To me this will take a lifetime and beyond, I mean really, how can we wrap our finite minds around an infinite God, yet I am so encouraged about what he impressed on my heart over the last several days.
I had really been struggling to believe him in some areas. The last six months have been my own personal hell from a devastating house fire than nearly killed both of my parents to my latest trial an infection that is eating my 16 year old's bone. This Friday he is scheduled to have surgery to get it removed. Prayers please!!!!
Anywho, it's been a trip, and I will be honest it has been tough for me to keep the faith. I have been walking with the Lord faithfully for over 12 years, and in all sincerity I was ready to throw in my Christian towel. I figured if these are the results I am getting "with" Christ, I can do much better on my own...
A dear friend talked me out of Christian suicide, and God answered the prayers of my loving husband. To be honest looking back now I'm not sure I could have left Christ! Here's why.
All day Thursday and Friday as I ranted and raved and demanded God answer me as to why he was allowing so many terrible things to keep happening, He never spoke a word. Not one thing, but all the while I seen him in my mind's eye resting on a chair peacefully watching me. It reminded me of how a father would allow his or her child to throw a terrible tantrum, I mean afterall, can we "really" control those outbursts, as the parent watches to make sure the child doesn't really hurt him/herself. He was there, but he didn't interfere. I just tucked that in my heart as my rage continued.
After I settled down, I was left with a lot of pieces. For one I was afraid to "re-approach" God, I mean afterall, I was acting like a raving lunatic. Secondly, I was just so heartbroken, yet I tried. I journaled into the evening Saturday, and after a couple of pages the Lord spoke. (in my head) He said, "You hurt my feelings." I just laid there flabbergasted. I couldn't believe I had hurt the Creator of the Universe's feeling. I was completely overwhelmed. For the first time in my life, I realized not only is God real, not only is Jesus my Savior, my friend, my comforter, my healer, my redeemer, he is human!!!! I mean I always knew it up top, but it never really sank down into my heart. I hurt him, like I would have hurt any other person I would have attempted to assault the way I assaulted Christ. I began to weep again. This time it was very different weeping though. This time I was sorry. I was sorry I had hurt one of my friends, my best friend's feelings.
So, I was saying, I am not sure we can ever get apart from Jesus once we really make him ours, not that I want to test that out more fully than I did Friday, but seriously, look at what the Bible has to say.
Isaiah 49:16a Behold, I have indelibly imprinted (tattooed a picture of) you on the palm of each of My hands. Now I realize with today's technology tattoo's can be surgically removed, but there is no way Jesus's hands will ever lose the marks he bears for taking our sins upon his flesh. Those marks, as we, I believe are permanently imprinted.
Ephesians 4:30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Doesn't mean we won't grieve him! I know that I did, but we are sealed. We will not be "unsealed" until the day of our redemption, our death, or Christ's return.
Luke 10:20 However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven Which leads me to my next part of the story. Saturday night I had a vision. In my mind's eye, I could see the Lord wanting me to come back into a right relationship with him. He mentioned my mouth, and how when I use it for cursing and saying mean and unholy things that it doesn't please him. BUT...then he gave me a gift. He said, I want you to take this crown and put it on your head. I said, "Never!" "If you give me this crown, I will cast it at your feet, I will not wear it!" The Lord said, "You must!" After about an hour, kid you not, I am stubborn ;) I allowed the Lord to place it on my head. He said, "Now look." I was in front of a mirror, and God was behind me, it was almost like he was my father on my wedding day, and he was helping me with the finishing touches. He smiled in approval, and the vision was over.
We must realize Saints, if we are to win the war against the pulls of this world, against demonic principalities and our own flesh, we MUST know who we are in Christ! We must know that we have POWER to overcome the devil. I am never taking my crown off, it is the only way I can defeat the enemy of our souls! With Christ all power is made available to me, without him, I am a sitting duck.
Lastly, ok, ok, here is the really cool part. If you've read this far, you are an amazing person! Sunday morning, near the end of our church service, our pastor began to pray for the congregation. I was still feeling sad, talk about being like an Israelite in the wilderness, HOW MANY SIGNS DO I NEED?! Thanks be to God he responds, as many as it takes to bring you back to my side!
I seen myself in a vision once more, this time as a six or seven year old girl. I had a piece of paper in my hand and walked up to the cross of calvary. There I nailed my sins to the tree where Jesus bore my sins. I nailed in my bitterness, anger, rage and hate towards God over the past few days. If we want to be FREE, we have to be that honest. What happened next absolutely blew my mind into a thousand pieces. So much of my journey with Jesus is him turning my brain particles into beautiful pieces of confetti, it's like I'm so happy, I don't even care to pick them back up, I just stand in the middle of them dancing as they all come floating down around me. Immediately upon nailing my sins to the cross, I walked beyond it where God, my father, was waiting to pick me up. He held me in his arms, as Jesus, my big brother walked beside us tousling my hair, saying "Good job!", "That's a way!" I was so happy as we all walked off into something very bright, brighter than the sun.
Beloved, be encouraged today. Life is tough! We get the crap kicked out of us all the time. Be it by life itself, others, circumstances, our health, you name it. I am here to tell you today that with Christ even if every, single thing in your life is going south you can still have joy, peace and love flowing in abundance from your heart. Why? Because Jesus is the SUPER, FAR ABOVE, MORE THAN WE COULD EVER ASK FOR ABUNDANT LIFE! Won't you let him do for you, what's he's done for me? Go ahead, just ask him, he's more willing and ready than you could ever imagine.