treat". Anyway, I "deserved" it. I bought 2 egg mcmuffins and scuffed them down within a couple of minutes. But no that wasnt enough. Then I went across the parking lot and bought myself a pack of timbits (small donuts) and ate them all one after the other. After I had finished enjoying/punishing myself I felt that I was ready to go back.
I passed out on the couch around 5:30 and had to be up to take the kids to their activities at 8. After returning back home again I went back to bed and slept for most of the day, meanwhile still not speaking to my husband. Upon waking up all I wanted to eat was chocolate. So I searched the house and found some of the kids easter chocolate and had some of that until dinner.
We were invites to a friends house for dinner and although I felt like crap and didnt want to go, I dragged myself up and went. We had salad and chicken and rice...not too bad, except that I filled my plate up with the serving size I would have normally eaten a few months ago and ate until I was stuffed. Even though I already felt uncomfortable I didnt refuse when I was served dessert; brownies and vanilla ice cream.
I was feeling so crappy today that I didnt want to log anything or even continue on spark. I had done so good so far and now I had just messed everything up because of an argument. And in the end, its not like Im punishing him....I am the only one being punished in this. I ended up eating almost 3000 calories today. And now I see just how much I was used to eating before I started this change.
I am writing this blog in hopes of looking at it tomorrow and learning from my mistakes. I don't want to feel like this again. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Sigh...