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    ANHELIC   108,184
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A MIXED EMOTIONS DAY


Saturday, March 02, 2013

I AM KIND OF GOING THROUGH A REAL LOW TODAY. I FOUND OUT YESTERDAY THAT MY EX-HUSBAND PASSED ON THE 23RD OF FEBRUARY. EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ABUSIVE WITH ME, WHEN HE LEFT, I PRAYED AND ASKED GOD TO HELP ME FORGIVE HIM FOR THE THINGS HE DID TO ME OVER THE THIRTEEN AND A HALF YEARS WE WERE MARRIED. BESIDES BEING SCARED OF HIM WHEN HE WAS AROUND AND HIS TEMPER BLEW UP, I WAS ABLE TO FEEL PEACE IN MY HEART WHEN HE LEFT 10 YEARS AGO.

NOW, FINDING OUT HE HAD PASSED AWAY, MY EMOTIONS WENT ALL OVER, THINKING ABOUT THE GOOD TIMES WE HAD, THE TRIPS THAT WE TOOK, GOING TO LIVE THEATRE ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR, ALL THAT CAME BACK AND HAS ME IN A REAL DOWN MOOD FEELING BAD THAT HE IS GONE. I REMEMBERED ONLY THE NICE THINGS THAT WE DID TOGETHER KNOWING I WOULD NEVER DO THESE THINGS AGAIN, BUT I STILL KNEW HE WAS AROUND SOMEWHERE. EVEN THOUGH I WOULD NEVER GO BACK WITH HIM, I STILL HAD THE GOOD MEMORIES.

I WENT ON AN EATING BINGE TODAY AND AM AFRAID IF I DON'T GET MYSELF BACK TOGETHER, I WILL RUIN EVERYTHING I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. TODAY, I FELT ALONE, AND UNFORTUNATELY TURNED TO THE FOODS I COMFORTED MYSELF WITH INSTEAD OF TURNING TO GOD AND ASKING HIM TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THIS.

I PRAY THAT I CAN SNAP OUT OF THIS POOR ME SYNDROME AND GET BACK ON TRACK QUICKLY. NOT ONLY AM I AFRAID OF MY WEIGHT GOING UP, BUT ALSO MY POTASSIUM, SINCE I DID SO WELL WITH MY BLOOD WORK THIS WEEK. I HAVE TO CONFESS I HAD HOME FRIES THIS MORNING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 9 MONTHS AND THEY TASTED SO GOOD ALONG WITH BACON AND EGGS AND TOAST. OUCH!!! CONFESSION TIME HURTS BUT IT IS OUT IN THE OPEN. AS I WAS EATING ESPECIALLY THE POTATOES, I REALIZED HOW GOOD THEY WERE AND HOW I MISSED THEM, YET UNTIL YESTERDAY, I JUST THOUGHT ABOUT THEM, AND TODAY AFTER HAVING THEM, I REALIZED HOW MUCH I MISSED THEM. BEING HIGH IN POTASSIUM, I AM GOING TO HAVE TO DRINK TONS OF WATER TO GET THEM OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

HELP!!!!NOW THAT I HAVE READ THIS WHILE WRITING, I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE CRIED OUT TO GOD INSTEAD OF TRYING TO SATISFY MYSELF.

I KNOW TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY TO START, I JUST HOPE I DIDN'T DO TOO MUCH DAMAGE. HOWEVER, I DID LOSE 1.4 LB. THIS MORNING. NOW I AM NOT SURE WHAT MY BREAKFAST DID AND THE JUJUBES DID TO ME.

HAVE A BLESSED WEEKEND, MY FRIENDS.
JOAN emoticon the bad Joan
emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SHANNONY84 3/6/2013 12:11AM

    I hope you are back on the road to success and God is watching over you! We all fall into ruts, its how well we recover that means everything! God bless and may God be with you!

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WALLAHALLA 3/4/2013 1:33PM

    Give yourself permission to grieve and mourn, and not just for one day. Look back at all of the things worth celebrating, and celebrate them again. Treat yourself to a concert, a mini-vacation, a walk in the park, all in his honor. Be thankful for the good memories you have. Find active ways to indulge, that do not involve food, unless it is a new healthy recipe! And maybe buy yourself a new outfit that you know you'll look hot in...What better way to celebrate a man's life than by looking sexy as all get out in his honor. You are now a smokin' hot widow...a new phase of life to be explored.

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SANDRA2BSKINNY1 3/4/2013 9:08AM

    emoticon

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NELLIEC 3/3/2013 5:40PM

    If my ex were to pass away suddenly, I would feel sad. I might even attend the funeral if arrangements were made for me to get clear across the country. However, when I decided I should leave him, I got all the counter arguments out of my system. I just hope that he will accept Jesus before he dies.

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SENATOR9 3/3/2013 9:42AM

    emoticon

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MZLADY77 3/3/2013 8:42AM

    Will be praying for you. It is slow process. Healing takes time. Make sure you cast all cares, and burdens over to the Lord. He cares and see what are you going through.
Read psalm 121 daily. Whatever you had for breakfast...that's in the past. Just move forward without looking back. emoticon a least you lost one pound. Good for you.

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AVANELL 3/3/2013 8:22AM

    I have been where you are, Joan, and understand your feelings about losing your ex-husband. My children's father passed away after we were divorced so I have walked the road you are walking. I pray that God comforts you and carries you through this difficult time. Don't hate yourself for turning back to food instead of God; that's an attack of the evil one to make you feel even worse. God is waiting for you to come to Him so He can love you through this grieving period. You will get back on your feet because you are a winner, not a loser.

emoticon emoticon

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GABY1948 3/3/2013 7:46AM

    Joan, just saw this. You are NOT "the bad Joan". All you went through is definitely "normal" and will take time to pass but it shall pass...the Lord will help you if you seek Him and you already know that and stated it in your blog.

It is what it is...don't look back..only forward...to Him. I understand portions of this blog and am praying for your comfort and healing of your feelings. It will pass...HOW it will pass is up to you/us. God Bless you during this time. emoticon

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TATTER3 3/3/2013 7:32AM

    I was in a similar situation....it's been 30 years and I still think of him..and wonder how he is and if he ever found the Lord....
So sorry for your loss. And it is your loss. Prayers.

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CANADIANGIRL15 3/3/2013 7:19AM

    My heart goes out to you and know that I'm praying for you!

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ANATASHIKI 3/3/2013 4:52AM

    sorry to hear that but think he's in a better place now and you're not alone even if you're the last left on the face of the earth emoticon emoticon

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EDITOR 3/3/2013 3:07AM

    I decided to pray for what will be the grief process everyone must face one day, or has faced, when I read this last evening, Joan. There are more stages to yet embark upon, but I know that you are in Christ and He will lead you out of this valley. emoticon

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TAWANDA_IS_BACK 3/2/2013 10:54PM

    I can relate to the low feelings. I had a similar first marriage and breakup. I pray often that my ex will find Christ and allow Him to be Lord of his life as well. I pray that he will not pass before doing this. I know you are thankful for the good memories.....I try hard to remember those times as well. One bonus you have going for you is that 1 pound loss! Congrats!!! Keep that up and remember.....slow and steady won the race!
Big hugs!

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PATRICIA441 3/2/2013 9:41PM

  Was glad you remembered the good times with your ex. He will always be a part of your life even with his passing. Pray for him even now and also ask God for the strenght to get back on track. Forgive yourself for your splurge ,maybe write about it your feelings and then let it go! Let Go and Let God!! Will keep you in prayer!

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CINDYSDAY 3/2/2013 9:36PM

    This morning is over so don't beat yourself up! Memories are always good. But you have to not let them pull you backwards you are worth so much more! emoticon

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TWIDDLYDE 3/2/2013 8:50PM

    My heart goes out to you. But you are right in that tomorrow is a new day. Not only that but it is a new day fresh with God's steadfast love and mercy. I pray you are able by His grace and strength to let by-gones be by-gones! Press ahead for the prize. You did the right thing in blogging. Helps you to look at it for what it is!

You can overcome!

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DURANGOREDDOG 3/2/2013 8:35PM

    Gotta let those emotions flow and good for you for enjoying the food you ate. Remember when we fall down we just pick ourselves up and began again the next meal. Losing someone is a very difficult thing and you are right that God will help you through this May his Love Surround You. emoticon

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MSGRANNYMAE 3/2/2013 8:16PM

    I am praying for you, I hope you feel better soon. emoticon

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MILLYMOUSE1 3/2/2013 8:16PM

    My dear Joan, don't be hard on yourself, your body is going through very mixed emotions right now,it's a normal reaction. All relationships have good and bad moments and in death the good ones pop out. Give your self time, you are stong, you will get through this

emoticon emoticon

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SANDRALEET 3/2/2013 7:25PM

    You are grieving because you have to let go completely part of your past You are not bad just human Spring is almost here and we start a new page in our life Put on some good music lay down and remember the past Then give it to God and let go cry if you have to.He is with you

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FREES1 3/2/2013 7:04PM

    Be kind to yourself... its hard to lose someone even though that person is distant. Once the pain subsides you'll be able to enjoy the good memories and all in him that brought you together. You also have your team and other sp friends who will listen.
You are not bad Joan. . You're human
Sorry for your loss and your pain...

Comment edited on: 3/2/2013 7:05:56 PM

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LOOKINGUP2012 3/2/2013 6:54PM

    Sorry your day was shot out of the water! Bacon, eggs and hash browns sounds delicious. I think your choice was lovely. emoticon

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JOANIE69 3/2/2013 6:47PM

    I only have a moment to respond, but I read this all through. Not having divorced or lost a husband, I can't pretend to fell what you feel, Joanie. But I CAN relate to having a down time, a pity party, and to other losses. (cousins, parents, friends) I guess my overall opinion is not to be hard on yourself for being human and reacting in a perfectly human way. Remember that Jesus knows all about our frame, for He was likewise tempted and tried as we are, and He understands. No one else would blame you for what you did, so don't blame yourself either.

On another note, I could not help but chuckle when in the last line, (after noting that you did have a weight loss after all), that you mentioned the jujubes. I guess you still have your sense of humor. What a blessing you are!

BIG HUGS to a WONDERFUL Christian friend, emoticon
Joanie Too emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 3/2/2013 6:48:38 PM

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TEALHAWK 3/2/2013 6:40PM

  You can get through this and get back on track. Where
There is a Will, There is a way! Sorry about your loss
But take it to the LORD.

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