"I'm a big fat cow"
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
That moment - when you walk by the mirror and see yourself. And you gasp, Did I leave the house looking like this? Have I morphed into an unknown version of myself in the past couple of hours? And the guilt hits, and the sadness, and the frustrations... Things that were pushed back as you went along your day... And now, all you can do is see yourself, and every flaw, every pudge, every "mess" you've made.
It's so easy to wallow in this.. I find myself doing it all the time. I want to blame anything, anyone other than myself. I want cry and scream "This isn't fair!!!" And maybe it isn't. But at the same time... If I don't take responsibility, if I don't do SOMETHING... then what?
What's more horrible than being fat? Losing down and being SO proud, and then gaining back most of it. It's hangs over me, like a sign "loser" or maybe.. "gainer." I don't like to hang photos of me now, not when I have photos there from when I was thin, just a couple of years ago. I'm not sure how to move past this, to forgive, to let go. Of course, I can make excuses, but did I really forgive myself? Do I still self-sabotage, afraid of yet another failure?
I know there is no "perfect." I know it won't be easy. But still I put an insurmountable amount of pressure on myself. To be that... perfect. And when I fall, I fall a long. way. down.
But still I continue... I tarry on. No matter how far I fall, I refuse to just give up. Even when I don't want to see the results, I weigh in. I track, I try.