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Counting blessings ...

Friday, March 01, 2013

I have had many, many wonderful opportunities in my life. I have had experiences that were truly magical. I have had chances to go places and do things I will never, ever forget.

Some of the most amazing things I have had a chance to experience are pretty "ordinary" but to me they were - and are - fantastic.

That said, I am often overwhelmed with gratitude for it all. Now, the reason I am writing this, the reason I started this blog off by "counting blessings", is that this evening I had an intense bout of felling small, underneath a bunch of stuff, scared and miserably plagued by urges and cravings.

That last bit - the urges and cravings - were likely in direct response to feeling small, underneath and scared. I was feeling a terrible need for COMFORT and since I got back "on", trying to "detox" from "trigger foods" - well, since I did that, I removed a key "comfort" from my list of acceptable choices.

"Junk food" simply mustn't be a source of comfort any more! I don't want to go through the pain of shame and feeling so out of control and hooked. Not only do I feel "better" when I abstain from the trigger foods and eat sanely, I feel calmer, I manage feelings in general better and I feel more confident. Well, maybe not 100% but certainly a lot more than when I am "off" on a binge cycle. But even when I am feeling so much better, things can get rough and I hit the wall of stuff that's not okay in my life and it hurts and I think "I want COMFORT!!!" And that comfort cannot be those foods any more .. not if I want the peace of mind and calm that comes with abstinence. But I haven't quite managed to settle into all the non-food comforts.

I have been working on accepting that certain foods have left a permanent imprint on my brain and will always be triggers, setting off a cascade of intense cravings. A lot of other things can set that cascade off - some of them I have no control over. But I sure can manage to NOT put trigger foods in my mouth. It's hard to not see them in the grocery store and not see them on the TV and in magazines, etc., etc., etc. It is hard, and it is worth it.

Eventually, I will feel grateful for the addiction ... some days I do! Most days, however, I feel really small and underneath and scared cuz of the struggle I have fighting the urges.

Every time I read about eating "moderate" amounts of typical trigger foods, when I read or hear that "there are no forbidden foods" I gotta remind myself that FOR ME there are foods I CANNOT moderate, foods I must avoid entirely. I know this intellectually but I have certainly not accepted it fully.

I am very grateful for Spark People. I keep finding new resources here to use in this life-long effort to stay healthy and fit! I am very, very grateful for the Never Quit Pledge and all the wonderful brothers and sisters in the journey who blog and post. I have stuck with Spark People more than a year and a half, never missed a day of exercise, even if it was "only" ten minutes. I fit into size ten pants (and even one size eight pair)!!!

So, blessings aren't all sweet and magical - at least not at the moment they hit me. Those must be the "blessings in disguise", eh?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great blog this fits in with a challenge from the four season challenge where we write in journal things we are thankful for. most of mine have been positive things never thought of being thankful or grateful for knowing what foods trigger cravings then I stopped and said be thankful and learn that we can learn that these foods need to stay out of the house and if they come into the house we have the tools to deal with the issue and win the battle. thank you for the great blog and reminder we can be thankful for trigger foods since we have the tools to deal with the food issue. be thankful we have found the foods that are triggers and have developed tools to deal with them. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1778 days ago
  • MRSP90X
    emoticon I understand totally what you are talking about. I too just need to eliminate certain foods that trigger binges. I am focusing on foods (even "junk" foods that do not trigger binges, but provide psyc. relief from dieting that do not have me go spiraling out of control.. I too am grateful for Sparkpeople for the support and encouragement is awesome!!
    1780 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling and plagued by urges and cravings. We all know how that feels. Know that we are out here for you and maybe this can be your comfort instead of the foods you are missing. I hope to get to wear size ten pants again (and size eight is almost too amazing to believe). You have done so good. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are always reaching out to others and giving them encouragement and comfort...think of yourself as one of those people you help. Would that change what you say to yourself? Abstinence is a hard line to draw, but you know yourself better than anybody so I will not question your decision. Just know I will support you and try to help lift you when you are down. emoticon
    1781 days ago
    1782 days ago
    Thanks for being so open and honest in this blog. Our self images are fragile, and I really admire the way you're dealing with the need for comfort!
    1782 days ago
    emoticon a good blog...definitely some "food" for thought emoticon for posting
    1782 days ago
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