Friday, March 01, 2013
As I read my last blog from September, I feel as though a lifetime has been lived since those days. It has been a whirlwind of changes. I left my job to work at a yoga retreat center in hopes of a stable environment, to eventually make a home in the Berkshires, to have rewarding work and also the opportunity to practice yoga and yogadance to my heart's content. What a dream right? It was the perfect transition position for me on my road to eventually owning my own business as I paid down my debt.
Well, what looked good on paper didn't exactly pan out. Not at all. Within three weeks, they fired, that's right fired and walked out the building the wonderful boss who made it possible for me to leave at the end of the day with no worries and take my yoga classes. The reason? Insubordination??? Another word for politics. I was spiraled into seeing that this community was founded not in the ideals I expected but in the same politics I found at the financial investment firm and I was no more stable here than there. What a disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely ignorant to there being problems at this place and I knew it was not utopia. However, really? I didn't think it was THAT bad.
The following four months turned into 50-60, if not more, work hours a week sitting in a little closet with a window that overlooked insulation and not the outdoors. Dark with horrible air quality. Doing the same thing week after week on a deadline with pressure. Considering the circumstance, I was able to use all the strength of character I had in hopes that my yogic discipline of integrity might at least be an example of good behavior. But alas, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Nor can you expect that even if you do not get involved in others issues, that their issues won't involve themselves with you.
Well, needless to say, after a few last straws, I can say had the strength to say this is an unacceptable environment for me. I gave my notice and EVEN gave them a month and half, trained the new girl ONLY to be treated so incredibly rude at the end. I'm still a bit dumbfounded about it. Yet another place in my life where I feel I gave so much compassion to not have it returned. It is a sharp realization.
I am proud that I left sooner rather than later because in past years I would stay so much longer letting myself be beaten. Though, I can't help but ask the question "where did I go wrong in even letting myself be in the situation to begin with?" Note that I do not say - what's wrong with me. That's a great step in the right direction because in the past I would internalize this and feel the whole thing is my fault which I absolutely know it is not.
So here I am. I am back home and Boston and never been happier to call this my home. I won't ever say that I didn't try to live in the Berkshires or to have this experience. I won't have regret. But, after living at a yoga retreat center for 4.5 months, it is unfortunate that I did less yoga than I have ever done in my life and I return to Boston out of shape and back in a size 16.
As Ben Affleck said at the Oscars, "it's how you get back up" and so I'm getting back up today. Despite my long absence from SparkPeople, I ask for encouragement today. Somehow, I will find a way to optimal health and lifestyle. I deserve no less and I am willing to do the work necessary.
I hope this blog finds you well and also "getting back up" on a daily basis forever because that's what I have decided to do.