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    AGAWRITER   13,685
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Unsettled


Friday, March 01, 2013

It seems to have been a perfectly good Friday, and yet I am finishing it up really uneasy. Went shopping and to lunch with a friend, drove children, got teenager to clean her room. Had a strange conversation with my daughter. She said that one of her friends said that everyone with cancer on TV spends all of their time crying, does your mother do that? Daughter replied: No, she mostly watches TV or parties with people. TV is too melodramatic.

And I just don't know.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
ALEXSGIRL1 3/3/2013 8:54AM

    i just found this blog sorry i missed it. I don't know anything about your disease how you are feeling coping etc i think it is a good idea to blog and let your feelings out more you can keep it private if you wish. you are going through a dark scary unknown time right now and your family is going with you. be as honest and open with them as you can . Don't hide or spare their feeelings they are smarter than you know. And the weird thing is you have cancer and one of us can die from falling tomorrow you just don't know. so we just need to live our lives as best we can with out being to hard on ourselves. That is the best medicine.

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EVWINGS 3/2/2013 11:41AM

    I must agree with all Bravelute said. Kids can be so surprisingly astute with their observations! Most of us forget that period of our lives when it was easier to tell the real from the phony, especially in entertainment.

As far as the emotions with cancer, so very much depends on attitude. I did so much better with everything once I came to gripes that "this is what journey has been given to me. I can't change it and I'll do much better trying to be as positive as possible. If people can't support me, that is their problem. I am me and this is what I must do to get through and I'm going to do the best I can to make it to the other side of treatment the very best way I can." I even got to the point in the second treatments when I lost my hair to finally go out with my head uncovered. It was already to start growing back, and I thought - this is me. If someone doesn't like how I look, they can turn their heads. Since my cancers came one right after the other, I went through all of this for a year and a half. Sometimes you just do what you have to in order to stay sane. I was very fortunate for all my family support, but i had no children for which to be concerned. But I was open and honest with everyone. I don't know how to be any different, especially on something so important.

I remember so well when the chemo had made me so ill and in the middle of the night I sat on the floor in the living room with a bucket. Between using that bucket and all of the tears from crying, my hubby came out and sat next to me and did what I like to call "holding my hair". He would ask what he could do. My stomach had settled a bit by then so I asked him to call my brother. He did and I told D I thought it was time to say my goodbyes. He responded I could do that, but suggested I wait a few hours to make sure everyone was home. Two wise men in my life. In a few hours I was feeling a lot better and knew it wasn't the time for goodbyes.

Do what you know you have to do. Try to let other things take care of themselves. Believe in yourself and your family and the journey you have been give. And of course you have all of us here on Spark to get your 6, so rant to us. We'll hear you and do our best for you.

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BRAVELUTE 3/1/2013 10:49PM

    Be proud of your daughter--she obviously knows that there's not much reality on TV, even on the reality shows.

I'm not sure what the "I just don't know." is referring to. Do you? You don't know if she has a clue what you are really going through? No one can, even if you give it a try to explain it to them.

You don't know if you should let the family see you in all the ups and downs you experience? I found out it was best in my situation to be honest. If I needed to cry or scream and holler, or laugh, or question, I did in front of whoever happened to be around. I was just myself and tried to be all the time. I guess I was lucky I didn't go to the extremes very often, but i didn't try to hide those times from my family. And they also stopped being so guarded, stopped trying to hide their unpleasant feelings from me.

The hardest part was looking ahead to a time when I might not be around. I printed a picture of each family member and close friend. I hand wrote a list of statements under each picture, starting each statement with "I remember when you (we) . . ." or

You are the one who . . . I put them in an envelope with my important papers. I made it through 2 rounds of cancer, 4 years of treatments, and when it looked like I was going to make it, I made a point to have one-on-one time with each one and gave them my letter. Very special time.

I'm going to make you a Spark Friend. If you'd like to "talk," stop by and leave a comment or send me a spark mail.

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