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    MAGGIEROSEBOWL   28,061
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Fear

Monday, February 25, 2013


Me and My ROCK!

I am so scared. Hubby's prostate biopsy was positive for cancer on both sides. I'm doing all the research I can right now on the internet and the doctor's office will be sending us literature as well as suggestions on books to check out or buy and read about this cancer and the treatment options. I never expected this. I JUST KNEW there was no cancer, that it was just an enlarged prostate. I refused to even consider the possibility it might be cancer. I think hubby knew all along it was cancer. He has been so ill. The nurse called our house this morning and I stood there stunned as she gave me way too much information. Then I was to call hubby, who is at work. But in the end, I knew I couldn't convey all that information to him adequately and I asked her to do it, knowing how hard a call like that would be (WAS) to get, and to get it at work---unthinkable. But I knew he needed to know.

When I called hubby later--he was reassuring me. That's who he is--only one of the many reasons I love him so much. He is my rock, my love, my life. Right now, all I want to do is hold on to him for dear life and never let go....but he's at work. I'm alone at home, I've let my three boys know, and told them I will be depending on them for support. I know I can count on them.

This news for me is all tainted by my father's battle with prostate cancer which ended in 2007. When they diagnosed him, he was well into his 70's (77 years old, I think). I remember sitting in the consultation with his urologist, and the doctor reassuring my dad that prostate cancer would NOT kill him. And then 6 years later, my dad was dead from prostate cancer. Yes he lived until he was 83, and hubby is only 60, but whenever I hear a doctor or health care professional say something about how prostate cancer doesn't kill, I think of my Dad, and others who I know died from it. It DOES kill.

Saturday night I heard that a dear friend had passed away. He and his wife were very good friends of ours, although in recent years we had grown apart. We still ran into them occasionally at the bowling alley and I play his wife on Words With Friends on my iPhone all the time. They are wonderful people. Their daughter takes her daughter to the dance studio where I take my granddaughters, in fact I enrolled them there at her recommendation and we run into them almost every Thursday night. The daughter is the one who initially told me that her Dad had lung cancer and that was just last Fall, October....I believe. I knew he had been in the hospital having surgery after completing his chemo. And surgery, which was around a month ago, was successful, all his margins were 100% clear, so the outlook was bright,. even though his cancer was Stage 4, and there is only a 20% 5-year survival rate from that cancer. Then he had to have several more surgeries from complications of the surgery--leakage, etc. and didn't get out of the hospital for a long time, and when he did I believe he had to return the very next day. But.....we thought it was just a complication, that he would recover and survive. The results from surgery were so hopeful! And then I heard he was on a ventilator, and I knew that probably wasn't good, but still I thought, "He will be okay." And then I heard he died. It rocked me. It isn't fair. The cancer had responded to treatment, but ultimately the treatment is what killed him. His wife must be destitute. She wrote on Facebook that she had lost her husband and best friend. She said her heart was broken and she didn't know that she would ever recover. I can only imagine what she must be going through, and now, with hubby's diagnosis, it becomes all too real for me.

As you can imagine, all this is very stressful. I'm going to be strong and NOT EAT. For some reason, even when I'm scared to death and physically sick to my stomach I can always eat. Although, I'll have to admit right now, I'm not hungry at all.

Spark Friends--please support me as we struggle on our way through more appointments, consultations, tests and treatments, and probably more surgery. It was a very bad time to retire from work, because this necessitated us changing our health insurance from a premium option to a low one. But I checked this morning, and it looks like we will be able to afford our stop/loss level for the year, Thank God. You don't want to have to worry about money at a time like this. I was just reading a very comprehensive report in the new Time Magazine about health insurance and some real horror stories of people who now owe millions of dollars because health insurance was inadequate. The Health Care System in this country may be messed up beyond fixing. But nobody should suffer or even die because they can't afford health care. NOBODY!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TERRYT55 2/28/2013 11:26PM

    I'll keep you and your hubby in my thoughts and prayers.

The picture of you and your hubby is beautiful........I can see the love you have for each other

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SPARKLISE 2/27/2013 9:32AM

    My dad had that cancer and after treatment he was fine.
I pray it all goes well for you guys too. emoticon

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DOODIE59 2/26/2013 8:27PM

    HI Pam
Hugs for you at this scary time. Can I suggest asking for helpful information that isn't alarming. Arm yourself with knowledge and go with your hubby to every appointment. For him, it will be hard to process everything that's being said. You can really help by listening, going in with a list of questions ... just being that second head to decipher everything. You're both in my prayers. Again, hugs:)
Deirdre

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TUBLADY 2/26/2013 11:54AM

    Pam I am very sorry about the diagnosis. But listen to your doctor. There are all stages of cancer.. There are all treatments. even though your father eventually dies at 83, he lives for over 6 years with cancer.
There are people who would take those six years in a minute.
It's always hard for the other spouse to cope. But just as he is your ROCK, you are his. This is a time that your strength and love for each other will be needed.
Let your children help you and together as a family you will come through this battle.
My prayers are with you.
Hugs Tisha emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JAOTAO 2/26/2013 11:06AM

    I am so sorry to hear about this. You and your DH are in my prayers. Blessings to you, may you find the strength, know comfort from the Great Spirit and others. Take care.

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KROLES55 2/26/2013 10:46AM

    Praying for you & your DH.

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KANOE10 2/26/2013 9:11AM

    I am sorry about your husband. My husband had surgery for the same cancer and it has not returned. I will keep you in my prayers.

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FLYINGB16 2/26/2013 6:30AM

    Pam I am so sorry to hear about the diagnosis. I can imagine that you both are terrified. Try to stay positive and not let the 'what if's' steal your time. You are strong and healthy and you are able to take care of your husband as he battles this disease. I'm glad you have family nearby to help you both. Every cancer diagnosis is horrifying/heartbreaking but everyone's journey/battle is different. Try not to compare your husband's situation to others. Positive thinking, especially during your darkest times really will help.

I am sending HUGS and PRAYERS your way.

Bonnie

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KSNANA2 2/25/2013 11:23PM

    As a cancer survivor myself, my only advice is to keep positive and find humor wherever you can. I hope you have good doctors. That really made a difference for me. I felt loved by so many and the doctors and nurses were just the best at spending time with me to walk me through the process. I read up on my situation and the various treatments so I could talk with my doctors and comprehend what was being said. My prayers go with you.

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MEWHENRYSMAMA 2/25/2013 10:37PM

    I am sending prayers, positive thoughts and light! As a spark friend I am here! And you have my support! I have been going through alot, too, with my DH and his medical leave due to multiple medical issues and now black out and seizures! Disability is an issue and the health insurance, cost and need for disability so we can keep insurance as long as we can with copay and then Cobra! It is a waiting game and we constantly go to dr appts, etc. I say this as I want you to know I understand! Do not dwell on others cancer experiences, everyone is so different! Just focus on your DH! There are many treatments and advances in this area! Know you are in my, and others, thoughts and prayers!
Healing supportive hugs!
Mary

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LINDAK25 2/25/2013 9:50PM

    You're in my thoughts and prayers. emoticon

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MSLZZY 2/25/2013 9:39PM

    I will be praying for both of you-for strength, guidance
and successful treatment. HUGS!

Comment edited on: 2/25/2013 9:40:12 PM

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CLPURNELL 2/25/2013 9:37PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DUXGRL1 2/25/2013 7:50PM

    I am so sorry that you both are going through this and am praying for you. AND....an organization that I know thru work might be able to help you, not sure if you have heard of them, but if not, check them out. Cancer Care. They have all kinds of services that could help.

http://www.cancercare.
org/

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CHALLENGER15 2/25/2013 7:32PM

    Here is a picture of all your Spark friends standing with you and your DH:

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KATRINAKAT23 2/25/2013 6:11PM

  emoticon emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 2/25/2013 4:42PM

    Praying for you, your DH and your family. You are doing the right thing by reaching out. Hugs.

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ITSREALLYONLYME 2/25/2013 4:29PM

    I am so sorry to hear this news, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.


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FORMYDARLINGS 2/25/2013 4:09PM

   

Pam. I am sorry to hear of your husbands diagnosis. I want to tell you though, that 10 years ago my hubby was diagnosed with breast cancer. We were all dumbstruck. Men don't get breast cancer. Well yes they do. It took longer than normal to get him operated on because, since he is a man, all breast surgery has to be investigated before health insurance will cover it. Women, no problem , go in tomorrow but for men, it took 2 months to get an okay for surgery. His surgery went well and they are sure they got it all. He didn't even need chemo or radiation but the recovery was long and slow.

Slow down your mind, if possible. This may not be as bad as you are imagining. Try to remain positive. It matters so much for your hubby to know you are solid . Have a cup of green tea and try to relax. Nothing will happen today or tomorrow. SLow down. Take a few minutes to get used to the fact he is ill. No more than that. Only ill. You can do this. You will do this and we are all here for you both.
Pray. It goes a long way and know you and hubby are in my prayers now more than ever.

Be still, be calm, be loved and know it just is what it is.


Love Gini

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JOANIEB2589 2/25/2013 3:28PM

  Keeping you and your hubby in my prayers.

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4_MY_LIFE 2/25/2013 2:58PM

    Keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers!

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CANNIE50 2/25/2013 2:35PM

    I admire you, Pam, for reaching out instead of isolating, for writing from your heart instead of eating until you are sick, and for letting people know what you need. I was not surprised when I read the part about your husband reassuring you. You are indeed blessed to have one another. I am thinking of you and your family. emoticon

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LJCANNON 2/25/2013 1:15PM

    emoticon God IS The Great Physician and I know Prayers are being said for You, Duane, AND for the Medical Team. We are with you, Spark Friend!

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PATIENTSAM 2/25/2013 1:14PM

    praying for you...

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PRESBESS 2/25/2013 1:13PM

    I am sorry you and your family are dealing with such a difficult thing. I will pray for you and for your husband's healing. God is always for you... not against you. Thanks for sharing.
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TEDDYBEARGIRL 2/25/2013 12:58PM

    Praying for you all!

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VONBLACKBIRD 2/25/2013 12:53PM

    Praying for you both and your friends as well.

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TADTURC 2/25/2013 12:47PM

    With your strength and positivity you can fight and beat this cancer together!

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MEH50BEWELL 2/25/2013 12:32PM

    Your DH is so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful wife as you. I am deeply sorry that you must go through so much at this time. I hope your faith can keep you strong and moving forward. All my prayers for a speedy recovery for your amazing DH. You have an additional incredible support family with SP and the prayer chains will be un-ending.

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RUNNING-LIFE 2/25/2013 12:31PM

    My prayers are with you both . I know personally how scary this is. If you need to vent or anything- I am here. emoticon

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CBRINKLEY401 2/25/2013 12:29PM

    Thank you for keeping us updated on your hubby's condition. Our thoughts are with you both at this time.

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