Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I thought I was going to be sadder about my friend Sussy's death, she passed away last tuesday Feb 19. I, more than sad, am a bit relief that she is not suffering anymore and I know she is in a better place. The news of her death didn't come as a surprise after all that was what the doctors where expecting but still it's hard to imagine that one day she was here and the next she is gone, and I didn't get to say goodbye. The day she said she was going to Alabama I just looked at her and wished her fun thinking she was coming back after New years, I never expected her not to come back at all.
Looking back at the time that I knew her I understand that I am meant to learn from her, from her life and the time she spent here. Sussy was a nice person, way too nice sometimes, and people did take advantage of that. She didn't notice or didn't care, even when we told her so. I guess all she wanted was to be accepted and loved. She did whatever it took to find happiness, even when it meant leaving her husband of 13 years when he became an alcoholic. Don't get me wrong she tried helping him and getting him to change for a while before filing for divorce, but at the end she realized he wasn't going to change and that she wasnt happy.
Like her I too will do whatever it takes, as long as I don't hurt anyone in the process, to be happy . I will put myself first on my list, something that I hardly ever do. I realized that while i thought i was helping my family, i was not, only enabling them and hurting myself. I used to think they needed me, when in reality i needed my time more than they did. My mom has her husband, she has two other daughters, neices and nephews. My sisters have their husbands and kids, and while I have them, I have always felt very alone. AT the end of the day after they stopped "needing" me they went their way and left me usually exhausted and tired of it. And I called that life!
Sussy was always smiling and laughing, and it wasn't because she didn't take things seriously but to her it was always better to laugh than to cry. She took alot in this life, and I was always thinking to myself how does she smile when all I would do was cry and complain. She did complain and cry, but it was more to vent once in a while, after that she would show the world her smiles instead. I guess she thought me to always show the world you're tough even when you feel your crumbling, besides what to do we obtain my being depressed and not doing anything about why we are depressed other than pushing people away.
In her memory I will try to live for myself, to fix myself, and greet the day with a smile. I will miss her of course, but I know she's not hurting anymore and she would be happy to know that she was the inspiration for a life transformation.
In another happier note, I am starting my exercise routine again! I am happy, i've missed it! I never thought that moving away, time change, and a whole lot of other excuses were going to derail me, but they did, and I admit it shamefully! I haven't quit but I was not putting my 100%, I am looking forward to spring and longer days.