Friday, March 01, 2013
At the end of 2011 I weighed 210 lbs
I lost 50 LBS between Oct 2011-June 2012, was at 160 and felt MARVELOUS!!
I was 15 lbs from my goal weight of 145 lbs!
My motivation for losing weight besides the obvious reason of being healthy, happy and to look good, was my 4yr old son..... I would NOT wear a swim suit in public at 210 lbs, the thought of people talking about me and snickering is a fear of mine! It's not a new fear by any means! I am now 40 and I can remember being in my teens and over weight, when I would pass beside people (especially guys) I would pass by with my head down, it was kind of like when I was a little kid and would think if I don;t see you than you can't see me...I know not even logical! If they were talking I would think they are talking about how fat I was, I guess I carried that with me my whole life pretty much!
When I started my Journey, I purchased a pair of size 10 board shorts and I said to myself when I fit into these I will take my son swimming! I fit in to them when I reached 160 lbs, but they were just a tad snug and they do up with velcro so they need to fit a little lose so they don't come undone when moving..... I knew just 10 more lbs and they would be a perfect fit!
THAN...November of last year (2012)...it started...the Christmas baking, the Christmas baking we were given as gifts, the chocolates that people grab at the last minute before coming over, the get together with friends and family..big suppers, no exercise it all added up....added up to 25+ lbs..I think 28 lbs actually, but I didn't write it down and I think I have now blocked that number from my mind.
DEVASTATED! That's what I was, knowing I not only let myself down, but my son down too. Of course he didn't know of my goal and what it meant if I reached it, but I knew!
I know that he is missing out on a great time playing in the water, that he is missing out on a physical activity that we could do in the winter when the weather is too cold to do anything outside. It makes me feel like a bad parent and really it makes me one too! I see over weight parents at the pool, at the beach etc ....they are obviously okay with the way they look or can at least say who cares what others think. I just can't do that and that makes me feel shallow, and selfish, yet it is my reality! (With that said, he starts soccer in May, it is a activity he can do and I can stay fully clothed....it's just he could do more and we could do more together if my weight didn't determine my life so much!)
So I restarted the middle of January...I didn't get an "actual" start again weight as I tend to let the scale determine my mood which can than determine my motivation! All I know is the Jeans that I purchased before I gained back the 25+ lbs fit a little lose at that time....when I gained back the 25+ lbs I couldn't fit into them and breath at the same time...today I am wearing them and I can breath! So I know there is progress....I am still not weighing myself though, I have decided to wait at least 30 days before stepping on the scale if I even do than. This is huge for me as I was one of those people that weighed myself 2x's a day, once in the morning and once before bed. I have the scale under the bathroom sink now..out of site out of mind! I decided to let the board shorts decide when I am at my goal weight...my goal after all is to fit into them! I did try them on yesterday...maybe I shouldn't have as it was pretty depressing! I was busting out of them....literally...the velcro went busting open, still a long way away from my goal! Instead of being in a sad, mad, give up mood yesterday because of it, I said to myself...YOU made yourself fat again...YOU fix it...just keep doing what your doing, you've done it before so you know it is possible!
I now see why people find it hard to maintain when they reach their goal weight. I was REALLY happy at 160....figured I did it and I could just go back to doing what I use to do...WRONG!!! I know this time I need to be proactive! When I get to that point again it will still take work and commitment, it really is a lifestyle change....one that needs to be done for life, or it just all comes back on way faster than it came off that's for sure!
I plan on taking my little man swimming still...not as soon as I hoped...not at the pool this winter like planned....but this summer at the beach! It doesn't make me feel any better as a parent knowing I am the reason he misses out on some things....but it does motivate me to make changes!