Wednesday, February 27, 2013
So tonight was our second visit to our somewhat local gym (25 min drive, each way!). I have been looking forward to returning since we left on Monday. I have plans for what I want to do there on Friday night and Saturday. So many options, so many possibilities. AND it is different this time. It is about ME. Not what should be done, what looks good, what my family wants...'if no one else went to the gym, I'd be there,' kind of commitment. Which leads me to a very, VERY important question.
Why the inner fear and insecurity?
Hopped on a machine and thought the girl (it is a college campus) was snickering at me. I turned it around within minutes- poor kid was probably at a tough point of her work out and either grimacing, grunting, or just breathing hard. But at the time, it felt very real. For a moment I felt rejected.
As I completed 14 minutes on the Elliptical, one minute longer than Monday, I thought "wow, I went a minute longer. Too bad it was ONLY 14 minutes." Yep, took away the praise and replaced with criticism. Dejected- it was not good enough.
I hopped on the cycle and completed 12 minutes (one less than Monday). My son climbed on the bike next to me and in true teen athlete fashion, proceeded to blow me out of the water. He was bragging up how much faster he was going, how he wanted to see how hard he could get his heart pumping, etc. I said "good. You beat a 44 yo morbidly obese lady." He took it as a joke and it was meant to be one. But it was there- the regret that I blew away my youth being fat and shy.
Embarrassment, feeling rejected, dejected, and regretful- all these emotions have the POTENTIAL to rob me of my health. If I ignore it. If I eat it away. If I stop placing myself in situations where I am unfamiliar or uncomfortable.
What is keeping me hopeful is something I came across on sparkpeople somewhere. A person related how they went to a gym and kept at it. A gym regular noticed the morbidly obese person and judged the person. The gym person shared that eventually the focus was off the person's weight and what led to the obesity and placed on the person's dedication and perseverance.
I want to be that person.