Friday, March 01, 2013
Today I was responding to FINDINGPHOENIX about a conversation we were having and this is what I wrote on her page . . .
"I don't know myself as anyone other than the big girl or chubby child that was expressive and outgoing DESPITE being fat. It was like I have always been great "for a fat girl" and not being heavy anymore has almost made the expectations of what I should be doing and accomplishing higher because I dont have the prejudice of weight holding me back anymore. And now that I dont have that crutch, I feel really, really vulnerable."
I didn't even realize what I was writing. She had bore her soul to me and in a moment of support for her, I stumbled on my truth. I figured out why I am stuttering just yards from the finish line. I came to the conclusion that being thin and healthy will make me mediocre (in my head). It will erase everything that was special about me from the time I was a toddler. When I was little and doing pageants, I was the chunky girl that all the judges loved because I had so much tenacity and attitude - almost like I didn't even know I was at a disadvantage because I wasn't tiny and supercute like the other contestants. I had spirit! My spirit and drive that I have developed and allowed to crescendo in my life is due to my need to prove that I can do what I want and be successful and do better than my competitor just to prove that fat people can do it. Now what do I have to prove? I no longer stand out. I am blending into the crowd and in doing so I am losing my spirit and spit fire that I have thrived on for nearly 30 years. The same attitude that won me fans and friends before, will make me to be the bitch at goal weight. That is crazy to me and intrinsicly I didn't even know that is why I have been sabotaging myself these past few weeks.
So now who do I become? I've never seen a healthy,athletic DIVA (except Celine Dion, maybe). Every DIVA I have known has been full figured and ferocious like I once was and wearing that title was a honor. It meant the world's perceptions of me didn't matter because I was FABULOUS anyway. Will my sense of fabulousness just come off as arrogance now? I don't know. I just know that as the weight comes off, things are changing and I am trying to grasp who the woman is under these pounds I am shedding.