Day 252 - Victories and Struggles
Monday, February 25, 2013
Happy lunch to you guys, Sparklers!
As you guys may have seen from my previous blog - last night I had an epiphany and I had to declare it to the entire world. I'm a runner. Not a 'great' runner, or a 'talented' runner - but just a plain old runner. I run for fun and fitness. I like it.
Today as I walked in all I wanted to do was tell the world, "Guess what? I run!" Because, well, up until now I've felt like I had no right to say such a thing. I don't know what switch flipped inside my head - if it was the distance or the time; but, I feel like I'm 'real' now.
Saturday I did something completely unplanned - I ran the 10 mile Spring Thaw race. I hadn't planned to run it - and when the RRC's asked me about it in January I said "No, I don't think I'll be ready by then." Still, as time wore on and I've increased my distance I found myself flirting with the idea of running it. Then I saw the weather report. Then I got some fantastic feedback from other members of the club.
Then I ran it.
I didn't run quickly (probably a 12 minute mile pace); but, I ran it. I did the entire distance. I just zoned out and I did the best I could. I finished. I'm a runner. It's magic.
Though, I have to admit, I'm stuggling a touch. As proud as I am of being a runner - of the sheer accomplishment of running ten miles; I'm having a difficult time with body image. Lately people have been saying how good I look and daring to use the word 'skinny'; but, at 185 I feel so far away from skinny. I feel like I may as well still be 230lbs. and a size 20. Gosh, honestly, it's enough to make me paranoid.
I'll admit it, just like everybody else I want to be skinny. I want to be thin and graceful and all those feminine archetypes. I can't help it.
It makes me wonder, what if I can't get any lighter? What if I don't get any smaller? What if this is as good as it gets? Or, what if I -do- manage to get all the way down to 160 or 145 and I still feel this way?
Today is another off day following the unplanned 10-miler while I wait for my legs to rest up. I'm back on the run again tomorrow for about 3 miles or so. It's a light run week - which is a good thing :)