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    FFUSCO   4,256
SparkPoints
4,000-5,499 SparkPoints
 
 
Gave a little, but took in a lot...

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Oh no. Not again. I am fresh off another calorie-crazed indulgence of the worst kind. I told myself I deserved it and even had a little script play out in my brain before the first of many bites of all the wrong things. It went something like this...

I donated blood today but had to wait quite a bit beforehand, as there were many fellow donors present. It was pleasant enough on the little bloodmobile bus. There I was with some good reading material; engaged in some friendly banter with the nurses. I even handled a work-related call with a fellow consultant ahead of Monday. Not a bad Saturday afternoon at the local bloodmobile. But the trouble began soon after the bloodletting ended. The only good news is that I know precisely what went wrong...

When I saw that there was an abundance of snacks, I grabbed two cookie packets instead of one, and then took some pretzels to go. I did feel a bit lightheaded, and thought that I was deserving enough. But it is the "I deserve it" feeling that somehow stayed with me in the car on the way home. Still feeling a bit lightheaded, and without a sun visor in my car, which inexplicably popped off a few weeks back, I said to myself: I need a break. I need food. I need something. And I deserve it. Enter, the diner...

Armed only with a book that has captured my interest, I proved no match for the fried treats that beckoned from the glossy pages of the old school, Jersey style diner menu. There was lots of everything. I decided on wings, seeing as I deserved them and all, and then waited and read. And then waited some more. And then, being down a pint of blood and all, I got really hungry. So I told the cute waitress that I also wanted a turkey triple decker, but with mayo on the side. I did at least opt for the wheat toast, but I ate about a third of the mayo and most of the sandwich, plus all the fries. The wings were awful but I ate all but two of those. And then, while on the way out, I saw a delightful little, I mean gargantuan, blueberry muffin all gift wrapped in the cellophane. I just had to take it home with me. That sucker lasted about a mile.

So, the short morale to this little slippery story is that I cannot partake in the language or thinking of "I deserve it" simply because, while I do deserve many things (gratitude, self love, etc.), I do not deserve the thousands of calories that come with meals like these. And I do not deserve to feel so awful physically after these indulgences. So, once I get the inner dialogue straightened out, I think I will be fine.

And for the record, I am not through giving blood. I am O-Negative, so all folks need me. As for me, I just need to self-monitor a little better and quiet these seemingly innocuous, but downright insidious, little voices inside that tell me it is ok to eat three meals worth of calories in one sitting, and that I deserve to overeat.

Thanks for indulging me in reading this long one all the way through. I feel better for having written it.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RONDLEW 3/4/2013 5:32PM

    So glad you wrote about this. It's good to sort through what happened. Keep pushing. You'll find a better way to deal with this next time. Maybe think through some scenarios in your head. You can do it!
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TATTER3 3/3/2013 7:15AM

    Thanks for donating....
Can you figure out what hit the trigger??? That happens to me sometimes and I still have to stop and try to weed through the 'I need this...I deserve this...I want this...I hate this' thinking that goes along with those choices. I live with a normal sized sister who has no clue that cooking for 5 people, eating for 1/2 person and then pushing me to eat the leftovers is NOT helpful. I join WW tomorrow night and will have to work around her habits...
Thanks for the honesty...makes me stop and think about what I deserve! Keep Sparkin'!!!

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PARKERB2 3/2/2013 4:02PM

    I am with you. Thanks for the blood from all you help that need it. Keep Sparking. One time or two doesn't undo all your have done.

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