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    TBSAGE   2,093
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It just clicked...

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Day One.

This is the beginning of my weight loss journey. Like every other diet I've started and failed, the words "weight loss journey" seem hollow and meaningless. I've lost a hundred pounds before just to blindly march right back up the scale to my full hefty glory. My husband no longer believes in my commitment to lose weight. He takes my failure to do so as a mark that I don't respect or care for his desires. Of course, my lack of weight loss has nothing to do with my feelings about my husband. Moreover, today's new beginning has nothing to do with my weight loss failures in the past. We can't really start each day with a new slate, but we can give ourselves permission to move forward instead of whirling in a circular tidal pool indefinitely. Today, I'm moving forward.

I've had reasons to lose weight in the past: to gain confidence, keep the spouse interested, be healthy, etc. However, I feel like those goals were just to abstract for me. After all, I'm fairly confident in every other endeavor in my life, my spouse should love me despite my human failings, and what exactly is the finish line to 'being healthy'?

My reasons today are clearer:

First, I had my first child in September 2012. It was a rough pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes, and I herniated two discs in my back, which landed me on long term disability. I need to lose weight and gain flexibility to be able to live normally. There's no better motivation that seeing your mobility influenced.

Second, I love being a parent, and I would like to put myself in a place where I would feel physically comfortable getting pregnant again. That means getting to a healthy weight and having a decent flexibility. I really had no idea how important flexibility was going to be when it came to being pregnant.

Third, I love my family. My son brings so much joy to my life, and I want to make sure that I can return the favor with my time, ability, and energy. I also feel like I owe it to my son to work hard at my marriage. My weight makes my husband unhappy. There are things about my husband that can make me unhappy, too. I'm going to commit to getting my weight under control to strengthen the bond between my husband and myself. Who knows... perhaps in doing so, I'll motivate him to tackle his own shortcomings.

To reach these long term outcomes, I've got my daily agenda:

- Eat no more than 30g of carbs
- Get at least 80g of protein
- Drink 8 glasses of water
- Exercise for no less than 30 minutes

Best,
Tiffany




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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DAVIS_6311 2/27/2013 3:46PM

    YAY TIFFANY!!! WE are all here to help and support you!! The journey is certainly hard as you already know from losing 100 pounds but SparkPeople is VERY helpful! Good luck lady!!

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UWPALUM 2/27/2013 3:41PM

    Welcome! I don't know much about pregnancy since I have not had any kids, but I have struggled with a herniated L5 disc and chronic back pain for more than 10 years. I understand. I have also lost weight before and gained it back, but spark people and the friends I have made here are making the biggest difference! And I make myself blog every day, which keeps me on track. Sometimes I miss a Saturday or something, but usually I look forward to sharing my feelings, my triumphs, my failures and my progress! Welcome to the team!

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TBSAGE 2/27/2013 3:16PM

    Thanks JASTECT. I've been so busy being a new mom, I forgot how much I love writing. I think I will add as a goal to add to my blog daily. It's a good way to stay motivated with my weight loss goals and do something for myself.

Ah yes, the lack of support. This is why my weight issue has become a source of routine strife in my marriage, which is admittedly in a strained spot at the moment. My husband feels wounded that I haven't lost the weight before now. He sees it as a sign that I don't care about him. I see his lack of support, understanding, and unconditional love as a sign that he doesn't care about me. What I've come to understand recently is that both modes of thinking are myopic. My husband cares about me, but he's got preferences. I have needs, but my husband can only interpret the future based on past actions. We're all losers when we consider only our own feelings or only the feelings of our spouse.

I don't know how things will pan out for us in the long run. However, I am making a better commitment to my family now. I want to know that I tried everything reasonable to make things work. My newborn son desires my efforts.

Also, thanks LITTLETEALOVER, I look forward to gleaning support from Sparkpeople! Part of the disconnect with my husband is that he's never had a weight issue. I need to get support from those that understand the complexities of weight issues. Thanks for adding me as a friend!

Best,
Tiffany

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JASTECT 2/27/2013 2:59PM

    Tiffany,

Beautifully written. Life is complicated and the universe never seems to align when we need it. The motivation is difficult to come by, especially when it's for the umpteenth time.

I can understand the lack of support from a spouse. My ex told me when he met me that he usually liked more curves than I had, but when I got the curves, he rejected me. My new husband worries about me losing my curves which have gotten much bigger.

I think the key is to find the motivation from within and let the spouse see your confidence grow. We can't do this to please our spouse. When we feel good about ourselves, we look good, and they see the confidence.

Good luck to you! emoticon

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LITTLETEALOVER 2/27/2013 2:50PM

    Welcome to Sparkpeople!

Losing weight is not easy, but it is definitely easier when you have support. Sparkers are FABULOUS at providing support. You have to do the hard work, but we will be there with you every step of the way.

I truly wish you the best, and I'll add you as a sparkfriend.
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