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    LYNNGINN1   68,908
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Sunday, February 24, 2013

how I feel

tired - overwhelmed - overworked - frustrated - angry - sad - confused - alone - resentful - under appreciated - worried - isolated - restricted - weak - inadequate .... Just a partial list.

I am so TIRED of being beaten down and beaten down and beaten down some more! I can't do anything right to save my ass and the harder I try the worse it gets, however, at the same time I am being asked for assurance that I won't leave and will ALWAYS be there.
I could just CRY/SCREAM!, but there's no time for that kind of thing, at least not right now. Anyway, there is more than enough crying and screaming going on already.
Steve and I have come up with a plan for the future that we hope will make for a better quality of life for all involved, but at the moment I don't even know if I will survive to see it to completion - to say I'm burnt out would be a HUGE understatement!


Member Comments About This Blog Post:
JULIAMOONCHILD 2/25/2013 10:51AM

    Having time to express these emotions is a critical element to your survival! Whatever you can do to get these pent-up emotions OUT, rather than holding it all in, please, please do it. The house might shake on it's foundation - Neighbors might get an ear full - Family members might shudder and quake in their shoes - but SO BE IT!!
OR ... If you can take yourself out of the house, even if only for a short drive and in your own privacy allow yourself freedom of expression, it might make a difference, at least for a short time, in your daily survival.

It's a weird thing, I think, (based on personal experiences), that when a caregiver finally has something to look forward to, usually when they are already burnt out - totally burnt out - so burnt out that they feel they can't make it through another day, they find it the most difficult to continue onward towards a new plan that will possibly make life better. It's like it's there ... a little light shinning off in the distance and we should be jumping for joy just knowing that it is there and sometime in the future we will be there too - But it ain't that way. Seen through the eyes and the mind of a BURNT OUT caregiver, that little light seems a million miles away. A trillion miles away. Glad to know that there is something to look forward to, yet so damn tired that the getting there just seems impossible. And, sadly, just when 'normal' minded folks would be thinking that this should be bringing the caregiver a great sense of relief, as well as a feeling of enormous hope, the caregiver, unable to explain just how burnt out they have truly become (like, they have HIT THE WALL!) and why even this wonderful hope is still not INSTANTLY able to revive their worn-out souls, guilt for not being instantly revived now floods an already guilt-flooded heart.

Maybe this does not apply to your situation, Lynn, but it has to mine and so many other caregivers speaking of this in support groups. Anyway, just want ya to know that I understand where you are and if any of this does apply, I understand just how far that little light might seem to you this day.

But you will get there ... We are both going to get there. And in the interim we must do all that we can to not allow pent-up emotions to consume us.

I love you, Lynn! emoticon

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SNOWANGELDIVA 2/25/2013 7:17AM

    I love the licence plate quote - my fav. I'm so sorry for the feeling of defeat. I know it makes your head wanna explode. Keep on hanging onto any thread of positive energy...they're there and at the end of that rope is the end of the tunnel.
Hugs & Prayers and imaginary tequila/dance parties.

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