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Some Serious Thoughts

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

when i was about 18 I went from 165 to 137 lbs, healthily with a lot of hard work and determination. My goal weight at the time was about 125. The thing about that was I was actually getting really skinny, but my mind had no idea.
At the time i posted this picture on FB with the caption "Fatty" underneath it, because i really did not see how skinny i got only my imperfections.

My doctor even told me i needed to stop losing weight, and in my head i thought she was crazy. I remember thinking 'haha yeah right, i still have a long way to go'. I still saw all the fat on my body, all the love handles, all the thunder thighs, I was not seeing what was really in the mirror.
Looking back, I definitely see how skinny i got and wonder why i couldn't see it then.

I would kill to be that size again! Now i'm a little concerned if maybe i was anorexic (certainly had the mindset of one i believe) and i'm even more concerned that might happen again this second go around. I've told a couple of friends this story and asked for their help if they see any signs of me not noticing my weight loss. I'm not even sure what signs i should be looking out for since at the time i truly, honestly believed i was not skinny and i really had a long way to go, so as of now i just remind myself 'oh look you lost some weight, oh look your belly is slimming down, hey look your muscles are toning up', because i definitely wouldn't want to go back to that dangerous mind set again. How does one even know if they've gone off the deep end anyway, if they're already gone? What if this happens again and my friends even tell me I need to stop losing weight but i don't believe them, or think they're just trying to sabotage me (exactly what i had thought about my doctor xp)? It's kind of scary to think about since i was there before. I just want to be healthy and fit, mind, body, and spirit.
I have come to accept who i am today, my weight mainly, so here's a picture of who i am today:

And here's to a better tomorrow.
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RADIATESPIRIT 3/2/2013 9:00AM

    emoticon I do the same thing, looked at pics from my honeymoon and thought I was chunky back then...uh, nah haha. Working to get back there! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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2BMYOWN 2/26/2013 8:09PM

    I think it's difficult for all of us to see ourselves as we really are. It's amazing how our own minds can delude us, but they sometimes do just that. I had the opposite problem that you did....I actually did not 'see' when I was gaining the weight and even now when I lose it, my mind 'sees' me as skinnier than I actually am, if that makes any sense. Odd, isn't it? I don't know how tall you are but if I were you, I would just shoot for the weight that is best for your height and make that your goal and accept that you are at a healthy weight when you reach it and not try to keep on going to something smaller. And definitely, if one of your friends notices that you are falling back into that mindset, please listen to them and realize that they are not saying anything to sabotage you but only saying something because they care. We live in a culture (sadly) that is always making judgment calls about our weight, our color, our ethnicity, our lifestyle, and on and on and on, but to listen to any of it, or to try to fit yourself into the 'box' that society wants to put us all in is nothing but self-defeating, and too many young people fall into that trap for so many reasons. It's no wonder so many young people fall into eating disorders, when they're constantly bombarded with images of perfection, youth, and beauty that nobody can live up to without the best plastic surgeon available and the cash that it takes to attain that 'perfection'. It's all hype and marketing, it is not real and we do ourselves a huge favor by not buying any of it. And we do the biggest favor to ourselves by accepting ourselves as we are and loving ourselves enough to be the healthiest we can be.

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1STATEOFDENIAL 2/26/2013 8:02PM

    We are the only person in the world we can only see in reflection. We can't look ourselves in the face and see reality; we see a reflection of our opposite in the mirror and a snapshot of a moment in a picture. When we look at others, we can better see who they are because we're seeing their living and straightforward self.

You're looking back at yourself in hindsight and the picture is much closer to 20/20. You're missing some important questions though: what else what happening in your life that you focused so desperately on weight loss and why were you so willing to shut out everything from everyone else? Those are difficult questions to face because you must dig down into yourself. When we do that, we often find things we don't like. But it sometimes allows us to realize that what we thought was the issue (like weight and body image) is not what was really the problem, it was our self-esteem and feeling like we have no control over our lives.

Just seeing that you're concerned about this happening again shows there's a decent chance that it won't happen. You may consider some soul searching to find more about who you are and what's important to you, then committing to those important things instead of spending every moment thinking about weight loss. It probably would also be helpful to speak with a therapist about what's happened in the past and how you're afraid of it happening again.

If nothing else, write a contract with yourself and a few people you love and trust. Pledge that if your loved ones express concern about your health that you will listen and seek medical assistance such as reviewing your health with your doctor. Ask that your loved ones pledge to be honest and not crack jokes about your health, as you're counting on them to help you know if you're on the right track or not. By speaking with them upfront then you have a harder time saying they're lying or sabotaging you because they've pledged to be honest.

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XANGELSTEARZX 2/26/2013 1:18PM

    emoticon The hardest thing you'll ever have to accept is yourself. Sounds like you may be on your way!

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