I feel completely defeated today.
Friday, March 01, 2013
On soo many different levels. I'm sure most of it's boiling down to the fact the hearing is on Wednesday but I'm falling apart.
Everything hangs so fragile in the balance of it all. Today I realized just how fragile it all is, and part of me wants to just throw in the towel. I know I am strong but there is only soo much one person can take. People say money can't buy happiness but it can sure cause unhappiness.
I'm at the end of my rope and I just don't know what to do, if I make the wrong move at this point then my future is screwed. So part of the requirements for my Navy enlistment is that I can't have anything in collections, I can't enlist if I've had a house foreclosed on, or anything repossesed, no bankruptcy and can't have accounts past 90 days.
I am taped out though. My mortgage was paid late last month, the water bill hasn't been getting paid on time. This month I'm $375 short on my mortgage, and unable to pay my car insurance. My roommates are not paying anything on time anymore. But I can't kick them out because I'm so heavily reliant on the rent money. I don't have money for gas, or food. If I pay one thing, it's at the expense of not paying another. I am soo scared that I'm going to come out of this hearing with full resposibility for the car and house. It's not fair that my marriage/divorce could potentially ruin my life while he gets away to start over.
It makes me feel soo stupid, and it makes me think back over every decision and figure out what the tipping point was. What could I have done differently that I could have prevented this situation. It's where I start yelling IT'S NOT FAIR! It's where I collapse on the ground and sob. I don't want help! That's the thing, there's no one that has the resources to help but I also don't want help. I wan't for him to take equal responsibility for the marriage.
I am running out of energy to keep my head above water and truth is that I'm drowning. I'm literally a bug pinned to a board at this point. I can't sell the house, or the car with out his permission or the divorce being over, I can't file my taxes until this is over. I don't have time for a 2nd job I have to be careful of selling anything in the house because if I sell too much they can add it to my income. I get that life isn't fair, but it's not fair that one person has the capability to ruin my life or determine it's fate.
I take full responsibility for my life, I'm not saying it's all someone's fault but I am NOT the only one to blame. I am not the only one that created this mess, Why should I be the only one to clean it up? I get that getting married at the age of 20 was dumb. I get it. I get that buying a house with him was dumb. I truly have got it. It will forever scar my view on marriage. No one understands the consequences of my decisions over the last 4 years better than I do.
I'm soo tired of ppl telling me, what I should or should not have done. It's done it's over can't do anything about it now and I very may well spend the next 5 years living with my parents while I clean up the mess that's been created. I'm full aware that the mess I participated in, could keep me from doing anything with my life. I don't want to hear that I'm over reacting because honestly I'm not. If my Navy recruitment get's screwed up, I don't have other options. I can't go back to school because I have maxed out my student loans, which means my tuition would have to be paid for out of pocket. I can't afford to pay for my tuition out of pocket because I have debt that needs to be paid off, which buries me even further because the fact that I'm not in school means I have to start making payments on my student loans.
I want to scream. I know I am strong. I know that I have made it through up until this point. But after everything that has happened how am I honestly to believe that everything truly will be ok. I'm sitting here counting pennies while he's taking week long vacations to where ever he wants to go.