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****my "AHA"moment****

Friday, March 01, 2013

Today I was responding to FINDINGPHOENIX about a conversation we were having and this is what I wrote on her page . . .

"I don't know myself as anyone other than the big girl or chubby child that was expressive and outgoing DESPITE being fat. It was like I have always been great "for a fat girl" and not being heavy anymore has almost made the expectations of what I should be doing and accomplishing higher because I dont have the prejudice of weight holding me back anymore. And now that I dont have that crutch, I feel really, really vulnerable."

I didn't even realize what I was writing. She had bore her soul to me and in a moment of support for her, I stumbled on my truth. I figured out why I am stuttering just yards from the finish line. I came to the conclusion that being thin and healthy will make me mediocre (in my head). It will erase everything that was special about me from the time I was a toddler. When I was little and doing pageants, I was the chunky girl that all the judges loved because I had so much tenacity and attitude - almost like I didn't even know I was at a disadvantage because I wasn't tiny and supercute like the other contestants. I had spirit! My spirit and drive that I have developed and allowed to crescendo in my life is due to my need to prove that I can do what I want and be successful and do better than my competitor just to prove that fat people can do it. Now what do I have to prove? I no longer stand out. I am blending into the crowd and in doing so I am losing my spirit and spit fire that I have thrived on for nearly 30 years. The same attitude that won me fans and friends before, will make me to be the bitch at goal weight. That is crazy to me and intrinsicly I didn't even know that is why I have been sabotaging myself these past few weeks.

So now who do I become? I've never seen a healthy,athletic DIVA (except Celine Dion, maybe). Every DIVA I have known has been full figured and ferocious like I once was and wearing that title was a honor. It meant the world's perceptions of me didn't matter because I was FABULOUS anyway. Will my sense of fabulousness just come off as arrogance now? I don't know. I just know that as the weight comes off, things are changing and I am trying to grasp who the woman is under these pounds I am shedding.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    People will be jealous, they might even say you are not as nice as when you were jolly. But your health and self-esteems comes first. They will ge used to the new you and piss on them if they don't like it. I know when you are young you are more privvy to what people say. I don't think I have cared for so long because I know I like me and I am a good person. So are you , so let the naysayers be ignored.
    1838 days ago
    You're awesome, fabulous and a sophisticated DIVA with great personality and even greater potential to be awesome! Sure you're coping with the new you, but what's in your heart did not lose weight but is gaining prospective. I'm sure you'll be okay you're just learning how to cope with the emerging you.
    1841 days ago
  • LEMON2012
    Jenny160 hit the nail on the head! You are in GREAT company! ;) I was always a healthy weight growing up (although at the time I didn't see it). That's partially why I know I gained weight and fighting for a re-emerge, appreciate, and take my life back. When the weight crept on, I saw it. I just thought it was ok and thought I was proving that self-love is not weight-dependant. And its not! I love the "big" me and what that body gave me. But I love the "healthy" me (and healthier day by day) for everything "this" me has been through and conquered. Thanks for the blog babe because your honesty rings so true and at the end of the day we self-sabotage out of fear. We must move from fear to fearless and know that we are not a #. The scale is a greatindication of how much my boday weighs but not my worth! emoticon
    1844 days ago
    I can totally relate to that. I also was always the big girl with the great personality and charisma and suddenly I am "normal" and I am afraid that I might not stand out anymore.
    However, your personality will stay and you are feeling much better now, aren´t you? So don´t worry!
    1847 days ago
    you will be great at any weight
    1847 days ago
  • SUGAR0814
    You will still be the fun loving, caring, beautiful, & smart person you are regardless of your size! If people have a problem with your weight loss, then that's their problem. Keep doing what you're doing! You are doing great! emoticon
    1847 days ago
  • DONNA5281
    Just because your size is changing doesn't make you a ........!
    You should be proud of yourself. You have accomplished so much.
    You are beautiful on the inside and the outside.
    You inspire me my friend. emoticon
    1847 days ago
    I have had those moments when I am typing and I didn't even realize what I have said until I go back and read what I had typed. I am so proud of you for being able to recognize everything isn't always about the scale. I think you will continue to SHINE because it is in your personality. You don't have to settle for meritocracy because that isn't you. Just be YOU...and if people think you're a B because of it THAT IS ON THEM. Don't let them make you feel that way.

    I know I say it all the time, but you sooo inspire me to keep pushing. You are my number one profile to go to when I need motivation or I am struggling and feel like giving up. I love ya girl!!!! emoticon
    1848 days ago
  • JENNY160
    Ok, the first thing that came to mind was, WHAT? not a DIVA? OMG, you are FABULOUS, not to mention INSPIRATIONAL, and MOTIVATIONAL, and SWEET as PIE (and I'm not talking the sugar-free variety, girlie, you are the real deal)! So anyone who perceives your confidence as arrogance probably has their own self-esteem issues to deal with, so don't sweat it.

    As for losing DIVA status as your weight declines, um, weight has nada to do with THAT. Whitney Huston, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Cher, Madonna, Janet Jackson, Diana Ross, Rhianna, Lady Gaga etc... It seems as if the current DIVAs have healthy/fit bods, so you are in good company! What bothers me is the way the press and public handle weight CHANGES, though. Jennifer Hudson loses weight and gets tons of favorable opinion whereas Christina Aguilera gains weight and gets suh-LAMMED. When did we lose sight that talent is talent no matter the package? Or kindness, or spirit, or intelligence, or diva-esquedness?

    "I no longer stand out." Oh, yeah, you DO. You are a hottie. And you're funny. And you're kind. You *definitely* stand out.

    "The same attitude that won me fans and friends before, will make me to be the bitch at goal weight." If your attitude won friends and fans, I doubt it would be perceived as bitchy at a lower weight. I have known heavy people with attitude that I chose not to hang with because their "jokes" were mean-spirited. But then there are those I have hung out with who were funny, sarcastic, etc., but not mean-spirited, and I think they would be just as funny, etc., after losing weight.

    So on the inside, you are who you are is who you are. Ain't nuthin gonna change THAT.

    1848 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2013 3:10:57 PM
  • MISSB8604
    I’ll NEVER stop saying this:
    Weight loss is SO MUCH MORE than a dang scale, and I am beyond grateful for that. It changes your entire mindset, leaves you vulnerable and bare. But man, is it worth it.

    1848 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2013 2:47:16 PM
    Honestly? I have ferociously attached myself to the image of Jesus Christ in this weight loss process. The attention I have been getting started to get really overwhelming. At 6 feet tall , I had attention already, and now, it's intensity is really beginning to bother me. I was asked to model for the GAP in my teenage years and I turned that down, amongst several offers. I could not deal with it then, and not now either. I need Christ. He centers me in this unveiling process and keeps me centered

    Thank you so much for this. I think for a lot of us, you helped us more than you know. emoticon you are so beautiful!!
    1848 days ago
  • DAVIS_6311
    I am right there with ya girl!! I have always been the loud, funny FAT girl...and as I'm shrinking I'm not sure how people perceive me now. I don't worry too much about it though because I know fat or skinny I will ALWAYS be ME! And so will you! You are AMAZING! In my times of struggle I would come on Spark just to read your blog. You are doing great and have THE best personality so go 'head girl and be FEROCIOUS! emoticon emoticon
    1848 days ago
  • BLONDIE218145
    I don't really want people around me thinking my outer beauty is who I am. Love me for me, like my hubs does!
    1848 days ago
    Your fat was not your fabulousness. It may have help cultivate it but I truly believe that you are probably every bit just as tenacious as a skinny chic than when you were heavier.
    You are right, you no longer have the prejudice of fat holding you back or your crutch but that is WAY AWESOME! You are taking off the training wheels and experiencing your life the way you were originally meant to.
    I don't think God created our bodies to be unhealthy and overweight. Most often we do that to ourselves. Now that you are getting fit you are getting closer and closer to who you were created to be. It is a scary thought that you are reaching your full potential. I say scary but what I truly mean is exillerating. I think sometimes the most exciting events in our life can be so awesome that it's scary.
    Ride this wave, girlfriend! You are on your way to being a slender healhty DIVA!

    Tiny Disclaimer: I know you wonder if some people will perceive your fabulousness as arrogance. Unfortunatly, some will. But only the haters. And as we all know, "Haters can be motivators" So, just brush them off and you keep being you! *hugs*
    1848 days ago

    Comment edited on: 3/1/2013 1:04:51 PM
    Your size won't change the fact that you are a diva. Just look at J-Hud. She can STILL knock out a room with her presence and voice and she's basically a stick right now. I understand what you mean about your personality/size relationship though. My BF joked that of course the HR rep remembered me, I'm a hot chick. I was like... um, babe... hopefully he remembered that I was personable and really smart. His view of me is something I am not used to understanding about my new self. Going from "oh you could be a model if you lost weight" to a pretty "normal" girl is weird for me...
    1848 days ago
    You will be fabulous no matter your size. It's your spirit and personality people love! Just because the number on the scale goes down doesn't mean your fire has to go down with it. Don't bring yourself down by those negative thoughts of what you "think" people might be saying. We are always more critical of ourself then what others are actually saying. I fall into that trap more then I'd like. I end up sabotaging my own progress because I feel like people might not like me if I change. I imagine what they must be thinking, and usually I'm wrong.

    1848 days ago
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