Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Yesterday the power went out at the office so I took the computer home and worked from there. It was great, because I had the whole house to myself and I had my cat and dog to keep me company. It was amazing. I was considering talking to my boss about letting me work from home more often.
Until I started going back and forth to the fridge for a nibble. I realized pretty soon that I am not ready yet to be left alone at home when there are sugary things in the fridge. My husband Jurgens had a can of condensed milk that he takes a tiny sip from every day and it takes him about a month to finish it. Such self control. I thought I'd also take a sip, and then later on another one. That's all I remember. Jurgens was shocked that I somehow managed to drink half the can of condensed milk, and so was I! I really thought I'd taken two moderate sips. I think I switch off some part of my brain when I go sugar crazy. I was really embarrassed. Plus, I think that was about 700 calories. Ouch.
And then Jurgens and I had a long long talk about my problems with sugar and eating in moderation. I am responsible for my own choices and no one has made me overweight but myself, but it was a relief to talk about my parents influence.
My father grew up on the streets of Poland and he didn't have food most of the time. He's been making up for it by overfeeding his children for the last 30 years.
My mother has other childhood issues I can't even begin to understand, and she (unintentionally) has made me feel bad about my weight for as long as I can remember. The fact that she sent me to a dietitian when I was 10 and not even overweight at all, and always monitored me so closely has made me into a secret eater. I have three brothers and three sisters, and all my sisters are about the same size and weight as me. But I always felt singled out as the one that we all need to focus on when it comes to weight. And that has made me a champion of eating sneakily. I told Jurgens about all my secret eating tactics I've been using during our marriage and he was just listening to me with his mouth open in surprise.
My parents are amazing people and I love them lots, but when it comes to food there are some things I wish they'd done differently.
It felt great to talk to Jurgens about it. I'm not a huge talker, especially when it comes to feelings, so I think he liked me opening up to him. And he said he wants to do whatever he can to support me. So he's leaving his sweets and condensed milk at his office until I have a bit more self control. You know what I love about him? He just thinks I'm so amazingly beautiful, he doesn't notice whether I'm 90kg of 65kg. But he does want me to be as healthy as I can, especially now we're trying to start a family. I don't want to pass on to my children any issues about food that I have, so it's important that I set my relationship with food right.
To make up for the calorie overdose I'm going to stay at the lower end of my calorie range the rest of the week.
I'm also going to try out a new approach for breakfasts and lunches. I'm going to make cards with breakfast, lunch and snack ideas on them with the recipes on the back. Then I'll stick the cards on a whiteboard in the kitchen to show me what the food plan is for the whole week. I can't give myself leave to look through the cupboards at lunch time, it's asking for trouble.
This is usually the part where I give up. But this time I'm not ready to give up. I'm noticing too many positive changes to stop now. So instead of giving up I'm going to give it my all.