Sunday, March 03, 2013
There are many things I could start with, but I guess I should start with the week that showed me just how out of whack my life has become.
My boyfriend had been deployed to Afghanistan at the beginning of last year. So when we found out he would be coming home in December, we decided we wanted to celebrate by taking our girls on our very first family vacation. We chose to go to Disneyland, and added a couple days in Hollywood to our schedule. I am a hardcore Disney fan, and Disneyland had been somewhere I loved to go when I was kid. I had gone a lot with my ex-husband, but it had never been very enjoyable, and it had been almost 10 years ago. Needless to say, I was really excited to go this time! My boyfriend was even more excited, having never gone before. I couldn't wait to watch our daughters faces, and to see his face while he was watching them, too.
Funny how things didn't go as planned. Yes, I got to see their little faces light up, and got to hear my four year old squeal with delight during the parade. We did make some wonderful memories together that I will treasure forever. However, I also had some of the worst panic attacks I had had in years, and horrible axiety. Add to that, seeing myself in the pictures we took together was heart breaking. It was right after taking that picture with Jake from Jake and the Neverland Pirates, that it all hit home. There was my beautiful, excited 4 year old, simply ecstatic that she and her mommy took a picture with Jake. She practically ripped my Ipod out of my hands to see the picture. And there it was. She looked so cute and happy, and I looked so, so...... fat. And frumpy. It all just hit. Realizing that as an adult, every time I've gone on a vacation, I've been just fat enough to look horrible in pictures, and to be exhausted from walking all day. What the hell had happened to me? How in the world had I let it get this bad? Again? I had lost the weight from both of my pregnancies fairly quickly, and then always gained weight back. But this time? This was a new level of bad.
When we came home from the trip, I felt heartbroken. And like I didn't know where to begin or what to do. And as much as I knew I needed to start losing some weight, I knew the anxiety and panic attacks needed to be addressed first. Now, I've been in therapy for 8 weeks. I have a long way to go, and due to my past, the anxiety will always be a part of me. But the difference is now I feel like it doesn't own and control me. And that is a start.
The binge eating will be the next thing to be addressed, but for now, I'm going to focus on small changes. I now realize I do indeed have a very long road in front of me. The difference now is I don't look at that as a bad thing. My steps forward right now might be small, but I'm moving forward instead of backward, forward instead of being stuck.