Hello Dear SparkFriends,
Just 3 weeks ago, I was writing my happy blog about releasing 40 pounds and celebrating my 6-month SparkVersary, and bless your hearts, you are still logging in your loving and supportive comments on that blog, cheering me on. Oh, I am SO GRATEFUL for all of you!!
Without you, I would not have the courage to write THIS blog, today. But many years of recovery, counseling, and working through my past wounds - healing - has taught me that I must share the tough stuff, when I'm IN it, just as much as I need to share my successes and happy times.
When we share ALL of ourselves, we release that debilitating, paralyzing sense of isolation and uniqueness that keeps us in shame, sick, alone, and plunging slowly into that dark abyss. We reconnect, or we STAY connected, and though it can be agonizing to put the raw pains of our hearts and the torments of our minds on the blogpage...even though it can set our brow to sweating and our hand to shaking as our finger hovers over that "Post Blog Entry" button, it IS worth it to forge ahead through our fear and do so. More to the point, WE ARE WORTHY of this connection!!
We're only as sick as our secrets, I learned in 12-step groups. That means, when I do share my secrets, I take the first step to healing. When you respond to my sharing with your loving support, I take the second step in my healing. And when I begin to feel loved, worthy, connected, right-sized and more whole, I am really feeling the healing working :)
So here's what's going on with me: today is weigh-in day, and I'm hesitating to step on the scale. I weigh in every Friday, but I have not weighed in for 3 weeks. I haven't been tracking my food or exercise for 2-1/2 weeks. I know I've kept to healthy choices, for the most part, and have exercised every day (mostly walking, my usual choice), except for 3 of those days when I was ill.
What changed? I had a success, I reached a milestone. I released 40 pounds and have celebrated by 6-month SparkVersary. SparkFriends, my son, my husband, my support group, and others have commented and congratulated my on my downsizing :). I feel much lighter and better. I have less pain (I have fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease and arthritis), I'm more comfortable, my clothes are looser, stairs are easier, my knees don't hurt, I don't have heartburn and acid reflux ( a HUGE relief!!), and I have even been forgetting to take my cane on walks!! This is amazing, positive change in my life, change that I have begged, prayed, cried for - so what gives? Why am I resisting embracing this beautiful new "Me"?
Actually, this is NOT a new challenge for me. Rather, it is a cyclic pattern that has been present in my life since I was a child. Highest of Highs, Lowest of Lows. I build myself up, try so hard, work myself to the breaking point, and ACHIEVE! Then, I crash. I run from intimacy, connection, love, and I hide out in my misery. The dark clouds of depression and old shame come rolling in, and I slip into the abyss.
Then, when I can't STAND it one more second, I reach out for help, and the cycle begins again. Truth is, I don't know how to live on an even keel, accepting what IS, loving what I have and who I am and how my life is.
But here is the Spark of Hope: today, I WANT to learn that! I want to learn how to love myself, my life, exactly the way I am/it is, in this moment, and then keep on doing that. And, I BELIEVE I can achieve this - but only with your help, and only with my willingness - to keep coming back to SP and sharing ALL of me, reading your blogs, cheering YOU on, participating in our journey TOGETHER!!
This being overweight thing. I have finally realized that if I am to become my true self and release all of the extra weight, I need to THINK about it differently. I must discard the media, cultural, societal ideas about what this extra weight means. I AM NOT BAD because I am not at my natural weight. I am not defective, lazy, stupid, slow, or any other nasty connotation that society leads me to believe!
This extra weight, it came on an ounce, a pound at a time. It has an emotional and core belief source. It is connected and driven by old pain, wounds, and shame. It represents my struggle in life. And, it must be released by working backwards through the process that put it on. From wounding, I must now engage in healing. From negative input, I must now choose positive input. From coping the only way I knew how, I must now learn and apply healthier methods of coping and healing. And so on...
Just like with the gaining of pain and weight, there will be easier days, then harder days. My life is a continual flow of change. If I expect the lovely feelings of happiness to stay forever, or the horrible feelings of disappointment to stay AWAY for always, I set myself up for a fall. So I must learn that "This, too, Shall Pass," and that's just okay! I must be GENTLE with myself, HONOR myself, and when I forget how, I need to log in to SP and connect with you. Then, practice some small measure of loving self-care - take a walk, meditate, bubble-bath, nice music, journal, read, ask for a hug or a massage, play!!
I have already written long, and if you are still with me, reading along, thank you! It feels so good to get this out of my own head and heart.
When we share our pain, it is divided into small, manageable pieces.
When we share our joy, it is multiplied and we all benefit greatly. :-)
That is the magic of connecting with one another!
So, here I go - downstairs to the bathroom scale, chanting my favorite weigh-in day mantra: "FEEDBACK, NOT FAILURE, FEEDBACK NOT FAILURE."
Whatever the number, I will just log it in, and keep on going, making one choice at a time.
I love myself and this really is a WONDROUS JOURNEY. Without the sharing, with all of you, it would be flat, meaningless, and lonely. Thank you so very much for coloring my world and helping me find my way back to my natural, beautiful self! I love you!
Blessings Abound in Your Life,