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    DAELITESMOM   595
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Today begins it....


Monday, February 25, 2013

My neighbor is a cancer survivor and, at times, I was her care giver. My dad passed away because of bladder cancer and I was his care giver even during his time in hospice and I was there when he passed. I was also present when my Mom passed unexpectedly. I never really got over my Moms passing, I was even diagnosed with PTSD because of my experience with my Mom's death, but since my Dads death last June I've gotten into a major slump and while not diagnosed officially I know I have major depression and really don't care about myself or my appearance. Before my Mom passed I weighed 120# and prior to my move I worked out up to 6 hours every day, this morning I weighed myself and I'm at 155, the highest I've weighed since I was 22, I just turned 45. I hate myself and feel unworthy of anything positive, there is so much that plays a part of my thinking. Oddly, I am a student, literally, of psychology and I know what's wrong and I know what I'm supposed to do to fix it but...I really don't want to. My neighbor asked me to participate in a YMCA workout program for the next 6 weeks that is being offered by her cancer support group for patients, survivors, and their caregivers. In my head I know this is important, will be beneficial physically, emotionally, and psychologically but...my motivation is incredibly low. I'll do it because she asked. I'll do it because in my head I know I need to. I'll do it because I know my parents would want me to. I'll do it because I'm tired of being alone, and while i do live with someone, I am and feel so incredibly alone. Lets see how this goes.

And so it begins......
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