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Fat talks : I won't listen

Sunday, February 24, 2013

In July of 2011 I started a journey to look better . In July of 2012 I realized that was a lie . Do I want to look better ? oh yea , that is always great but that can not be the goal. I have always wanted acceptance and respect. I fought for years to get it when I seemingly got it I still wasn't happy. Why not ? I am well liked and a respectful member of society right . So why wasn't happy ? I wasn't happy because I had trapped me inside a body for safety against people. As long as I was a fat body person then well if they didnt like me then it was because I fat bodied. If they liked me past that then they were worth knowing . Yes I am aware of the sick workings of fat. So how do you find happiness ?

Well by first accepting yourself and respecting yourself to look past the world. Friday 2/22/2013 I spent the day crying , walking, crying ,working out, crying Why well it is really this simple . I had to weigh on Saturday morning . I have a healthy relationship with my scale , it tells me what i need to know and i just accept that . The scale is a little box that sits on floor that i get to step on once a week . I don't fear it , I don't get angry at it , it doesnt make me happy. Just like with food I removed all emotion from that little box . Besides really how many friends to you get to step on once a week ? So why was it that I didnt want to step on it. Because I knew what it was going to tell me was going to make me address an internal fear .
In the last 16 years I have never been this weight . I have done programs , lost 40 to 50 pounds and the gain it all back , Why ? well because that little box on the bathroom floor told me something that I didnt like so why bother i cant do it . Any Way The scale told me I weighed 275.8 not such a low number right ? you are right it isnt low for most but for me it marked 91 pounds gone , now that number is huge for a number of reasons . There is a lot of pressure in being one of those people who are beating the odds, I don't strive to be any motivation or inspiration but my own . That part just happens but when it does you get the feelings like What if I fail? what if I go back ? What if I let them down?
Well that is fat talking again . I am stronger , I am healthier , I am wiser , I have formed healthy relationships with myself , food and the scale . So I know that I can do this but more importantly I know I will do this !!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I understand how you are feeling. It was nice to read your blog because it helps to know we are not alone in this struggle. We can overcome this with the help of our friends.
    1845 days ago
    I so want to print out that picture and hang on my desk! I work in a call center and get a lot of screamers on the phone
    1845 days ago
    Thank you for letting us know how much you were struggling with the weigh in. I am so very proud of you to get on that scale in the end and write down that number. You are a winner, and I am so happy you are hanging in there! I tend to do the slow fade. I get all fired up and then I am afraid to stick with it, so slowly more and more junk food creeps in and less exercise is being done. You are so much farther ahead than me, because you already figured out what held you back. I am still a bit in denial.
    Love Love LOOOVE your blog. Thank you for the motivation and your honesty!
    1846 days ago
    Sorry DArlene that the weigh in put so much pressure on you You have done amazingly on this journey you are 100% on target first we need to accept ourselves and respect ourselves then everything else will some how fall into place I do understand "fat" is so much more then a weight on the scale it means different things to different people I know emoticon Hell you already lost 91 pounds and its gone forever
    1846 days ago
    I wish I could have been there for you on Friday. I'm so sorry you dealt with this alone. Please know that I am here for you....even with miles between us! You got this girlfriend! Just look how far you've come! You can do this!!! You really can!! I believe in you!!!
    BIG GIGANTIC emoticon
    1846 days ago
    Truly, you are correct about the psychology of fat. It serves many purposes and losing it can trigger some difficult issues. I hear you!
    The feeling of being a prisoner in your own body is one that I have had, too. It is only in the last couple of weeks that I have worked on making friends with my body and recognizing the connection between my body and my mind. Your body works hard for you every day, your heart pumps without you even having to push a button, your lungs fill and empty without being told. It is truly an amazing gift.
    Not so sure about the scale (joke). Have a great week.
    1846 days ago
  • TERESA159
    It makes me sad to think you were crying about the weigh in, especially since you've done so well. And you will keep on losing! So go and focus on the positive my dear. Do like Willie, tell the negative voices to shut the heck up. It's hard to do, aint' it? But we can learn how.

    WATER!! Hahah, I am liking your little game.
    1846 days ago
    It'a slow slow journey this change to be healthier. My family often does not understand that I am working so hard towards a goal to be a smaller me. They think I am obsessing with the number on the scale but it is a tool that tells me the truth... I am succeeding or I need to tweak something. I am not exercising more than my doctor recommends. I am not eating less than my doctor recommends. I am not dieting. My biggest goal is to not gain. My second biggest goal is to maintain. And my next goal in priority is to lose. Once upon a time that would trigger a binge and a fail... but not any more. I have changed. I can't do extremes but I can't give up the battle either. I have health reasons that are my motivatation to continue to be the little engine that could. I need to keep growing, trying new things, and learning to love and believe in myself. It is certainly, like you, a work in progress.
    1846 days ago
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