I am a Shallow, Selfish, Fat mom!!!
Friday, March 01, 2013
At the end of 2011 I weighed 210 lbs
I lost 50 LBS between Oct 2011-June 2012, was at 160 and felt MARVELOUS!!
I was 15 lbs from my goal weight of 145 lbs!
My motivation for losing weight besides the obvious reason of being healthy, happy and to look good, was my 4yr old son..... I would NOT wear a swim suit in public at 210 lbs, the thought of people talking about me and snickering is a fear of mine! It's not a new fear by any means! I am now 40 and I can remember being in my teens and over weight, when I would pass beside people (especially guys) I would pass by with my head down, it was kind of like when I was a little kid and would think if I don;t see you than you can't see me...I know not even logical! If they were talking I would think they are talking about how fat I was, I guess I carried that with me my whole life pretty much!
When I started my Journey, I purchased a pair of size 10 board shorts and I said to myself when I fit into these I will take my son swimming! I fit in to them when I reached 160 lbs, but they were just a tad snug and they do up with velcro so they need to fit a little lose so they don't come undone when moving..... I knew just 10 more lbs and they would be a perfect fit!
THAN...November of last year (2012)...it started...the Christmas baking, the Christmas baking we were given as gifts, the chocolates that people grab at the last minute before coming over, the get together with friends and family..big suppers, no exercise it all added up....added up to 25+ lbs..I think 28 lbs actually, but I didn't write it down and I think I have now blocked that number from my mind.
DEVASTATED! That's what I was, knowing I not only let myself down, but my son down too. Of course he didn't know of my goal and what it meant if I reached it, but I knew!
I know that he is missing out on a great time playing in the water, that he is missing out on a physical activity that we could do in the winter when the weather is too cold to do anything outside. It makes me feel like a bad parent and really it makes me one too! I see over weight parents at the pool, at the beach etc ....they are obviously okay with the way they look or can at least say who cares what others think. I just can't do that and that makes me feel shallow, and selfish, yet it is my reality! (With that said, he starts soccer in May, it is a activity he can do and I can stay fully clothed....it's just he could do more and we could do more together if my weight didn't determine my life so much!)
So I restarted the middle of January...I didn't get an "actual" start again weight as I tend to let the scale determine my mood which can than determine my motivation! All I know is the Jeans that I purchased before I gained back the 25+ lbs fit a little lose at that time....when I gained back the 25+ lbs I couldn't fit into them and breath at the same time...today I am wearing them and I can breath! So I know there is progress....I am still not weighing myself though, I have decided to wait at least 30 days before stepping on the scale if I even do than. This is huge for me as I was one of those people that weighed myself 2x's a day, once in the morning and once before bed. I have the scale under the bathroom sink now..out of site out of mind! I decided to let the board shorts decide when I am at my goal weight...my goal after all is to fit into them! I did try them on yesterday...maybe I shouldn't have as it was pretty depressing! I was busting out of them....literally...the velcro went busting open, still a long way away from my goal! Instead of being in a sad, mad, give up mood yesterday because of it, I said to myself...YOU made yourself fat again...YOU fix it...just keep doing what your doing, you've done it before so you know it is possible!
I now see why people find it hard to maintain when they reach their goal weight. I was REALLY happy at 160....figured I did it and I could just go back to doing what I use to do...WRONG!!! I know this time I need to be proactive! When I get to that point again it will still take work and commitment, it really is a lifestyle change....one that needs to be done for life, or it just all comes back on way faster than it came off that's for sure!
I plan on taking my little man swimming still...not as soon as I hoped...not at the pool this winter like planned....but this summer at the beach! It doesn't make me feel any better as a parent knowing I am the reason he misses out on some things....but it does motivate me to make changes!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
This is a great blog . . . and I wish I'd read it before I responded to your "hellish" comment on my "What it Takes to Maintain" blog . . . I've now responded on the At Goal and Maintaining thread.
I'm sincerely sorry that my blog freaked you out. Truly truly truly: maintaining is something that many people seem to accomplish with more grace and less effort than me . . . NELLJONES is a terrific example, and 4A-HEALTHY-BMI too! You'll find your way, the way that works for you: yes you will.
Welcome to Spark, sister Canadian: and if I can be at all useful at any time, don't hesitate to be in touch. But: I don't have the "one and only magic path" going on here . . . not at all.
1595 days ago
Great post. I started working on my weight loss last year to be down 100 lbs by this year. I was on the right track and losing weight. Needless to say, summer came and so did weekends at the lake, drinking and eating all of the wrong things, no exercise, then came winter and the same thing, holiday baking and eating. I put all my weight back on.
I keep telling myself that if I did it once I can do it again. Well, I've lost weight plenty of times so I know what to do, I just need to focus on what to do when it is all gone again.
Good luck...you can make it happen.
1596 days ago
Yes - I have a son - it is possible for them to be inactive? I know it means a lot to you - I understand that. I also understand that you feel bad - because of how much it means to him and to you. Kids do absolutely love swimming - I can testify to that. All I really wanted you to walk away with from my message is that you are not a failure. Yes, you've made mistakes - yes, you want to take him and you feel bad about it. For every mistake you may make (we all do) there are a million ways you sacrifice for him and do your best to be a good mom. That does count!
Use it as a way to motivate you - to find yourself one day taking him to the pool - but try not to let your past mistakes keep you from going on. You are here for a reason - you are trying for a reason - and you will reach this goal - and some day you are going to post about taking him to the pool - just like you always wanted. It is in reach - and it will not be easy - but you can.
1601 days ago
So honest. It's hard to be kind to yourself when you feel like you are feeling. Ill be thinking of you...you can do it.
1602 days ago
Some people have mentioned doing other "non swimming" activities with my son...we do allot of other things, we hike all summer in the mountains, play soccer in the yard (he is on a team this year too) we walk the dogs daily a couple times, go to the playground etc ..today we are hunting dinosaurs down the back alleys since it is +4 today...we do ALLOT of things. But swimming is one of the things I want to do with him and another thing that can be done in the summer when there aren't allot of options because of the cold winter and I can't.....and I would really like too. My son is not inactive because of my weight, but I feel he is missing out on the water...which I know I loved as a child and would liek for him to enjoy it too!
1602 days ago
Keep your chin up - you lost it once and you will again. It's not easy - and we definitely have to make a permanent change to our relationship with food a activity - it is a change we need to keep the rest of our lives.
I know you can do it - just keep on reaching toward those goals. One goal you might want to set is to feel comfortable with who you are. Your son really would benefit from going to the pool as well. If you can't fit into that size 10 - would size 12 be too terrible - really? We are often harder on ourselves than anyone else would be. You have value - no matter what the scale says - and no matter what anyone else says. You really need to realize it. Losing weight may give you some confidence - but most of that is going to have to come from inside. There are plenty of people that lose weight but still struggle with the same feelings even though they lost the weight. Find a way to love who you are - for you have accomplished some amazing things - including being the mother of your son. Try to look at your strengths - look at what you have survived - look at what you have accomplished and say - hey, I'm not that bad. If you can do that - you will truly be sharing a special gift with your son. Even if he doesn't know all that you struggle with - even if he doesn't know how you feel about yourself - somehow deep inside he knows. Trust me, my mom was overweight most of my life (she still is) and while I was even skinny as a child - I always felt fat.
You are not selfish - you are human
You are not shallow - you are a person struggling with very real problems - you are trying to improve - you are trying to succeed.
Even if you are fat - I really hate that word with a passion, by the way - you are worthy of love - you are worthy of respect - you are worthy of feeling that your existence matters - and it does.
Here's hoping you all the success - we are rooting for you!
1602 days ago
Thank you for your honest post. Please don't feel bad about yourself as a mom. I am sure that you are a great mom and you are doing the best you can. Maybe instead of putting so much pressure on yourself to take your son swimming and have fun at the pool you can find other non-water activities that you can do together until you feel comfortable hitting the pool. I feel your pain and I know how difficult it is to get into a swim suit when you don't feel good about yourself. Last year my husband and I joined a really nice pool where all the women are skinny and most of them wear bikinis. I fretted for the first month and took my kids swimming in the evening when less people where there. But finally I just sucked it up and started going during the day - all 210 lbs of me in my skirted bottoms and tankini top. I felt awful about myself, but with 4 kids, I can't get away from not going to the pool in the summer. Sometimes you just have to do things for your kids. I know that getting my kids to the pool and having fun with them in the water is more important than how others feel about me in a bathing suit or how I feel about myself.
Just let it be your motivation - you will get back down to 160 and lower. Keep at it - you can do it!!!!!!!!!!! And stop feeling guilty!!
1602 days ago
It is ever so challenging and devestating to feel like you are so close to goal and then little things happen that slip you up and you end up back closer to where you started from then where you want to be. Don't give up and don't be so hard on yourself. Life like your weight lose journey, everyones journey, is full of ups and downs and each set back is a chance to learn something new to helps up more forward more successfully.
Be nice to the lady in the mirror
Be thankful for the body you have and have had as it has not failed you.
Be thankful for the little things
You'll get there and are worth it!!!
1602 days ago
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