Never try, never fail -- I need a new mantra!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

When my son was a little guy there was an animated movie about a robot society (I think maybe it was just called "Robots") that had several cutesy catch phrases in it. One character built his life around "See a need, fill a need" and was a successful inventor/businessrobot. Another character built his life around "Never try, never fail" and was a homeless bum who never accomplished anything.

One of these phrases is admirable and something to aspire toward. The other is the one I've always lived by. "Never try, never fail." It's so true for me. I've spent so many years paralyzed by the thought of failing that I've become the ultimate failure... the one who never even started!

This is my challenge this week. I've spent so many years convincing myself that my life is out of my control. I believed I wasn't fat and so couldn't see what some pictures I saw the other day were trying to tell me. I believed everything was great the way it was and totally missed the part about life sucking.

But, truth is, my life really does kind of suck. I mean, it's great in a lot of ways. I have amazing kids. I'm no longer living with an alcoholic. I finally have a really good relationship with my parents. But that's not enough! I can't pay my bills. I can't even afford the court filing fees for a divorce. I haven't gone on a date. Heck, the only man I've even talked to in the last two years was needy and annoying. When I got a new phone number a few months ago he didn't get it emoticon

I have missed out on so much because I've spent my life being afraid of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable. Yes, I was picked on, laughed at, and even bullied in elementary school and at home when I was a child. I'm not a child anymore. Yes, I am really hard on myself when I make a commitment and then let someone down. But I'm letting myself down by not trying! I know I can handle a lot more than I give myself credit for!

The biggest rewards always come when I take the biggest risks. As this woman I met over the weekend said, "Get your own 'but' out of the way and you can do it!" "But what if I can't do it?" "But what if I disappointment someone?" Let me try "But what if I never become financially stable and independent?" Isn't that a whole lot scarier?

Please help me find a mantra to replace "Never try, never fail". I have to open myself up to the possibility of failing and letting people down and making an idiot of myself if I'm ever going to truly succeed.
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    You and I have things in common. My ARMHS worker just left and in the (not kidding) 5 hours she was here (didn't seem nearly that long) I had a few realizations, including that part of why I over-analyze is because my entire life I was always led to believe I would never be good enough and all I COULD do was fail, so it was easier to decide to not decide and let life happen. I also realized that my intelligence is as much a hinderance as a help, as I can dissect any decision down until I know every possible outcome and how every outcome will affect every other part of my life, which makes it impossible for me to believe that making a decision will be helpful - so I want others to make the decision for me so I can blame them if it goes wrong and blame them for making the decision for me if it goes right and I never have to believe the consequences are truly my own.

    I also stumbled upon something today that my ARMHS worker liked. I won't go into the whole process of how I got there (it has to do with string theory, multiple universes, philosophy, theology, and I know I lost her along the way), but it essentially boiled down to "I am who I am because it is who I am." Essentially, if we weren't the person we are, we wouldn't be asking why we are who we are, so we only can ask who we are by being who we are. (Like I said, complicated.) Maybe you can consider something like that as your mantra, giving it your own meaning. It has no judgement about whether what we do or who we are is negative or positive and it allows us to embrace that we are human, flaws and awesomeness together. I'm not sure if this would work for me, because of my over-analysis, but I thought I'd share in case it helped you in anyway.

    Also, FYI, I'm VERY close to setting up the GA trip for next month. Prices just dropped so I'm hoping to have the plane, hotels, and tour booked by the end of the week. We'll have to talk about it more in the next few days.
    1818 days ago
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