Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I will be the first one to admit, I have a huge anxiety problem. Even as a kid, group settings scared the freak out of me. I remember my birthday parties where I would literally hide in my room because of all the people, noise, everything. Even though I don't show it now, groups still freak the freak out of me. My mom and I literally got into a pretty horrible fight a month ago, due to this. We were at dinner for my aunt's birthday, and yup, I was being a raging B. I don't mean to, its just that my anxiety goes nuts, to the point where I cannot hide it.
I think that it why I am having such a hard time getting my weight loss back into control. Eating in the break room scares me, the gym scares me, everything. It takes me a LONG time to feel comfortable in a place. Like zumba, I have been doing it pretty regularly since November, and lately has been the first time I felt comfortable and forgot others where in the room. I am hoping I can get this feeling down in the 'boy kid' part of the gym. It's a struggle, but I am going to keep pushing. One day.
I need to let go. I need to stop thinking that I am being watched by all, all the time. I can do this again, but I just need to not think. Hard for me, god its so hard. Control has always been something I have to have, in ALL situations. But I am working on it.
Which brings me to this weekend. I have a bachlorette party to go to, and I really want to enjoy myself, I do. One thing that scares me, i cannot leave if I wanted to. We are taking a van around to bars so I cannot just disappear when no one is looking, theres the no control part. But I am determined to stay and have fun. Thank god there is liquor.
I can conquer all, just one step at a time.