Saturday, March 02, 2013
I feel old. Rather, my body feels old, which makes me feel generally, old. I looked at myself in the mirror tonight and didn't really recognize what was presented before me. Awkward, staring into the eyes of someone you don't know well. All I know is that she is not quite at peace.
For better or worse, I tend to be a "fixer." It's something I'm working on - remembering that people don't necessarily need me to step in. Don't need to be fixed. But since I tend to do this, I thought, what would I say to this woman?
2013 has been rough on me. I was pregnant, but it was an ectopic pregnancy. We had one and a half days reveling in the news before things started going bad. It was a tough, tough month, and one I haven't nearly recovered from.
Last week, our house was broken into. My mom's & great aunt's jewelry and brother's bass were taken, and our glass door smashed into a million pieces. My back door is patched with plywood. And I am so, so, tired.
I haven't fully grieved, and I keep trying to but can't ever just let myself cry. I feel like I messed up - I should have prevented it. Maybe I could have.
So where do I go from here? I'm sitting in our studio/office, filled with files boxes, bins of fabric, projects galore, and the book, The Artist's Way. Maybe this is my clue to pick that book up, because I just can't seem to face the rest of the room. The stolen bass was in this room, and I have a mysterious empty spot on my desk that doesn't seem quite right. It totally could be but I just don't know. I don't really want to know.
But I have to tackle this room. I know it will help put things in some sort of order, help me plant my feet a bit more firmly.
The next day...
OK, it's daylight, and I'm back in this room. I just tracked my food - for the first week that I truly tracked and was careful what I ate, I'm doing pretty well! I'd like more exercise, but my body still freaks out a bit if I do very much. I'm realizing with low exercise, I need to be extra careful about my calorie intake (how much and where I'm getting it from). I'm hooping daily, which feels OK, although even that leads to some unwanted pinches and twinges. I'd like to swim or walk later - I'm going to make that happen.
It's nice not to feel overly full all the time, or overly sugared up. Even after just four days, my body feels stronger and healthier. My brother is taking my lead and is starting to work on his diet habits as well, and since we cook together this could be a very good thing.
Alright, I can feel the desire to procrastinate coming on, so I'm going to sign off and stare at this room a while until I figure out my first steps. My creativity and body-image seem to go hand-in-hand, so I'm looking forward to having my studio back to exercise that important part of me, to change my story and move on from this recent past.
Beautiful. Resilient. Inspirational.