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On a hamster wheel going nowhere...time to reevaluate

Friday, March 01, 2013

So remember a few posts ago I was lamenting about the scale? I got back on it this morning after a 2-3 week hiatus. I've gained 1.4 pounds. Not terrible, but not the direction I was going for. I also measured myself this morning and found I've gained a few inches since I last measured myself back in November. When it comes to some areas, I know that some of that is muscle due to all the recent bike and ST and that it's only temporary, but still, it does sting a bit to see that.

Look, this last ten just won't die. It's like a friggin' cockroach. After a nuclear blast, all that will be left are cockroaches and this ten pounds of fat mocking me on this planet. It just keeps coming back. This is the third attempt to push past it and onward. I'm sliding back a bit, and this has been the point after the last few attempts that I've said f*** it and I've disappeared. I can't do that this time. Third time's the charm, right?

When I first joined SP and got serious about this 2 1/2 years ago, it was for 3 reasons:

1) My OBGYN gave me some hardcore numbers concerning my insulin resistance, estrogen, and testosterone levels due to the PCOS. It was the whole "You're not even pre-diabetic yet, but if you keep going like this, you will be sooner rather than later." Plus the fact that I ended up losing both my appendix and gallbladder in less than a year.

2) I was in therapy and was finally to the point that I loved myself enough to know I was worth losing the weight for. I wasn't doing it to be happy. I was doing it because I knew it would boost my confidence even more.

3) I was a tomboy during my childhood and played at least two sports at a time until I hit college. Then it was a downward spiral. My low point, my "rock bottom" where enough was enough? I went on a hike and was terrified to go up and down the path because I felt clumsy on my feet. I did not feel confident enough to go down a tough path on my own because I was terrified I'd lose my balance and hurt myself. One hike involved some light rock climbing and I started crying because I didn't think I could get back up to the path. THAT, my friends, was THE moment.

The thing is, forty-something pounds later, I've taken care of most of these issues. While I still have PCOS and still follow a pre-diabetic diet, I'm starting to have more "typical" cycle issues like PMS (it's a good thing for me, promise). I don't know about my other health numbers, but I am getting a physical March 7th to figure that out.

I also have had a HUGE boost in self-confidence. For the first time in my life, I buy flattering clothes that aren't the extremely conservative, oversized things I used to wear. I have a nice set of heels that I can wear without too much fear of rolling an ankle. I had a former co-worker rave about how good I looked when I saw her the other day.

And as far as athleticism. I no longer have to use a walking stick when I hike. I went hiking at least 15-20 times last year and got up to 5 or 6 miles for some of them. I got up to the point where I could swim a mile. I can now bike 15 miles. I'm training for a triathlon. I managed to mostly run 2.72 miles last year. I amuse myself now by jogging across parking lots with cartfuls of groceries. Trust me, those moments I'm like, "Who AM I?" because old me? Would not have been jogging for any reason except to get away from a zombie. Or if there were cupcakes involved.

The problem is that the reasons I started losing weight for aren't enough to help me lose the rest of it. I've changed, my life has changed, and trying to use these old reasons is not enough to keep me motivated long-term. And I think a lot of us in the middle of our journey struggle with this.

So it's time to really think: What motivates me now?

1) My health. I know I am still at risk for some health issues due to the extra weight I still have on me. While I may not get down to 150 pounds, I would like to at least be in the overweight BMI category. I can handle an extra 20 pounds as opposed to an extra 50. I want to continue to decrease my PCOS symptoms and reduce my risk of pre-diabetes. I want to make sure that I don't develop high blood pressure or issues with my cholesterol. I want to make sure that current back pain from bad posture and lack of activity disappears. I want to keep my bones and muscles in as good of shape as possible for as long as I can.

2) Continued athleticism. I want to push myself to do more. I want to be able to accomplish a triathlon. I want to improve my swimming and biking endurance. I want to increase my balance, flexibility, and grace so I can dance with more confidence and not look like a lurching zombie. I want to get some muskles and be the lone girl on the free weights side of the building busting out deadlifts and even pull-ups.

So how am I going to work towards this? By not trying to focus on the scale.

Oh, I'm serious. For the month of March, the scale has officially went bye-bye. I will not weigh again until April 1. I also will not measure again until then. I'm going to go off how I feel and how my clothes fit. That's it.

Look, of course losing weight is still a goal. I want to be in something smaller than a 16/XL. I want to lose weight for my health. But if I keep focusing on the numbers, it's going to take away from the more important issue of living a healthy lifestyle. I'll end up cutting out healthy foods and go lower on calories than I should. I'll push myself to hard to work out and will get hurt. If I slip up I'll be more likely to throw in the towel if I think in the short-term like that.

So I'm focusing on health this month. I'm going to track food and workouts like I currently do and go by SP's recommendations. I'm going to attempt the low end of range during the week so I can bank a little for the weekends. I'm not setting a pounds lost goal. I'm just going to focus on challenging myself with increased workout intensity. I'm going to try to figure out how to cut a small amount of calories at every meal, whether it be losing half the bread on my sub or only eating half a slice of pizza instead of a whole slice.

This is a new challenge for me, and hopefully it works out well for me. Because the only way I'm going to keep from continually gaining this last ten pounds is to take the focus off of it and focus on living like this permanently instead.

If you've lost some weight and are stuck in the middle of where you want to be, take some time to think about it. Are your goals the same as they once were? Are YOU the same? Maybe it just takes a shift of priorities to get you back on the road.

March 1
Weight: 208.2
Waist -39.5
Hips - 47.5
Thigh - 29
Arm - 15.5
Calf - 17.5
Bust - 41.5
Chest - 36.5

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This is very timely for me. I've been kind of going the opposite direction - focusing on fitness, but possibly to my detriment, because I've been letting the intense focus I had on nutrition in December really slip. Not, like, eating with wild abandon or anything, but still. It's not really a SHOCK to me, exactly, that I'm not losing right this second. beh.

    I am cracking up at your 10 pounds and cockroaches being the last things on earth. heh heh heh.... NO WAY DUDE. You'll get them gone.
    1810 days ago
    Loved the "cat training" image!

    You are in a great place, no matter what the scale says... You spirit and your attitude are great and that is what will keep you motivated! You are doing an amazing job and you have transformed your body on the outside but also on the inside!

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    1813 days ago
  • KIMBERLY19732
    I totally understand what you're saying! You are always so encouraging to me--just press on girl, press on! emoticon
    1813 days ago
    I can relate to this SO SO much!! When I started this journey I wanted to get to Onederland, and on to 170. I wanted to be able to buy cute clothes that were smaller. I wanted to be happy with my body and I want to get a lower number for my A1c when I go back this September in hopes that I'm not in the prediabetic range. So while health was a concern, the other things really outweighed it at the time.

    I only wanted to exercise to lose weight, not because I wanted to exercise. And now I want to walk because I enjoy it, especially with the dog. I want to keep doing this because despite being 210ish pounds, I am more active than I was even at a lower weight in the past.

    It is EXACTLY what you said. The reasons we started this journey, while a lot of them I am sure are still there, aren't enough to push us through this journey that is going to take a lifetime. We kind of have to adjust our journeys accordingly and find motivation and sense of accomplishment in other forms.

    You are amazing, all these things you listed are outstanding, and I would venture to say you are more fit than many people that weigh less than you! Being active, feeling good and enjoying life is more important than the number on the scale, and I am glad that we are learning that. emoticon emoticon
    1813 days ago
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    1813 days ago
    Great analysis and great attitude! I'm a slave to numbers....I admit liking the scale numbers to go down, but I've also learned to look at all the other measures of success; looser fitting clothes, better body shape, muscles in arms, flatter belly.

    You're doing great....just keep at persistent and stay strong!
    1813 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2013 6:20:11 PM
    1813 days ago
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