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Til Death Do Me Spark.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

I woke up yesterday morning to a series of sad Facebook statuses. A guy who was currently a senior at my alma mater just died. No, we werenít friends, or even acquaintances for that matter. I donít even remember him around campus. But those facts are not important.

I looked at his Facebook page. Incomplete. His Twitter page. Part of the past. Plans, hopes, dreams. Over.

Then, I turned around on my bed. An unopened bag of pretzels and a box of Wheat Thins. What about my plans?

Twelve hours later. Iíve remained on that bed, with the exception of a quick shower and my back-and-forth trips to the kitchen. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Sweet potato fries. That box of Wheat Thins are now done. The bag of pretzels have been open. What about my plans?

I woke up this morning, Sunday morning, and Iím still unsure. Another peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I skipped an entire weekís worth of workouts. But thatís not the problem. Exercise is a part of who I am. Itís a non-negotiable part of my identity. I will be back. I always go back.

I realize now that I stopped losing weight when I stopped going to therapy. I took a day off work last Friday so I could find a therapist. Iím starting to binge eat like I did in college. Iím starting to feel extremely depressed again, and I fear another nervous breakdown. I need help. But even with my fairly good health insurance, it still will cost $50 a session. $200-250 a month. Not impossible to afford, but Iíd rather save that cash for vacations.

This time I will not use a therapist.

This guy from my college was hit by a car. Photos from the local news website show a broken glass on the passengerís side of the windshield. He died at the hospital. He died quickly. I looked at his Facebook page. I looked at his Twitter page. I looked at our mutual friendsí pages. I looked at his LinkedIn page. He had ambition, but more importantly, he was building his resume. Not a summer at home without an internship or a job. But now his plans, hopes, and dreams are over because of an accident.

On Monday, March 15, 2010, I weighed 210 pounds. As of Monday, February 11, 2013, I still weigh 151 pounds. Iíve been trying to lose the last 19-26 pounds for the last two years now. I am a planner by nature. My careerís in health. I know more than the average person about weight loss. My plans, hopes, and dreams are enough to help me reach this goal.

It shouldnít take a healthy 23 year old 2 years to lose 26 pounds. The workouts wonít help me lose weight. I will never lose the weight unless I stick to my calorie range. Weight loss is 80 percent nutrition and calories. No matter how many miles I run in Central Park or on an incline on the treadmill, no matter how many early morning plyometric workout classes I take. I will NEVER reach my goal weight. My weight will stay the same. And then, I will get frustrated with the lack of results from my exercise routine and skip the gym.

His plans, hopes, and dreams wonít happen because of what happened to him. My plans, hopes, and dreams wonít happen because of what I let happen.

He understood that he was the only person with the power to change his life. He fought and worked hard to make his plans, hopes, and dreams a reality. He doesnít have another chance.

Didnít he deserve one?

I understand that I am the only person with the power to change my life. I donít fight or work hard enough to make my plans, hopes, and dreams a reality. My chances are running out, but I donít know when.

Why do I deserve more chances than him?

Most of us wonder why life and death can be so unfair. Unfair to who?

Maybe one day we will use our personal power of change to make life and death a little more fair.

Rest in peace, Jason.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PLATINUM755 2/25/2013 5:21PM

    I use my current status to state where I am and what my goals are. The hope is that they may help someone else as well get to the next step or even make the light brighter shining further down the tunnel easier to see and make the next step possible. Here goes:

"The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term, is the indispensable prerequisite for success."~Brian Tracy

This is your life. Do what you need to to make it what you want. If that means therapy, then do it. Giving up a vacation for all the possible even happier vacations to come is worth the trade-off.

The power is in YOU to make your goals happen. emoticon



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JIBBIE49 2/25/2013 3:33PM

    You can go to a Mental Health Office and see a therapist according to income and it is much cheaper. My son goes to group meetings for $4 a week.

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SKEEWEE2MEK 2/25/2013 1:51PM

    We all have limited time. We have to make it count! emoticon

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LZY0108 2/25/2013 12:55PM

    I think you should use his death as a motivating stepping stone, not an anchor. If he is watching I don't think he would like his death to be something that sets you back. Take your chance BECAUSE he can't....
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ITSALWAYSABTME 2/25/2013 12:43PM

    I agree the vacation will not be enjoyable or a vacation if you don't take care of the depression. It's your choice, but you already know what you should do.

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GLITTERFAIRY77 2/25/2013 8:30AM

  I agree with Patricia. You will benefit more from therapy than from vacation. Vacation can mean just a week off to go visiting family, or having friends come over to visit and catch up. Mental illness is something that can't be ignored, just like pneumonia can't be ignored. It has to be treated. What good is vacation if you're too sick to enjoy it?
My father had major depressive disorder, and everytime he went into a deep depression, it means the meds had to be adjusted. It is nothing to fear or feel ashamed about. I hope you reconsider.
We ARE responsible for our health, and that includes mental health, my friend.
You are only 23, and I believe that you have a lot more living to do.
I don't think any of us "deserve" another chance, but deserving or not, you have one. Take it.
emoticon

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PATRICIAAK 2/24/2013 5:54PM

    Your weight loss stopped when you stopped therapy and you fear ANOTHER breakdown. Choose wisely. The vacation can wait. It will be more enjoyable if you are healthy and not depressed.

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KARRENLYNN 2/24/2013 5:35PM

    Thank you for reminding us we only get so much time and so many chances to be our best version of ourselves. The choices we make or don't make today shape what we become in the future.

Maybe Jason's purpose was to remind people like us of that point.

Have a great day,

Karen emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 2/24/2013 5:23PM

    There are so many issues in your blog, I couldn't begin to address them all. Most importantly, if you need therapy to avoid a breakdown, then you MUST opt for therapy. A vacation is not a long term solution to major depression.

You are not alone by any means -- I too exercise like a madwoman but am lax with eating, which prevents me from reaching my goal weight. I think we have to find out WHY we do this to ourselves and deal with it. Since you are 23 and I'm 58 I'm betting you will find the answer before I do. (But when you find out, be sure to share, 'k?)

Peace.

emoticon emoticon

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TRAVELGRRL 2/24/2013 5:23PM

    There are so many issues in your blog, I couldn't begin to address them all. Most importantly, if you need therapy to avoid a breakdown, then you MUST opt for therapy. A vacation is not a long term solution to major depression.

You are not alone by any means -- I too exercise like a madwoman but am lax with eating, which prevents me from reaching my goal weight. I think we have to find out WHY we do this to ourselves and deal with it. Since you are 23 and I'm 58 I'm betting you will find the answer before I do. (But when you find out, be sure to share, 'k?)

Peace.

emoticon emoticon

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SEPTEMBERSPIRIT 2/24/2013 5:06PM

    Life is precious and we need to make the most of every moment... thank you for the reminder...

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GALINAZ 2/24/2013 4:36PM

    You are a worthwhile and precious person and you have much to share with others. Life is never fair but we can all chose how we react to what happens to us in life. Choose happiness, choose hope.

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