Sunday, February 24, 2013
In July of 2011 I started a journey to look better . In July of 2012 I realized that was a lie . Do I want to look better ? oh yea , that is always great but that can not be the goal. I have always wanted acceptance and respect. I fought for years to get it when I seemingly got it I still wasn't happy. Why not ? I am well liked and a respectful member of society right . So why wasn't happy ? I wasn't happy because I had trapped me inside a body for safety against people. As long as I was a fat body person then well if they didnt like me then it was because I fat bodied. If they liked me past that then they were worth knowing . Yes I am aware of the sick workings of fat. So how do you find happiness ?
Well by first accepting yourself and respecting yourself to look past the world. Friday 2/22/2013 I spent the day crying , walking, crying ,working out, crying Why well it is really this simple . I had to weigh on Saturday morning . I have a healthy relationship with my scale , it tells me what i need to know and i just accept that . The scale is a little box that sits on floor that i get to step on once a week . I don't fear it , I don't get angry at it , it doesnt make me happy. Just like with food I removed all emotion from that little box . Besides really how many friends to you get to step on once a week ? So why was it that I didnt want to step on it. Because I knew what it was going to tell me was going to make me address an internal fear .
In the last 16 years I have never been this weight . I have done programs , lost 40 to 50 pounds and the gain it all back , Why ? well because that little box on the bathroom floor told me something that I didnt like so why bother i cant do it . Any Way The scale told me I weighed 275.8 not such a low number right ? you are right it isnt low for most but for me it marked 91 pounds gone , now that number is huge for a number of reasons . There is a lot of pressure in being one of those people who are beating the odds, I don't strive to be any motivation or inspiration but my own . That part just happens but when it does you get the feelings like What if I fail? what if I go back ? What if I let them down?
Well that is fat talking again . I am stronger , I am healthier , I am wiser , I have formed healthy relationships with myself , food and the scale . So I know that I can do this but more importantly I know I will do this !!!