Sunday, February 24, 2013
I wanted to put this out there right off the bat...my husband is a saint.
He has never, EVER said anything negative about my weight, or any of my other shortcomings. He has never made me feel like I was anything less than perfect in his eyes. He has never been caught covertly ogling other, slimmer or more beautiful women -- and I think if that was happening, I'd have busted him at least once in the past 29 years! He never makes comments, or looks disappointed in my appearance, or makes me feel less than desireable to him. I know how fortunate I am to have this man, and I thank God every day for bringing him into my life.
Yesterday was a less than perfect day for me. My mom has lived with us for the past 13 years. (Didn't I tell you my husband was a saint?) As she's aged, our roles have changed, and it's no longer a living arrangement that we have for convenience sake....it has become a caregiving situation. I feel that I didn't really sign up for this job, and sometimes I find myself being resentful. And then I beat myself up for those feelings. Complicating the situation further, I have allowed my personal life to be pushed so far back on the burner that I don't even really have one any more. When I do try to carve out a little time for myself, my mom morphs into a controlling, nasty person who makes it her mission to make me miserable. And that old mother/daughter dynamic kicks in, and I sink deeper into the anger/resentment/regret cycle, and she wins. I'm actually getting stronger and standing up for myself a little more often -- normally I would NEVER let anyone speak to me this way. I'm actually considered a strong person. But she's my mom, ya know? She definitely knows how to push my buttons, and on Friday night, push she did indeed!
So yesterday (Saturday) I was still getting the cold shoulder, and it was stressing me out more and more. I'm a people-pleaser by nature, and having somebody mad at me -- especially my mom -- and especially when I did nothing wrong....well, I don't handle it well. When at 3:00 in the afternoon my dear husband, who works two jobs because I don't have one right now, was getting ready to leave for work. He knew how upset I had been all day, and I know he saw tears welling up in my eyes as we said good bye. Silly, I know....but he's my buffer, and he was leaving me alone with my angry, sometimes hateful mother, and I was stressed out....and as an emotional person, that stress makes me cry.
Later, as so often happens these days in my mother's weakening mind, something snapped and she wasn't angry at me any more. In fact, as has always been her way, she wanted to bribe me with food. I think she knew she had done something wrong, but I know she didn't know what. But to make up for it, she wanted to order a pizza. (Is anybody seeing any clues as to why I may have issues with food?) I told her that since it was just the two of us, it wouldn't be worth it to order pizza. (She would eat maybe one piece, and in my emotional state, having seven-eighths of a pizza here in the house would NOT be a good thing.) So I made us a couple of Stouffer's french bread pizzas, which I thought was a good alternative. After that she went to bed, and I felt better, the crisis having passed, and everything on a more even keel. I then worked out for about 45 minutes, improving my mood even more, and settled in to wait for DH's shift to end at midnight.
It can be his custom to stop and get food on the way home, if he's been exceptionally busy and hasn't had a chance to eat anything. He'll call and say where he's stopping, and ask if I want anything. Sometimes I'll have a little something....sometimes not, but he always offers. Last night he was stopping at McDonald's. I said yes, I could eat a cheeseburger. Sometimes we share some late night McNuggets, but tonight I would have a cheeseburger instead. That's all.
But when he came in the door a half hour later, he was laden down with a bag and a drink tray. This man I love so much....he remembered my watery good-bye to him several hours earlier, and I think it hurt him to know I was hurting. And knowing my penchant for Shamrock Shakes, he got us each one. But the thing is, I treat myself to one of those babies ONE TIME per year, and I had already had that a couple of weeks ago. But it didn't stop there. In addition to the cheeseburger I'd ordered, he brought me a large order of fries and he had also got us a 10-piece McNuggets to share. And remembered my favorite sweet & sour dipping sauce. And I was so touched that he wanted to make me feel better by offering calorie-laden foods -- because to be honest, the old Sharon would have buried herself in that McDonald's bag, only coming up for air when necessary. But I'm wiser now. I'm eating healthier. I'm working out. I'm making better choices even when I do indulge. My wonderful husband, who was never a "chubby-chaser" by any means, but who also apparently doesn't care if I carry some extra cargo as long as I'm happy, desperately wanted to make it up to me for all the stress and grief that my mom had brought upon me the only way he knew how. With a huge hug and a bag of food.
And I drank the shake. And I ate the cheeseburger and a lot of the fries. And even a few of the chicken nuggets, with the sweet & sour dip. I didn't want it. But I did it anyway, because I couldn't bear to hurt his feelings after he had done such a nice thing for me. Now tell me....does this ever happen to you? Do you ever eat just to make someone else happy? This people-pleasing...it's another good reason for me benig the size I am.
Luckly for me, DH does know that I don't eat the way I used to. Normally he wouldn't have brought me the extra food I didn't ask for. But I think he was distraught, knowing I was sad, and he just did it. He's not normally a diet saboteur for me. But love makes you do strange things....like comfort somebody with food when you know they are working hard to lose weight. Or like eating something bad for you in order to not hurt your loved ones' feelings.
Of course, the scale was up this morning. But I'm back on track today. Emotionally, and food-wise. At one time, something like this might have derailed me completely! But now, it's just a little bump in the road.