I have not blogged as much as I would've liked to lately and when I have it hasn't necessarily been as sparkpeople related either. I know that is in part due to two reasons: 1- we have money in the bank and so daughter and I are out of the house more, which can be good and bad (makes the day go by faster but I end up buying junk) and 2- I am not doing very well in food and exercise land and so I am AVOIDING it, which cannot last forever before my guilt just gets the best of me.
It all started when I decided to use some of my tax refund to get a new pair of jeans. I've been needing them for awhile since there is only so much sewing one can do to make a pair of OLD jeans stay together. However, even with a nice gift card from my mom to Lane Bryant I always felt like i needed to hold off on the jeans because we'd have to budget in buffer money in case the gift card wasn't enough. And sometimes that was the difference between a tank of gas or something more important than jeans.
In fact, one attempt at me buying jeans before just lead to a TOTAL anxiety meltdown that my husband and daughter had to witness when I realized the jeans were 49.99 and my gift card of 50.00 was not going to cut it without leaving us completely broke. Not to mention, just LOOKING at the jeans in the clearance section that were my size they were so unflattering I just, lost it. Stormed out to the car and cried my eyes out with thoughts of years and years of hating shopping for clothes and financial woes.
So with the tax refund I told my husband I was getting jeans and that I was almost even a little excited because I might be down a size. My heart was racing as I entered the store and I was even breaking into a cold sweat, but I calmed down by telling myself there was no way I could drain our bank account with the tax refund buffer on one trip, the sales ladies were there to help me (one good thing about Lane Bryant, they wear plus sizes too when they work there) and I DESERVED good clothes that didnt require patch jobs that embarrassed me.
So I got measured for a new bra. I haven't had my lovely ladies supported in a LOOOOOONG time (been in nursing bras since 2011 and oddly enough didnt even nurse my daughter). I was downhearted to see I am big around (always have been) and so an extender was necessary. But, I didnt let that stop me too much because I had some extenders at home left over from my wedding and well, a good bra with support was worth the extra extender.
Then came the jeans. I swear to GOD every time I go to Lane Bryant they change their damned jean system on me. First it was based on what the legs looked like (flare, boot cut, etc.) Then to totally make things easier it was colors and shapes, and now I had entered between the shapes system, which was on the way out, and the NEW system which was centered around skinny jeans.
Now I ask you, what plus sized lady...shopping at a plus size store, wants 4 different types of SKINNY JEANS? I do not want to look like a sausage casing from the waist down thank you very much! In fact the sales lady actually told me, "people got sick of the jeans stretching too much so these are tighter and more denim, less stretch"
Uh HELLO, the stretch is what enabled it to FIT our plus sizes legs!
So, they didnt have my old reliable shape. I asked the sales lady "If I see red triangles still, where are the blue circles? I am a blue circle." She said blue circles, i.e. wide in the hips were OUT and the red triangles were on their way out too.
I settled for a red triangle, clinging to the old system that is not based on sausage casings, and remembered instantly why I hated them. it was exactly what the sales lady said, NOT wide in the hips and I am ALL HIPS and THIGHS.
I've been told that my pear shape actually causes me to look less heavier than I am, but not from the waist down (where I've always had insecurities), once you hit my thighs it is cellulite central balanced on two incredibly strong, but never shrinking calves. I hate the way my fat is located around my knees. And I know some of it is genetics because I recognize the same shape on my baby girl- and I KNOW she is not overweight. It's just the way the women on my biological dad's family look, but I never grew up around them, so I always felt odd.
So, while fighting with the wrong shape in a dying system anyway, I kept telling myself "store jeans are stiff, hard to stretch anyway, this is not all you" but it wasn't helping. And the anxiety producing sweat I was pouring out didn't help either.
So, even with the inches I've lost, the size 24s would not come over my thighs, and the 26s fit but were too tight, so I ended up going up a pant size despite losing inches to find something loose in the hips (noticeable gap in the behind) but able to fit over my thunder thighs. Very depressing. I KNOW I would've dropped a size- if only the style and fabric would COOPERATE! And of course buying the biggest size in a plus size store was just embarrassing beyond embarrassing. The sales ladies asking me every so often "finding the right size hun? Were those jeans okay?" I just wanted to scream- NO THEY ARE NOT, I WAS DOWN TO A 24 DAMMIT! AND I HATE MY LEGS!!
Now I remember why I had a "fat dress" trend in my life for awhile there.
To top it off, the style of shirts these days are not flowing "cover the flab" like they used to be. Oh no, they are frill frill, lace, lace and then BAM! A HUGE FAT BAND OF ELASTIC right at my belly button! NOT flattering at all! why emphasize that my fat hangs over my ill fitting jeans with a band of elastic?! I must've tried on 2-3 shirts of pretty color and fabric and they fit fine until I pulled it down and then it sucked itself to my gut like a leech.
I don't get fashion. This is why I don't go shopping. So I got the jeans in the unfair size, the bra which soon reminded me why I don't wear good bras (underwire of doom) and some cute underwear. I will just have to live with my lame mommy t-shirts. At least they are baggy and comfortable just the way I like them.
That depressing trip made me realize I need to GET BACK TO IT.
I did a 5 min Zumba Wii routine. They said I was a "Zumba Pro" under my score. I think they are just being nice because I made it through the routine. You dance with the Wiimote in your hand and if they think you are doing it right your instructor on the screen turns from yellow to green. A green image means they will extend the time by 2 mins, then another 2 mins, then another...etc. So it kept going for me, and I am sure I wasn't doing half the dance steps right but I was sweating! So I am anxious to try again even after that 5 mins left me dizzy and my throat burning (still sick ugh).
On a happier note, I told my stepdad, who has almost ALWAYS been Mr. Fit (lost 80 pounds in a very short time, rides his bike for 100s of miles at a time) about ordering the FitBit and Zumba. He always supports me and my inches lost and being a member of Sparkpeople where my goals are public and I am being held accountable.
He listened to my efforts going on and on and on and then interupted me and said "ya know, people always asked me what I was doing when I lost those 80lbs and I just told them I moved more and ate less...you could just walk more sweetie"
That made me smile. If only we all took that advice.
"Just walk more!"