Tuesday, February 26, 2013
I have officially submitted my application for schoool AND my FAFSA meaning come August - I will be enrolled in college!
I can't believe it!
I am hoping to earn a degree in Computer Science and eventually get a job in the gaming industry. I am thinking I would like to program combat AI, if possible.
I learned that there are quite a few companies that are in Austin (about 1 1/2 hrs from here) so I could technically commute if I didn't want to move my kids, etc.
I know all of that is a long way away but, .... wow. I can't even imagine...
I bring this all up because I am finding I feel a renewed sense of self worth as I think about school.
My life from graduation on has just been one disaappointment after another with the exception (of course) of my wonderful husband and amazing kids.
Abusive relationship (emotionally, physically, psycologically), on to self-destructive behavior (partying, drowning myself in alcohol and all that entails), terrible family relationships (lots of manipulation, being taken advantage of, etc)....
It's no wonder I ended up feeling like I was in a hole.
Food was my company (when beer or vodka weren't an option).
I ate to feel something. Something remotely good in all the CRAP I was dealing (or not dealing) with.
But now, ...
I think about programming and what I will be able to do and I feel empowered.
I feel like I might actually be worth something.
I am not trying to fish for compliments or anything like that. I am being 100% honest.
I don't know how many of you have felt this way before. I felt like nothing I ever could do was good enough. Like, I would never do anything with myself. Like I was nobody. Nothing. Of no importance. I felt like maybe I was created just to give my kids life, but that's it.
Isn't that funny? I would always ask, "How could someone/something so beautiful, so amazing, so precious come from me?" as if I was the complete opposite! Complimenting my kids while bringing myself down at the same time.
I can't believe how wrong I was.
My kids are amazing BECAUSE they are mine. I am a part of that. *Cue the waterworks, I am having a breakthrough!*
I am precious.
I am amazing.
I have worth.
It's taken me twenty-something years to remember that.... but I remember.
I can't remember the last time I felt like I was "somebody", but I feel like this now - and I hope that never goes away.
I can do so much... I will.